A Merry Friggin' Christmas (2014)

Russian title:
“A Fucking Christmas Miracle”

Directed by: Tristram Shapeero
Written by: Michael Brown
Starring: Joel McHale, Robin Williams, Candice Bergen
Rating: PG-13
Running Time: 1 hour, 28 minutes

Pre-Conceived Notions: Logging on to Rotten Tomatoes to yoink the poster for this site, I noticed that the critics panned this film, and the viewing audience agreed. Then to get the introductory elements ready for the post, the words, “Candice Bergen as Donna” made me cringe. There’s something about the name Donna sans last name that just screams “This is a bad movie! Ex-patriate now while it’s not too late!”. I didn’t even recognize her at all watching the trailer.

But it looks like this will be one of Robin Williams’ last movie roles, and for that reason I hope the movie is at least decent. With such a towering movie career behind him, I want him go to out with a triumph instead of a meh. Because that would make things even more tragic.

But with the weak premise, and the addition of the hobo Santa, I’m afraid Rotten Tomatoes and the viewing public may be right about this one.

Why I Haven't Seen This Film: Because it was released this month. And yet again, I didn’t know of its existence until 2 hours ago. That’s a good enough reason, I think.

Bit-O-Trivia from the IMDb page: This is Robin Williams’ first and only Christmas movie.

1 hour, 28 minutes later…: I’m not going to mince words, here, not only because it’s late and I need all the strength I can get holiday shopping tomorrow, but I really shouldn’t be trusted with knives. And my jokes are getting worse by the minute.

I didn’t hate this film. It was very low-budget, and the writing seemed to be more geared toward episodic formats, but, by and large, it wasn’t horrible. That being said, I didn’t absolutely love the film, either.

But I can’t put my finger on why I didn’t love the film. I think it was because the acting was half-hearted? I didn’t buy Robin Williams as the hard-hearted degenerate father, and I didn’t buy that Candice Bergen would stay with someone like that. And she didn’t even look like herself. She looked kinda old and matronly.

And even though the writing wasn’t horrible, it wasn’t super good, either. It was like the writer got the idea of writing this film after binge watching a whole bunch of Christmas movies and made a list. “Okay… it would be cool if we had a drunken hobo Santa. And what if one of the cousins was a champion speed eater? Oh! And then the grouchy dad could be a Port-a-John dealer! Yeah, that’s it, and then who doesn’t love an inept cop? And Bea Arthur paintings! And people falling out of attics. Oh, this is going to be good!” Rinse, repeat, put in blender, and dump into a screenplay. Boom. Movie.

If you didn’t take it too seriously, though, the movie served its purpose. I laughed. My mother and her partner laughed. It was what it was.

Final Thoughts: Despite trying really hard to be funny, the writing was like something out of a freshman screenwriting class. But grade-A actors took it and did what they could with it, and turned it into something quirky. But, with the right network behind it, and a team of script doctors smoothing out the rough edges, it could be a really cute show. Something like a Modern Family. 3 out of 6 slices of pizza that you forgot to put in the fridge, but it still tastes good in the morning, so you eat it anyway.

Love and Other Drugs (2010)

German title:
“Side Effects Included”

Directed by: Edward Zwick
Starring: Jake Gyllenhaal, Anne Hathaway, Oliver Platt

Written by: Charles Randolph, Edward Zwick, Marshall Herskovitz 

Running Time: I hour, 52 minutes
Rating: R

Pre-Conceived Notions: For a long time, this movie was not on my radar. It was just one of those quirky rom-coms in the ebb and flow of quirky rom-coms, like Along Came Polly or Friends with Benefits, or anything Meg Ryan has ever done. It wasn’t until I joined Phamaly, a theater group for people with disabilities in Denver, Colorado, that my interest was piqued. I found out that one of my cast mates in the production I was in, Lucy Roucis, had a pretty significant scene in this film as the stand up comedian with Parkinson’s disease. Since that production last year, I’ve been fortunate to work with Lucy again, and count her as a friend.

It’s always weird to see a friend in a movie or a TV show, because your brain switches from the reality of the thing you’re watching to, “Oh, look! I know them!” and it kind of takes you out of it. But you’re still super proud of that friend and you have one more name to put in that bag of names for when yet another name dropping fight breaks out.

Why I Haven't Seen This Film: I’ll tell you what I told my friend (who was an extra in a Bollywood movie once) the other night at trivia: There’s a reason I have a movie review blog entitled No, I Really Haven’t Seen That One. Stop Laughing.

Bit-O-Trivia from the IMDb Trivia Page: “At one point, director Edward Zwick jumped into bed with Anne Hathaway and Jake Gyllenhaal for a group shot. This shot was used for the film’s poster, with Zwick digitally removed.”

1 hour, 52 minutes (and a little more) later…: Okay. Despite having my DVD player screw up three times, and having to reboot my computer 3 times and then paying $2.99 for the Amazon Prime version of the movie (this is how much I love you, the 6 people who read this blog), I really liked this movie.

I have to say that I related to this movie on many different levels. Right off the bat, being the grandson of a medical doctor growing up and getting various Christmas presents with prescription drug advertisements printed on them through the years, it kind of made me miss my childhood a little bit. And seeing the way the film talks about the commodification of illness kind of made me sick to my stomach. It’s like the drug companies aren’t out to find cures for illnesses. They’re corporations. All they care about is profits, and pushing pills. Anyway, this blog isn’t a soapbox for how screwed up our health care system is, so I’ll move on.

I can’t speak for other people, I can only speak for myself, but this film really struck a chord with me that I think I share with every physically handicapped person out there if they have Parkinson’s or cerebral palsy or whatever. And that is the worry about being adequate in a relationship. Why would anyone want to be in a relationship with someone with mobility issues? So, I saw a lot of myself in Anne Hathaway’s character, which I never expected with this movie.

…and then I saw my friend appear out of nowhere and do a standup routine. It was great to see her way back then, doing some of the jokes I’ve heard her do a couple times since I met her. I didn’t know her during the time she made the movie, and it gave me a real insight to how resilient a lady she is. Her Parkinson’s may have progressed since then, but she still has a devastating sense of humor, and a smile that will knock you off your feet. But there is one thing that I didn’t get in her stand up: One of the things she says is, “Fuck brushing your teeth.” Call me ignorant or whatever, but I would think Parkinson’s would make brushing your teeth a little easier. Maybe not. But I totally get the soup thing.

Jake Gyllenhaal and Anne Hathaway were amazing, as per usual. Gyllenhaal played a pitch perfect egomaniac and Hathaway made your heart break over and over as her character was fighting to accept the hand that life dealt her. And kudos to Josh Gad who was the perfect comic relief as the socially awkward little brother.

Final Thoughts: I take back what I said about this movie being a rom-com in an endless stream of rom-coms. This is so much more than that. This movie dares to discuss the intricacies of dating and having a relationship for people with disabilities. I know a lot of other movies do that, but this one was different. Anne Hathaway didn’t die at the end. She understood that she could have a relationship and accept her disability at the same time. I’m pretty impressed that Hollywood would make a movie like that. One of the only problems I had with the movie is he unsatisfying resolution of the Trey Hannigan character. Randall really should have punched his lights out towards the end or something. But that’s my only gripe. 5.5 slices of pizza.

M*A*S*H (1970)

Turkish title:
“At the Front Entertainment”

Directed by: Robert Altman

Written by: Ring Lardner, Jr.

Starring: Elliott Gould, Donald Sutherland, Tom Skeritt, Sally Kellerman
Running Time: 1 hour, 56 minutes
Rating: R

Pre-Conceived Notions: The only real clip I’ve seen of this film is the shower prank scene, the one where a naked and wet Sally Kellerman runs out of the shower and screams. I have no context for the scene, but that’s the one scene that sticks out in my mind. And, being a child of the ’80s, I of course, am familiar with all the characters. It’ll be kind of weird to watch Donald Sutherland in the role of Hawkeye, but I’m sure my mind will gloss over it in time.

Why I Haven't Seen This Film: The TV series was more than enough to get my Korean war-centric sitcom fix as a child.
Bit-O-Trivia: Robert Altman’s son wrote the featured song in this movie entitled Suicide is Painless, which made him a millionaire within a year, and became the theme song to the television series later on.

1 hour, 56 minutes later…: First off, I want to comment on the helicopters in the opening montage. Is that how they used to transport soldiers in need of medical attention? On the outside of the helicopters? Weren’t they afraid of gusts of wind, or slippage if the copter were to pitch too severely? I wonder how many people were lost in wars by just falling off the side of a helicopter. If you’re bored, there’s something to google at home, folks!

Okay. This is a movie review, so I guess I should review the movie. I’m going to start off by saying that it’s kinda impossible to review the movie without comparing the film with the series, since the series was a major part of my childhood, so I’m just going to do that. It was very interesting to see what elements of the film crossed over in the series:

• The whole tone of the movie centering around the hijinks of Hawkeye, Trapper John, and Duke Forrest. The juxtaposition between the humor taking place outside of the OR and the gravity of things inside is probably the thing I remember most of the series, so it was nice to see the film had that same tone.
• The relationship between Hotlips and Frank Burns. I had never known how Margaret O’Houlihan got her nickname, so it was definitely an eyeopener for me. And a great question for Dirty Trivial Pursuit! Although, I was surprised that the Frank Burns character was much more villainous in the film than in the television show. In the television show, Frank Burns was just a character to be pitied, but in the movie, you really hated him. And the coup de grâce was seeing him driven off in a straightjacket by the military police.
• The announcements made over the loud speaker. I thought the bumbling PA announcer was the perfect touch, especially the one where he had a hard time pronouncing the medical terminology. I almost experienced a “femoral puh—, uh, puh— um…” myself watching that scene.

The one thing that bugged me about the movie was Hotlips’ arc. They drove her love interest to insanity, and then they disgraced her in the shower, and yet at the end of the movie, you see her cheering on the football team? She is portrayed to be a bit of an airhead, but even then, I’d think she’d ask for a transfer or something. But Sally Kellerman’s performance was pretty good. She played enraged humiliation perfectly, and totally deserved the Oscar nomination.

Side note: when Tom Skeritt first appeared on screen my initial reaction was, “Jack Nicholson was in M*A*S*H?” And then once the camera could get a close-up, I was like, “Oh. Right. The dude from Picket Fences.”

Final Thoughts: I really enjoyed watching this movie, just to see how they developed the television program from it. Even though it was like watching the alternate universe version of the show, the almost two-and-a-half-hour runtime flew by. 5 out of 6 slices of pizza.

The Exorcist (1973)

Turkish title:
Satan

Director: William Friedkin

Starring: Ellen Burstyn, Linda Blair, Max von Sydow

Running Time: 2 hours, 2 minutes

Rating: R

Pre-Conceived Notions: Pre-conceived notions about The Exorcist? I am scared shitless to sit down and watch it because I heard so many fantastical things about how creepy it is. It’s so creepy in fact that the physical film itself was thought to be possessed by a demon. Have you seen the IMDb trivia page to this? Friedkin put his actors through hell. Poor Ellen Burstyn suffered a back injury when they yanked her harness really hard during one of the scenes. And Mercedes McCambridge had to do all sorts of crazy things to perform the part of Pazuzu. She swallowed raw eggs and smoked like one of those machines that smoke 20 cigarettes all at once. But the awful part is that she wasn’t in the final credits. Friedkin was kind of a jerk. Not gonna lie. Back on track: I’m really excited to see how this holds up after 41 years. Part of me hopes it does, and part of me doesn’t so I am not actually scared shitless. These are new pants.

Why I Haven't Seen This Film: It’s The Exorcist. 

Bit-O-Trivia from the IMDb page: “This is Warner Brothers’ highest grossing film of all time when adjusted for inflation.”

2 hours, 2 minutes later…: A couple things before we get into the meat and potatoes of the movie. 1) I really wish they had developed the plot more. It seemed like there were key scenes missing. Like, okay. One minute Regan is a normal 12-year-old girl, then she goes up to bed, and KAPOW! She’s possessed and urinating on the carpet. I mean, come on! Can you build up the suspense just a little bit more? 2) I would really liked to have seen a scene where Burke flies through the window. We get nothing of that. The character of Burke is dead all of a sudden, Ellen Burstyn has an overreaction, and we’re left sitting there thinking, “Who the hell is Burke?” 3) The way the whole exorcism is dealt with. Father Karras keeps saying, “It’s going to take an awful lot of evidence to get an exorcism approved,” and then he gets all this evidence, and he tells Chris that he really doesn’t have a lot of evidence. Cut to he’s meeting the monsignor, cut to the monk delivery service in the woods, cut to they’re doing the exorcism. What? Why mention the difficulty of getting approved when you’re not going to spend a lot of time on it in the film? Maybe all these scenes I’m mentioning were cut and they’re on the DVD. All I can say is that it made for a very choppy film.

The one thing I came away with from this movie was thank the universe I was not alive during the early 70s. Were all those medical procedures authentic? The arteriogram shit that was going on there? Dude. And whatever that other thing was? Double dude. And my hats off to Linda Blair. What she had to go through to make the film was incredible. 75% of her screen time was her tied to a bed in the middle of a refrigerated bedroom set, 25% was her having to go through that freaky-deaky medical stuff, and the remaining 15% was of her being a regular kid.

There were some comedic parts thrown in there, too. Like when Chris MacNeil asks her nanny at the end of the film, “Are you sure you don’t want to stay with us?” Are you freaking kidding me? Your daughter just went through an exorcism during the course of which 2 priests died (**Spoiler!!**), shit was flying around her room, and freaky stuff happened 24/7. No. She doesn’t want to remain in your employ, you freak of a woman, you.

Final Thoughts: The movie wasn’t as scary as I thought it was going to be, but I can say with certainty that if I had been a moviegoer in 1973, I’d be scared of split-pea soup for the rest of my life. The sound design was magnificent, and for the time in which it was made, it’s a very impressive bit of cinema. But unfortunately it doesn’t hold up very well. 4 out of 6 slices of pizza.

The Poseidon Adventure (1972)

Swedish title:
“The Poseidon
Catastrophe”

Directed by: Allen Neame

Written by: Paul Gallico, Stirling Silliphant, Wendell Mayes

Starring: Gene Hackman, Red Buttons, Ernest Borgnine

Running Time: 1 hour, 57 minutes

Rating: PG

Pre-Conceived Notions: I am expecting something along the lines of Titanic, but instead of the boat sinking 30 minutes before the end, it starts sinking 30 minutes into the movie. Some people survive; some people don’t, and in the end everyone learns a valuable lesson: Shelley Winters curses every boat she steps foot on. True story.

Why I Haven't Seen This Film: I have a fear of drowning?

From the IMDb trivia page: [The movie was] shot in sequence, taking advantage of the fact that the principals became dirtier and more tattered and suffered injuries—some real and some artificial—as they progressed.

1 hour, 57 minutes later…: I am completely exhausted. Utterly and completely exhausted. From the time they say, “Happy New Year!” at the beginning, it’s about 1 hour and 45 minutes of the Seven Layers of Hell. And to think that the actors themselves did most of the stunts. I really hope they got paid a whole hell of a lot of money to be put through that kind of physical stress, because, wow. 

Let’s get right into the meat and potatoes of this whole thing: There were characters you loved, namely Gene Hackman’s character, the Reverend, who would never give up no matter what happened to them. Mrs. Rosen, played by Shelley Winters, was a really sweet woman who tried to keep positive throughout the whole ordeal. 

And then there were those characters who you wanted to smack. Mr. Rogo, played very intensely by Ernest Borgnine, who didn’t know when to shut up and was more of a hinderance than a help, and then there was the that singer girl who was the most useless person ever. Every time they’d have to go through an obstacle, she’d crumple up and be useless. I kept shouting at the screen, “Dump her! She’s dead weight! She’s slowing you down!” I’m curious to think what my neighbors were thinking. 

Final Thoughts: A whole pizza. 6 out of 6 slices. I’d love to know if they did a documentary of the filming of this. I mean, there fires raging in the background, gallons of water flooding everywhere, and then all of those tunnels and ladders and stuff they had to climb. Please. Go out and rent this movie. Not only is it feature one of John Williams earliest scores, but you’ll get the experience of being in the ship with them trying to be rescued yourself. 

Big Fish (2003)

Lithuanian title:
My Fish Life

Director: Tim Burton
Written by: John August

Starring: Ewan MacGregor, Albert Finney, Billy Crudup

Running Time: 2 hours, 5 minutes

Rating: PG-13

Pre-Conceived Notions: From the trailer, I get whimsey. And Danny DeVito with weird hair. And then more whimsey. From what I gather from my friends, it’s a pretty spectacular film. Like, people cry and stuff. I’m not sure if it’s a sob, or one of those cries where your diaphragm spasms and you’re all snotty and shit, but I have a box of Puffs Plus handy just in case, because even OnStar commercials have made me cry in the past, so…

Why I Haven’t Seen This Film: I have no good answer for this, so I’m going to say that up until recently I had an irrational fear of movies that mention sea creatures in their titles, and “fish” is a huge umbrella for sea creatures in general. So, I spent tons of money and got therapy and now I’m cured and can cry into my Puffs Plus with abandon*.

2 hours, 5 minutes later…: This is the movie where the guy who does the priceless MasterCard commercials is sick and tired of his father, Daddy Warbucks, telling the same old fantastical stories about when he used to look like the younger Obi-Wan Kenobi. But I’m not sure why, I mean, I love people who can tell a really good story, no matter how embellished they are. But this movie dealt with a lot more than just tall tales and mind-bending adventure. It really looks at how much our identities are link with the people who came before us. We are how our parents met, and what experiences they had before we had us. We are as much them as we will be to our own children. For several millennia now, our identities are kind of like cotton, i.e. the fabric of our lives.

Like all other Tim Burton movies, this one is loaded to the brim with rich imagery and larger-than-life storytelling. Helena Bonham Carter, a.k.a. Mrs. Burton plays 3 characters that kind of hints at being one character? But maybe I won’t spoil that part for you. It was a little weird. But it is interesting, because she is the only person to have played both the older version and the younger version of herself amongst characters who had both younger and older versions of themselves, apart from her as a little girl. So she’s the connection between the past and the future.

One of my favorite parts of the movie was seeing 7'4" Matthew McGrory tower over 5' Danny DeVito. It was like a Burtonesque replay of a blenderized version of Gulliver’s Travels. One of my least favorite parts of the movie was seeing Danny DeVito’s naked behind. As I was eating lunch. So, if you haven’t seen this movie, don’t watch it while you’re eating lunch.

Final Thoughts: 5 out of 6 slices of pizza. This movie is like a modern-day Alice in Wonderland with hints of Forrest Gump, and is a perfect way to escape the reality of life for a while. Oh, and in case you’re wondering, I didn’t cry. THey tried to pull at my heartstrings at the end there, but alas, it wasn’t meant to be.

*I'm getting no remuneration for mentioning Puffs Plus twi— uh, three times, in this post.

Capote (2005)

Italian title:
“Truman Capote -
In Cold Blood”

Directed by: Bennett Miller

Written by: Dan Futterman, Gerald Clarke

Starring: Philip Seymour Hoffman, Clifton Collins, Jr., Catherine Keener

Running Time: 1 hour, 54 minutes

Rating: R

Pre-Conceived Notions: In all honesty, Truman Capote was a little before my time. I’ve only seen one interview with him, (the one he did with David Frost in the ’60s), and that’s all I have to go on as far as the authenticity Philip Seymour Hoffman brings to the role. I like a good biopic, so I’m looking forward to watching this.
Why I Haven't Seen This Film: I gravitate towards comedies. This doesn’t look very funny to me, although I have been wrong about these things before.

1 hour 54 minutes later…: If you’re too young, like I am, to really have a good picture of what Truman Capote acted like and sounded like, just watch this clip, and tell me Philip Seymour Hoffman didn’t knock this one out of the park. It is very rare that an actor is so good he can embody any character he sets out to play. Johnny Depp is one of those people, and as I mentioned earlier, Helena Bonham Carter is one of those people, and you would be crazy not to put Hoffman on that list as well. 

This was a very compelling story. You’ve got this prisoner on death row, Perry, who sees Capote as his only way out of getting executed, and you’ve got Capote himself who has such a driving urge to tell the story that he’s willing to use these two people and keep them alive for as long as possible and then abandon them when he gets all he needs. But he didn’t bank on falling in love with Perry. What this movie does best is highlight was a master manipulator Truman Capote was with his masterful lies and his cool-as-a-cucumber demeanor. I may have to go out and find a copy of In Cold Blood and read it, just to get a grasp on what kind of book he was writing. 

Before I close out this review, I’d like to spend a few words saying that we truly lost someone with ridiculous amounts of talent who wasn’t your typical movie star. He exemplified the now-cliché that there’s no such thing as a small part, just a small actor. Every single part he did, he grabbed it by the balls, and acted the crap out of it. He was always memorable no matter how supporting his role was. It really too bad that drugs has claimed yet another gifted human being. 

Final Thoughts: 5 out of 6 slices of pizza. Top-notch acting, and the movie was unabashedly unapologetic about what it showed us. Rest in peace, Mr. Hoffman. Your work is done here.

The Piano (1993)

Australian working title:
“The Black Keys”

Directed & Written by: Jane Campion

Starring: Holly Hunter, Harvey Keitel, Sam Neill

Running Time: 2 hours

Rating: R

Pre-Conceived Notions: This is the movie for which Anna Paquin set a record for the youngest winner of the Best Supporting Actress Oscar. All that really comes to mind about this film is that they carry a piano across an ocean? Maybe? And Holly Hunter’s mute, which makes sense, because her southern accent wouldn’t jive in the time period or location where this movie is set. I think Holly Hunter is great, but has she ever played anyone who spoke that wasn’t southern?

Why I Haven't Seen This Film: The title is really boring. The Piano. Doesn’t really say, “Go out and see this film!”, does it? No, it does not.

2 hours later…: He chopped her finger off! Her only solace and means of expression was that piano and he chopped her finger clean off! That was pretty much the only excitement that whole entire movie.  Except during the theatre scene when one of the natives thought all those women were actually beheaded and stormed the stage. That was pretty funny. The rest was a yawnfest. Seriously. It moved really slowly. 

But there are a couple things I’d like to say about Holly Hunter. To do a role without speaking a word is not an easy achievement. You really have to rely on so many other things to get your intentions across. But I guess that kind of part is an actor’s dream because there are no lines to memorize. Also, she did all of that piano playing herself! She had to have been a classically trained pianist beforehand. I mean, woah. She blew me away. I loved that they included it in the credits, too. Her Wikipedia article doesn’t say anything about being a trained pianist. I guess when you don’t have very many lines to learn, you learn the piano. 

What was with the nudity? I guess it was there to add realism, but I could have done without seeing Keitel’s Little Soldier. Although, it wasn’t as traumatizing as that scene where Sam Neill chopped her finger off. In front of her child! Dude! Seriously? There are plenty of fish in the sea. And now you have absolutely no chance with her because chopping someone’s finger off is probably the opposite of romantic. Call me crazy, but there ya go.

Final Thoughts: 3.5 out 6 slices of pizza. The cinematography was great. The acting was good, although I’m not sure why Anna Paquin actually won the Oscar for this. But the story just crept along. And the landscape with all that mud and stuff was kind of depressing. 

Memento (2000)

Turkish title:
“Teleprompter”

Directed by: Christopher Nolan

Written by: Christopher & Jonathan Nolan

Starring: Guy Pearce, Carrie-Ann Moss, Joe Pantoliano

Running Time: 1 hour, 53 minutes

Rating: R

Pre-Conceived Notions: Memento is one of those movies that has been around forever, and that I keep hearing a lot about. I’m actually really excited about watching it because it deals with chronological order, and messes time up and makes you think really hard about stuff. Those are the kinds of movies that I watch. I just posted that I was going to see this movie on Facebook, and one of my friends called it a “cinematographic lobotomy.” Whatever that’s supposed to mean. I guess I’m going to find out really soon.

Why I Haven't Seen This Film: At the time those really upbeat Mentos commercials were on the TV all the time, and Memento and ‘Mentos’ sound too much alike, so I didn’t go see it. Yeah. That’s exactly what happened. If you don’t believe me, I will submit to a polygraph. Don’t think I won’t do it, ’cause I will. 

1 hour, 53 minutes later…: Wow! That was like watching a Harold Pinter play. For those of you not in the know, Harold Pinter wrote a play where the scenes are backwards, so the surprise ending is actually the surprise beginning. Pretty cool, huh? Seinfeld did this as an hommage to Pinter in the episode where Elaine goes to India to get married? I think that was the plot? Anyway. I love it when people turn convention on its head like that. 

I have a confession to make. I’m a reader. I read Wikipedia articles and blogs about movies and stuff in order to quench my thirst for knowledge. I read in an article that the black and white scenes are in chronological order, and the color scenes are in reverse chronological order. That one simple thing really helped me follow the plot of the movie. In fact, it was such a no-brainer, I’m surprised people don’t pick up on that the first time they watch it. This whole technique is ingenious, because how do you write a movie from the point of view of a person with no short-term memory? You tell it backwards, of course! 

The only gripe I have about the plausibility of the plot is that when you have a short-term memory disorder, you kinda don’t remember you have a short-term memory disorder. There are real-life cases where people have memories as short as 7 seconds. It’s like they are trapped inside their heads, because they don’t have any recollection of the past, and they can’t look to the future, because they are locked in the present. Take a look at this video, and you’ll see what I mean.

Final Thoughts: 5.5 slices out of 6. The story telling was top-notch, and I’m kind of exhausted from trying to keep the plot in my head from all the scenes that happened before, but really happened after. Your brain is not designed for backwards things. I absolutely loved this movie. So why did I take a half a slice away? Well, YOU’RE NOT SUPPOSED TO SHAKE A POLAROID PICTURE! I don’t care what that song says. The good folks at Polaroid point out that shaking a picture in order to develop it faster destroys the picture quality. Someone really should have told Leonard that. 

The Boondock Saints (1999)

French title:
“The Angels of Boston”

Directed & Written by: Troy Duffy

Starring: Willem Dafoe, Sean Patrick Flannery, Norman Reedus

Running Time: 1 hour, 48 minutes

Rating:  R

Pre-Conceived Notions: This is another film that I’ve heard a lot about. A ton of my friends have always told me that I should go out to see this film. In my mind, I picture it to be kind of like Blade Runner, but Rotten Tomatoes says that it’s basically a movie trying really hard to be a Tarantino movie. I really see nothing wrong with that. Tarantino is a ground-breaking director who imitates and pays hommages to everyone. I’m anxious to see if this movie does “Tarantino” well, or if it misses the mark. 

Why I Haven't Seen This Film: Had to pick up some shirts at the dry cleaners. It was a long wait. 

1 hour, 48 minutes later…: I have to write this fast before my laptop battery dies. I loved this movie. It’s not often that you see a cop movie where you’re actually rooting for the good guys and the bad guys. Well, I guess in this case both Willem Dafoe and the Saints are the good guys, but that’s even rarer in a movie. 

I knew Bob Marley (the comedian, not the originator of reggae) was in this film but I thought he just had a cameo. His part was pretty huge. And I love it that they used actors from New England to be in this film to do the New English accents, because it seems like nobody outside of New England can pull it off. It either comes out Australian or Scottish, or I don’t know what. Our regional accent is much more complicated than just replacing all of the Rs with “AH”s. If you want a New English accent done right, you hire a New Englishman. End of story. 

What else? Oh, yes. All the critics seem to compare this movie with a Tarantino movie because of all the violence and gore and stuff. Well I am going to say that I liked this better than any Tarantino movie I’ve seen. The blood was not over the top or cartoonish. And it jived with the plot and the overall drive of the movie. Not once did I have a WTF moment watching this film. I have at least 5 of them whenever I watch any of Q’s stuff.

Final Thoughts: 6 out of 6. The movie moved right along; the plot was interesting and original, and I give it extra points for the exploding cat. That really made my night.

Party Monster (2003)

Party Monster (2003)

Directed & Written by: Fenton Bailey, Randy Barbado

Starring: Macaulay Culkin, Seth Green, Chloë Sevigny

Running Time: 1 hour, 37 minutes

Rating: R

Pre-Conceived Notions: There are fundamental, undeniable truths out there that are so rock solid no one can argue with them: The earth rotates around the sun. There are 12 months in the Julian calendar. Water is made up of two parts hydrogen to one part oxygen. And, of course, Macaulay Culkin can’t act. Some child actors out there start out as bright-eyed kids who can’t act but then blossom into some of the best adult actors of our times. Jodie Foster comes to mind. Macaulay Culkin is not one of those people. I’m only going by the trailer for this one, but I’m really hoping the other talent around him (Seth Green, Chloë Sevigny) lifts up his performance and makes it suck less. 

Why I Haven't Seen This Film: This isn’t really a mainstream movie, and the chances that I’ve seen a movie like that are slim to none.  Unless one of my friends are in it. Then I’ve probably seen it.

1 hour 37 minutes later…: I was really hoping this would be a lot like The Gift, not by way of the plot or anything like that, but by way of good actors bringing a terrible actor’s performance up so much that the actor’s performance isn’t that sucky anymore. Reeves is surrounded by tremendous actors—Cate Blanchett, Giovanni Ribisi, Hilary Swank—actors who amaze me in every single movie they’re in. So it just makes sense that Keanu is going to deliver a passable performance. That’s what I was hoping for with Culkin. Nope. Didn’t happen. 

I think he did this movie to run away from his Kevin McCallister persona, a lot like what Miley Cyrus is doing now. It’s not a very easy transition between sweet, wholesome kid actor to respected, legitimate adult actor. But rarely is that transition made by overdoing the drugs and the sex. And if such a transition includes a role with sex and drugs, it is successful because the person can act to begin with. What was that voice he was doing throughout the movie? He delivered every line with the same inflection. It was really painful to watch.

As far as the story is concerned, I actually remember these guys. I remember them being on Geraldo and Donahue and Sally, and how they scandalized the country with their no holds barred lifestyle. I don’t know why people get so scandalized. The same thing that happened with Club 54 is the same thing that happened here. Excessive decadence, debauchery, and ego lead straight into a death spiral with no way out. 

Final Thoughts: 4 out of 6 slices of pizza. Excellent pacing, visuals, music, etc. save the film from Culkin’s cryogenic performance. The themes of drugs, sex and excess are timeless in their ubiquity, so I think this film is going to hold up after another 15 years. 

Planet of the Apes (1968)

Alternate US title:
“Monkey Planet”

Directed by: Franklin J. Schaffner

Written by: Michael Wilson, Rod Serling, Pierre Boule

Starring: Charlton Heston, Roddy MacDowell, Kim Hunter

Running Time: 1 hour, 52 minutes

Rating: G

Pre-Conceived Notions: It’s about a guy who finds himself in a world that is dominated by gorillas or some other large nonhuman ape creatures, and come to find out it’s our own planet! In the (not so) distant future! *Spoiler Alert!* Damn. I think I messed that up again. I’ll get better at it as we go along.

Why I Haven't Seen This Film: I haven’t seen a lot of ’60s films.

1 hour, 52 minutes later…: I didn’t expect this movie to be so short and to the point. My first impression was to be, uh, impressed with the premise of the whole movie revolving around Einstein’s theory of relativity. That was a nice touch. But at the beginning, didn’t Taylor say, “we’re making our way back to Earth.” Didn’t he know that’s where they were landing? And why did it take them over a year to land? 

The themes this movie dealt with were top-notch. It showed how sticking to traditions and old ways of thinking can really put a stop to advancement of society. That point kept getting hammered home with Dr. Zaius talking about the scrolls, and the the forbidden area being forbidden because the scrolls say they are forbidden. I liken it to the controversy surrounding stem cell research with Bush putting a kibosh on it because it went against his faith, meanwhile Israel—who is lightyears better at separating Church and State than we are—went ahead with their research and gained a lot of ground with it. Look up “Christopher Reeve in Israel” and there’ll be a couple of videos that pop up on that topic.

The make-up was awesome, but it made it so that Cornelius and Zira didn’t kiss each other so much as they bumped latex lips together. It was like watching a really bizarre incarnation of bumper cars. But I guess if they did try to actually kiss, they would have suffocated themselves after 10 seconds. 

Final Thoughts: 5 out of 6 slices of pizza. I loved the Serling ending to this movie that this was Earth all along, even though we knew that from almost the first frame of the film. Charlton Heston wielded his weapon like any future NRA president worth his salt. And he had the flu through much of the filming. So, hats off to him! 

High School Musical (2006)

French title in Canada:
“High School Musical:
First Steps on the Stage”

Directed by: Kenny Ortega

Written by:  Peter Barsocchini

Starring: Zac Efron, Vanessa Hudgens, Ashley Tisdale

Running Time: 1 hour, 38 minutes

Rating: G

Pre-Conceived Notions: Two things come to mind when I think of High School Musical. First, that it is the Grease for the Millennials, and second, Pretty White Kids with Problems, a sketch MADTV did a long time ago spoofing shows like Dawson’s Creek, 90210, The OC, and many other shows of that time period. So, High School Musical, in my mind, is an extension of that.

But like Peyton Place, I have sort of a secondhand connection with this film. I traveled with Up with People in the latter half of 2008, and one of the cities we performed in was Salt Lake City, Utah. More specifically Murray, Utah, in the exact high school where some of the gym and performance scenes were filmed. So,  I can say that I have performed on the same stage as Zac Efron and Vanessa Hudgens. 

Why I Haven't Seen This Film: I had a chance to see this film. I even had the chance to see this film in the theater where the theater scenes were filmed. But, I was 29 at the time and not really a part of the movie’s target demographic. And with things like free Swedish massages and a human slot machine going on in the other room, who has time for the most meta moviegoing experience ever to take place on the planet, ever? Not me, that’s who.

1 hour, 38 minutes later…: This movie was corny. This movie was really, painfully, “kill me now, Universe, because I don’t want to live anymore,” corny. Auto tune was over-used, the acting was mediocre, and if the drama teacher said, “musi-CALE” one more time, I might have had to replace my laptop because sometimes when I get hot under the collar, I act like the Hulk and start indiscriminately breaking things. But, I take a deep breath, and tell myself that this is a Disney Channel movie. It wasn’t made for me. 

And then I remembered who this movie was made for. I remember all the high school kids I subbed for, and I remember how ridiculously cliquey high school was, and then I rewatch the movie in my mind, and realize there’s a solid message buried beneath all that cinematic, Disnified high fructose corn syrup. And it’s a message all high school age kids should hear at that age: Be yourself. You like to bake? You want to attempt crème brûlée? There’s nothing stopping you. You want to be a hip-hop dancer? Do that. Life is for the living, and only you can live that life. Because after high school, after you all leave the safety of your clubs and your teams and all that, it’s all going to be a memory, and you’re going to be on your own. So, dare to be you, because if you’re authentically you, there’s nothing in this world you can’t do.

Okay. I just threw up in my mouth a little bit. I need to end this post. Quickly.

Final Thoughts: 3 out of 6 slices of pizza. It was really cool recognizing the theater in those scenes. I actually remember that wall of pipes and pullies and stuff backstage. The acting was meh, the writing was cartoonish, but what saves it from getting nothing but an empty pizza box is the message so many young people need to hear. 

Les Misérables (2012)

Les Misérables (2012)

Réalisateur : Tom Hooper

Scénaristes : Claude-Michel Schonberg, Alain Boubil

Avec : Hugh Jackman, Anne Hathaway, Russel Crowe

Duration : 1 heure, 38 minutes

Classification : PG-13

Notions préconçues : Je vais dans très peu de temps aliéner tous les amis avec qui j’ai étudié à l’université en disant que je n’ai jamais vu de ma vie ni une production, ni un film des Misérables. Le livre de Victor Hugo dont le film s’inspire est gigantesque, et bien que j’aie essayé de le lire plusieurs fois, je n’arrive à lire que le premier chapitre.  Tout ce que je sais, c’est que j’ai pas mal d’amis qui en connaissent toutes les paroles de toutes les chansons et qu’ils ont créé une liste mentale de chaque production qu’ils ont vue et les a classées selon les mérites de chacune. Donc, je n’ai aucune idée de ce que je vais observer.

La raison pour laquelle j’ai pas encore vu ce film : Je ne sais pas. Comme spécialiste de français à l’université, on s’attendrait à ce que j’aie vu une représentation des Misérables une fois avant mes 35 ans, mais hélas ! c’est pas vrai. J’ai honte, c’est certain.

1 heure, 38 minutes plus tard…: Ouf ! Je viens de voir quoi, exactement ? Le titre du film ne ment pas : ce sont sans doute des misérables, surtout la pauvre Fantine ! Elle n’a voulu que travailler et gagner une vie pour guarder sa fille en vie, fille qui doit subir l’abus à la main des mendiants crasseux chez qui elle n’est qu’une esclave. OK. Dites-le-moi : Fantine meurt de prostitution ? De honte ? D’une MST ultra-tueuse ? Ce sujet n’était pas très clair pour moi. J’ai cru que Fantine jouait une rôle plus substantive dans l’histoire, mais non. Elle est la première à trouver la mort.

Ce que je n’ai pas compris de l’histoire, c’est la raison pour laquelle Valjean a décidé de sauver la petite Cosette. Il n’a pas pu empêcher que Fantine soit virée de l’usine ou quoi que ce fût là, et il s’en croyait coupable, c’est ça ? C’est pour ça qu’il voulait élever Cosette ? C’était pas clair pour moi. Et après le massacre de la barricade, Marius vient de voir tous ces mecs massacrés, et il chante même une chanson de “survivor’s guilt”, mais après, tout était normale parce qu’il savait à ce moment-là qu’il serait avec Cosette à toujours. Il ne veut pas venger la mort de ses amis ? Il ne veut pas faire en sorte que la France soit encore libre de la monarchie ? Que devient la France après tout ça ? Il veut une famille, et c’est tout, je suppose. 

La dernière chose à dire sur ce film, c’est que Russell Crowe ne peut chanter. 

Pensées finales : 5 tranches de pizza sur 6. La cinématographie était splendide, et les performances un peu trop réalistes, mais je suis très content que ce film soit mon expérience initiale avec cette histoire. 

___

Directed by: Tom Hooper

Written by:  Claude-Michel Schonberg, Alain Boubil

Starring: Hugh Jackman, Anne Hathaway, Russel Crowe

Running Time: 1 hour, 38 minutes

Rating: PG-13

Pre-Conceived Notions: I am going to, in very short order, alienate every friend I went to college with by saying I’ve never seen a production or a film of Les Misérables in my life. The book  by Victor Hugo upon with the film is based is ginormous, and even though I’ve tried to read it many times, I’ve only ever managed to read the first chapter.  All I know is that I have a crap-ton of friends who know all the words to all the songs and they’ve created a mental list of every production they’ve ever seen and ranked them according to the merits of each one. So I have no idea what I’m about to witness.

Why I Haven't Seen This Film: I don’t know. As a French major in college, you would expect me to have seen Les Misérables at least one time before I turned 35, but, alas, it’s not true. I’m ashamed to say it.

1 hour, 38 minutes later…: Ouf ! What did I just see, exactly? The film’s title doesn’t lie: they are without a doubt miserable people, especially poor Fantine! All she wanted to do was work and earn a living to keep her daughter alive, a daughter who has to put up with abuse at the end of filthy beggars who only treat her like a slave at home. Okay. Tell me this : Does Fantine die of prostitution ? Out of shame? From a super-fast STD? It wasn’t that clear to me. I thought Fantine played a more substantive role in the story, but no. She’s the first to eat it.

What I didn’t understand about the story is why Valjean decided to save little Cosette. He couldn’t stop Fantine from getting fired from the factory or whatever it was, and he felt guilty about it, right? That’s why he wanted to raise Cosette ? That wasn’t clear for me. And after the massacre at the barricade, Marius just saw all his friends get massacre, and he even sang a survivor’s guilt song, but afterwards, everything was normal because he knew at that moment that he’d be with Cosette forever. He didn’t want to avenge his friends’ deaths? HE didn’t want to ensure that France was free of the monarchy? What happened to France after all this? I guess all he wanted was a family. 

The last thing to say about this film: Russell Crowe can’t sing. 

Final Thoughts: 5 slices of pizza out of 6. The cinematography was splendid,  and the performances a little too real, but I’m very happy that this film was my first experience with this story. 

The King’s Speech (2010)

Russian title:
“The King Speaks!”

Directed by: Tom Hooper

Written by: David Seidler

Starring: Colin Firth, Geoffrey Rush, Helena Bonham Carter

Running Time: 1 hour, 48 minutes

Rating: PG-13

Pre-Conceived Notions: I’ve always wondered how hard it is for actors to play stutterers. I mean, it must be pretty easy at first, but once you get into a speech pattern—any kind of speech pattern—it must be difficult to snap out of it. If I had to play a stutterer, I’d be stuttering away for at least a couple days after the part was over. 

This is going to be a very interesting experience for me because I really don’t know a lot about the history of the British monarchy. Colin Firth plays Elizabeth II’s father? Grandfather? One of the two. I should be more up on my kings and queens than I am. But I’m good on the future monarchs of the UK. It’ll be Charles, William, and then George. Easy peasy. Actually, Charles is going to be 80 years old before he gets to be King if Elizabeth doesn’t stop not dying. 

Why I Haven't Seen This Film: I haven’t seen a lot of Oscar-nominated films, actually. My list is chalk-full of them, so hopefully I’ll have a good opinion on the Academy’s choices after this whole project finishes up.

1 hour, 48 minutes later…: This movie made me realize how much I didn’t know about the Royal Family. I never knew Edward VIII abdicated to George VI. No clue. We didn’t really get into World History in school. Just the Revolutionary and Civil Wars. 

Anyway, I really enjoy watching these movies that get inside what it’s like to be a Royal. I was an RA for 2 years, so I know what it’s like to work at a job that is 24/7, and you can never escape it because you live it constantly. That was 2 years of my life. For the Royal Family, it’s their entire life. All of the ceremony, and the protocol, and the customs—and being under a global microscope on top of that—every single day. In some ways, it must feel really constricting. I can see why Harry likes to let loose with hookers every once in a while. It’s like me going back home to my family to veg out and not having to worry about getting woken up at all hours in the morning. Okay. It’s not like that at all, but you see my point. This is what makes the relationship between the King and Logue so touching. Because of all the ceremony that immures his existence, the King never really had a true friend that he could open up to and talk about things with outside of his family. The stammering was really sort of secondary to the thread of their relationship. 

I never saw footage of George VI, so I can’t really comment on Colin Firth’s physical performance, but I was alive for the last 20 years of the Queen Mum’s life, and I thought Helena Bonham Carter’s physicality as that character was spot on. The way she carried herself was quirky and regal all at the same time, and really fit the mental image I have of the Queen Mum. I get down on actors on here that I think give the same performance in every single film they’re in, but now it’s time to do the opposite: Bonham Carter is one of those chameleons of the screen; she inhabits her character 110%, and for that reason it’s always great to watch her work. 

Final Thoughts: Another whole pizza. This time with British ingredients, like bangers and mash. Maybe just the bangers this time. I don’t think mashed potato pizza would be that appetizing. Splendid acting on top of a splendid story not a lot of people were aware of before this movie came out. If you haven’t seen this film, rent it or stream it yesterday.

Chitty Chitty Bang Bang (1968)

Portuguese title:
“The Magic Jalopy”

Directed by: Ken Hughes

Written by: Roald Dahl, Ian Fleming, Ken Hughes

Starring: Dick Van Dyke, Sally Ann Howes, Lionel Jeffries

Running Time: 2 hours, 25 minutes

Rating: G

Pre-Conceived Notions: Whenever I see this movie in my mind, I always picture a three-way hybrid between Mary Poppins, the Wizard of Oz, and Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory. And then my mind goes to the child catcher which I think I first saw in a Cracked article about really creepy scenes in kid’s movies. But I need some whimsey in my life after the last movie I saw, so bring on that child catcher! Bit o’ Trivia: Chitty Chitty Bang Bang was used as the theme song on the first Wheel of Fortune pilot way back in 1973. The show was called Shopper’s Bazaar, and played more like a hospital drama than a game show. 

Why I Haven't Seen This Film: There was a moratorium on whimsey in my house for much of the ’80s. I don’t know why. I was so glad when the ’90s came along. A ten-year lack of whimsey is tough on a person, I don’t care who you are.

2 hours, 25 minutes later…: What a strange little movie that was. I think I was right with my hybrid assessment. You had all the pomp and circumstance of Wizard of Oz’s Munchkinland with all the soldiers and stuff, Mary Poppins with people flying around, and Willy Wonka with the whole candy factory theme, and creepy stuff. Yes, no chickens were decapitated during the course of the movie, but the child catcher scene was kind of disturbing. Roald Dahl was a little too obsessed with two things: candy factories and creepy things happening to children. 

And where did Dick Van Dyke’s character come from, anyway? Why is he the only person in the film with an American accent? There is a disorder out there where people have a stroke and they make a full recovery except for one very peculiar thing: for the rest of their lives, they speak in a foreign accent. I think it’s called Foreign Accent Syndrome. NPR did a story on it a while back. That must be what happened to our friend, the inventor. That’s the only thing that fits.

So, kids, what did this little fantastical fairy tale of a movie teach us? Well, it taught us that if you kiss someone, you have to marry them, no ifs, ands or buts. Also, don’t trust strange men with big noses when they try to lure you into their steel cages with the promise of ice cream. And finally, only rich people can marry rich people. That’s the way it’s been since Time Immemorial. 

Final Thoughts: 4 out of 6 slices of pizza. It was great seeing Benny Hill out of his natural habitat of chasing scantily clad British bombshells around a soundstage all sped up with Yackety Sax playing in the background. The music was forgettable, but the story was fun and I think children of all ages would still enjoy this even today. 

Requiem for a Dream (2000)

Portuguese title:
“Life is a Dream”

Directed by: Darren Aronofsky

Written by: Hubert Selby, Jr., Darren Aronofsky

Starring: Ellen Burstyn, Jared Leto, Jennifer Connely

Running Time: 1 hour, 41 minutes

Rating: R

Pre-Conceived Notions: Who replaced the trailer with a Nine Inch Nails video? Does Trent Reznor make a cameo? Is this real life? What’s that woman doing in that fish tank? These questions and more will be answered on the next episode of Soap! Don’t worry if you don’t get that reference. I barely get it, and I wrote it, so… 

Why I Haven't Seen This Film: I probably had homework that day.

1 hour, 41 minutes later…: Wow. I shouldn’t have watched that movie first thing in the morning. My visual cortex is smarting because of all the intense imagery that assaults you minute after minute. It’s like taking that Aphex Twin video where that alien-looking creature is screaming at that old woman and her hair blows back and multiplying the intensity of that by a googolplex. Holy freakin’ shit. It kind of makes me want to go out and find the novel it’s based on.

It’s interesting, because the most intense scenes involve the character who I think is the biggest victim. Sara Goldfarb, played masterfully by Ellen Burstyn, just wanted to lose weight to fit into a dress so she could look good on TV, which makes her a double victim. First she gets the call to tell her that she’s been “selected to be a contestant on TV” which doesn’t happen in real life. You have to audition for shows before you can be selected for them. And then she becomes an addict on uppers because some charlatan prescribed them to her. She is the only character in the film that doesn’t know she’s an addict. 

Final Thoughts: I have to go take a shower many times over, so I’ll keep it short and sweet. 4.5 slices of pizza out of 6. The visuals are mind-blowing, as is the subject matter. The acting is intense and in your face. But the assault on your brain that you take is a bit much. Now if you excuse me, I’ll be in the bathtub. Crying, or something.

Love Story (1970)

Love Story (1970)

Directed by: Arthur Hiller

Written by: Erich Segal

Starring: Ali MacGraw, Ryan O’Neal, John Marley

Running Time: 1 hour, 39 minutes

Rating: PG

Pre-Conceived Notions: The classic line, “Love means never having to say you’re sorry.” comes from this. I want whatever whoever wrote this line was smoking, because if love means never apologizing, then that’s a fantastic relationship! But let’s be honest, here. No one has ever said, “You don’t have to  apologize, Honey, we’re in love, remember?” Nobody. Who isn’t on psychotropic drugs. LSD may have made someone say that a time or two. 

Why I Haven't Seen This Film: The ’70s  form a huge, gaping maw in my “movies I’ve seen” list. Especially ones with really dumb lines that become more famous than the movie they’re in.

1 hour, 39 minutes later…: I get a feeling that movie was miscast. I found Ali MacGraw’s character so unlikable that I kept moving the mouse around to see the time: 20 minutes until she eats it. 15 minutes until she eats it. 10 minutes… She was a bitch to Ryan O’Neal from the very start of the movie, and all of a sudden he falls for her? And then gives up his millions for her? Um, okay. Different strokes, and all that. 

And all of that snow! I grew up in New England in the ’80s, and I remember getting that much snow all at once, and we’d never see the ground at all until the spring thaw. Now, we’re lucky if the snow hangs around a week after a big storm. I mean, on the playground, we’d build snow forts and they’d be there for a really long time, and the temps would freeze the tip of your nose off, and we’d walk to and from school, and we liked it. Sorry about getting on a climate change rant, there, but that’s really the only other thing that stuck out for me.

Nope. I lied. That music: DUM, duh-dum DUM-DUM!!! Over and over and over again. I’m going to be dreaming about that song tonight! Other composers do a really good job at writing a theme, and then stuffing it in the music so we get hints of it every once in a while. But this time, we kept getting smacked in the face by that theme that will not! Leave! My head! 

Final Thoughts: 2 out of 6 slices of pizza. Like the kind of pizza that accidentally gets put in the microwave too long. After it’s sat in the fridge for three days.