How to Be Single (2016)

Russian title:
“Actively Looking”

Directed by: Christian Ditter

Written by: Abby Kohn, Marc Silverstein, Dana Fox

Starring: Dakota Johnson, Leslie Mann, Rebel Wilson

Running Time: 1 hour, 49 minutes

Rating: R

Pre-Conceived Notions: I gotta say, living a trailer-free life is where it’s at. The only preconceived notion I had coming in to this movie was that it was a chick flick. That’s it. I had no expectations, false or otherwise, from the studio, and just sat down and watched the movie from a really pure place. I did that with Guardians of the Galaxy, and I wasn’t disappointed, so maybe I’ll make it a life rule that I never watch a trailer again as long as I shall live. You read it here first, folks!

Bit-O-Trivia from the IMDb page: “Dakota had all her tattoos covered for this role.” [Sorry. That was the most interesting bit of trivia I could find.] 

1 hour, 49 minutes later…:  Coming into this, I was expecting the formulaic rom-com scenario of watching two illogically good-looking people fall in love, fuck up really bad, miss each other miserably, have a three-minute make-up conversation, and happily ever afters, sunsets, babies, blah. I waited for that to happen the entire movie. For starters, there were no illogically good-looking people in this movie. (Sorry, Dakota. Your mom may be Melanie Griffith, and your grand-mom Tippi Hedren, but you’re just normally good looking. And you remind me of a college friend, but that’s an entirely different blog.) This was really refreshing, because I think having relatively normal looking people grounded the story a little bit. 

But throughout the movie, I kept waiting for a relationship—any relationship—to start. I was like, “Oh! Alice is going to have a fling with the bartender, and they’re going to fall in love, and then she’s going to go back to her boyfriend who she's ‘on a break’ from to break up with him, and he’s going to be in bed with another woman, and sunsets and rainbows and kids and yadda.” Nope. THEN I was like, “Oh! That wallflower stealing the WiFi at the bar is going to fall in love with the bartender, and she’ll ferret out his philandering lifestyle, and call it off, regret it, text him, and end credits.” Nope. This happened throughout the entire movie. At one point I was heard exclaiming at the screen, “Will something good happen, please?” Luckily my friend and I were pretty much the only people in the theater, so I did not get Junior Mints thrown at me. But I think it was the fact that they didn’t focus on the gushy romance and the perfect relationship and all of that stuff that gave the movie its charm. 

But you know what didn’t give the movie its charm? Rebel Wilson. I have to confess that I’ve never seen Pitch Perfect, (which I am putting on my spreadsheet right now, IRHSTOSLers. Don’t you worry.) But the fact that her character didn’t match the tone of the other characters and that she was too over-the-top and weird, it became clear to me that she was playing her PP character, but with a different name. She didn’t fit. She was a very round peg in a very square hole. The movie could have been much better if her character had been toned down a bit. 

Final Thoughts: I’m going to give this film 5 slices of pizza out of 6. It wasn’t your typical rom-com. It defied convention, which is awesome. But unfortunately, Rebel Wilson stole that one slice of pizza, mugged at me, and left before I could grab it from her. Yes. That was a fat joke, which is okay because I, too, am of the corpulent persuasion. (Love you Rebel. You're really funny. But just choose different roles. Diversify your portfolio.) To recap: Great acting. Great story. Little less Rebel would have been great. 

Cloudy with a Chance of Meatballs (2009)

Greek Title:
“It’s Raining Meatballs”

Directed by: Phil Lord, Christopher Miller

Written by: Phil Lord, Christopher Miller; Judi Barret, Ron Barrett

Starring: Bill Hader, Anna Faris, James Caan, Bruce Campbell

Running Time: 1 hour, 30 minutes

Rating: PG

Pre-Conceived Notions: For some reason, I conflate this with the song On Top of Spaghetti. I don’t know why. I think Cloudy with a Chance of Meatballs is based on a children’s book that I read in elementary school, and we sang On Top of Spaghetti in elementary school, and voilà! Conflation. It can happen to anybody. 

Bit-O-Trivia from the IMDb Page: “Earl Devereaux has the exact opposite hairstyle as his voice actor, Mr. T. Instead of a T-shaped mohawk, Earl sports a T-shaped bald patch.”

1 hour, 30 minutes later…:  I should add a disclaimer to this: Thanks to the viewing habits of my 4-and-a-half-year-old niece, I have seen this movie approximately 6 times. In various viewing scenarios: with the TV on mute, with the TV on in the background while reading, with the TV on and  my niece showing me random things whilst doing a gymnastics routine on the couch—I could go on for quite some time, but I promise you that during at least one of those viewings, I was actually paying attention to what was going on onscreen.  

It’s an interesting premise: Guy’s geekiness gives him feelings of inadequacy, Guy invents a machine that uses very questionable science to turn water into food, machine inexplicable gets rocketed into the clouds and starts raining victuals on the townsfolk, Guy meets Geeky Girl, they fall in love—you see where this is going. 

This movie’s pacing was really spot on. There were no dead spots in the plot, and the animation really added a lot to the humor of the story. I especially liked watching the background in certain scenes, especially the one where Flint is talking to his father in the restaurant, and raining steaks are wreaking havoc with the diners. Who knew precipitating steak could have brilliant comedic timing? I think that’s a cinematic first. But I’m no Leonard Maltin, so don’t quote me on that one.

The WTF moment of the film for me is the whole scientific explanation behind turning water into food. It’s been a while since I saw the movie, and the explanation is nowhere to be found in the Quotes section on the IMDb page, but basically he manipulates DNA in water into the DNA of any kind of food he wants and it just magically happens. I know what you’re thinking. “But Stew. It’s a children’s movie. Food is raining from the sky. No logical explanation can be given that would make any sense.” But I call shenanigans on that one. Don’t use an actual thing to describe something that obviously can’t happen. You want children to think there’s a DNA sequence for pizza? Think of the deleterious effects that will have on the future scientists of America. People will get into biology so that they can save money on groceries. I don’t think so. 

Final Thoughts: 5 out of 6 slices of pizza. This was a very engaging, very action-packed, very caloric movie. The characters were quirky, and the food looked good enough to eat. And also nostalgia played into it because there used to be a sardine factory in my hometown. It was awesome. There’s nothing like the smell of fish offal first thing in the morning. I miss it. Okay. I’m about to break my Sentimentality-O-Meter for this post, so I’m going to go.

M*A*S*H (1970)

Turkish title:
“At the Front Entertainment”

Directed by: Robert Altman

Written by: Ring Lardner, Jr.

Starring: Elliott Gould, Donald Sutherland, Tom Skeritt, Sally Kellerman
Running Time: 1 hour, 56 minutes
Rating: R

Pre-Conceived Notions: The only real clip I’ve seen of this film is the shower prank scene, the one where a naked and wet Sally Kellerman runs out of the shower and screams. I have no context for the scene, but that’s the one scene that sticks out in my mind. And, being a child of the ’80s, I of course, am familiar with all the characters. It’ll be kind of weird to watch Donald Sutherland in the role of Hawkeye, but I’m sure my mind will gloss over it in time.

Why I Haven't Seen This Film: The TV series was more than enough to get my Korean war-centric sitcom fix as a child.
Bit-O-Trivia: Robert Altman’s son wrote the featured song in this movie entitled Suicide is Painless, which made him a millionaire within a year, and became the theme song to the television series later on.

1 hour, 56 minutes later…: First off, I want to comment on the helicopters in the opening montage. Is that how they used to transport soldiers in need of medical attention? On the outside of the helicopters? Weren’t they afraid of gusts of wind, or slippage if the copter were to pitch too severely? I wonder how many people were lost in wars by just falling off the side of a helicopter. If you’re bored, there’s something to google at home, folks!

Okay. This is a movie review, so I guess I should review the movie. I’m going to start off by saying that it’s kinda impossible to review the movie without comparing the film with the series, since the series was a major part of my childhood, so I’m just going to do that. It was very interesting to see what elements of the film crossed over in the series:

• The whole tone of the movie centering around the hijinks of Hawkeye, Trapper John, and Duke Forrest. The juxtaposition between the humor taking place outside of the OR and the gravity of things inside is probably the thing I remember most of the series, so it was nice to see the film had that same tone.
• The relationship between Hotlips and Frank Burns. I had never known how Margaret O’Houlihan got her nickname, so it was definitely an eyeopener for me. And a great question for Dirty Trivial Pursuit! Although, I was surprised that the Frank Burns character was much more villainous in the film than in the television show. In the television show, Frank Burns was just a character to be pitied, but in the movie, you really hated him. And the coup de grâce was seeing him driven off in a straightjacket by the military police.
• The announcements made over the loud speaker. I thought the bumbling PA announcer was the perfect touch, especially the one where he had a hard time pronouncing the medical terminology. I almost experienced a “femoral puh—, uh, puh— um…” myself watching that scene.

The one thing that bugged me about the movie was Hotlips’ arc. They drove her love interest to insanity, and then they disgraced her in the shower, and yet at the end of the movie, you see her cheering on the football team? She is portrayed to be a bit of an airhead, but even then, I’d think she’d ask for a transfer or something. But Sally Kellerman’s performance was pretty good. She played enraged humiliation perfectly, and totally deserved the Oscar nomination.

Side note: when Tom Skeritt first appeared on screen my initial reaction was, “Jack Nicholson was in M*A*S*H?” And then once the camera could get a close-up, I was like, “Oh. Right. The dude from Picket Fences.”

Final Thoughts: I really enjoyed watching this movie, just to see how they developed the television program from it. Even though it was like watching the alternate universe version of the show, the almost two-and-a-half-hour runtime flew by. 5 out of 6 slices of pizza.

Big Fish (2003)

Lithuanian title:
My Fish Life

Director: Tim Burton
Written by: John August

Starring: Ewan MacGregor, Albert Finney, Billy Crudup

Running Time: 2 hours, 5 minutes

Rating: PG-13

Pre-Conceived Notions: From the trailer, I get whimsey. And Danny DeVito with weird hair. And then more whimsey. From what I gather from my friends, it’s a pretty spectacular film. Like, people cry and stuff. I’m not sure if it’s a sob, or one of those cries where your diaphragm spasms and you’re all snotty and shit, but I have a box of Puffs Plus handy just in case, because even OnStar commercials have made me cry in the past, so…

Why I Haven’t Seen This Film: I have no good answer for this, so I’m going to say that up until recently I had an irrational fear of movies that mention sea creatures in their titles, and “fish” is a huge umbrella for sea creatures in general. So, I spent tons of money and got therapy and now I’m cured and can cry into my Puffs Plus with abandon*.

2 hours, 5 minutes later…: This is the movie where the guy who does the priceless MasterCard commercials is sick and tired of his father, Daddy Warbucks, telling the same old fantastical stories about when he used to look like the younger Obi-Wan Kenobi. But I’m not sure why, I mean, I love people who can tell a really good story, no matter how embellished they are. But this movie dealt with a lot more than just tall tales and mind-bending adventure. It really looks at how much our identities are link with the people who came before us. We are how our parents met, and what experiences they had before we had us. We are as much them as we will be to our own children. For several millennia now, our identities are kind of like cotton, i.e. the fabric of our lives.

Like all other Tim Burton movies, this one is loaded to the brim with rich imagery and larger-than-life storytelling. Helena Bonham Carter, a.k.a. Mrs. Burton plays 3 characters that kind of hints at being one character? But maybe I won’t spoil that part for you. It was a little weird. But it is interesting, because she is the only person to have played both the older version and the younger version of herself amongst characters who had both younger and older versions of themselves, apart from her as a little girl. So she’s the connection between the past and the future.

One of my favorite parts of the movie was seeing 7'4" Matthew McGrory tower over 5' Danny DeVito. It was like a Burtonesque replay of a blenderized version of Gulliver’s Travels. One of my least favorite parts of the movie was seeing Danny DeVito’s naked behind. As I was eating lunch. So, if you haven’t seen this movie, don’t watch it while you’re eating lunch.

Final Thoughts: 5 out of 6 slices of pizza. This movie is like a modern-day Alice in Wonderland with hints of Forrest Gump, and is a perfect way to escape the reality of life for a while. Oh, and in case you’re wondering, I didn’t cry. THey tried to pull at my heartstrings at the end there, but alas, it wasn’t meant to be.

*I'm getting no remuneration for mentioning Puffs Plus twi— uh, three times, in this post.

Capote (2005)

Italian title:
“Truman Capote -
In Cold Blood”

Directed by: Bennett Miller

Written by: Dan Futterman, Gerald Clarke

Starring: Philip Seymour Hoffman, Clifton Collins, Jr., Catherine Keener

Running Time: 1 hour, 54 minutes

Rating: R

Pre-Conceived Notions: In all honesty, Truman Capote was a little before my time. I’ve only seen one interview with him, (the one he did with David Frost in the ’60s), and that’s all I have to go on as far as the authenticity Philip Seymour Hoffman brings to the role. I like a good biopic, so I’m looking forward to watching this.
Why I Haven't Seen This Film: I gravitate towards comedies. This doesn’t look very funny to me, although I have been wrong about these things before.

1 hour 54 minutes later…: If you’re too young, like I am, to really have a good picture of what Truman Capote acted like and sounded like, just watch this clip, and tell me Philip Seymour Hoffman didn’t knock this one out of the park. It is very rare that an actor is so good he can embody any character he sets out to play. Johnny Depp is one of those people, and as I mentioned earlier, Helena Bonham Carter is one of those people, and you would be crazy not to put Hoffman on that list as well. 

This was a very compelling story. You’ve got this prisoner on death row, Perry, who sees Capote as his only way out of getting executed, and you’ve got Capote himself who has such a driving urge to tell the story that he’s willing to use these two people and keep them alive for as long as possible and then abandon them when he gets all he needs. But he didn’t bank on falling in love with Perry. What this movie does best is highlight was a master manipulator Truman Capote was with his masterful lies and his cool-as-a-cucumber demeanor. I may have to go out and find a copy of In Cold Blood and read it, just to get a grasp on what kind of book he was writing. 

Before I close out this review, I’d like to spend a few words saying that we truly lost someone with ridiculous amounts of talent who wasn’t your typical movie star. He exemplified the now-cliché that there’s no such thing as a small part, just a small actor. Every single part he did, he grabbed it by the balls, and acted the crap out of it. He was always memorable no matter how supporting his role was. It really too bad that drugs has claimed yet another gifted human being. 

Final Thoughts: 5 out of 6 slices of pizza. Top-notch acting, and the movie was unabashedly unapologetic about what it showed us. Rest in peace, Mr. Hoffman. Your work is done here.

Planet of the Apes (1968)

Alternate US title:
“Monkey Planet”

Directed by: Franklin J. Schaffner

Written by: Michael Wilson, Rod Serling, Pierre Boule

Starring: Charlton Heston, Roddy MacDowell, Kim Hunter

Running Time: 1 hour, 52 minutes

Rating: G

Pre-Conceived Notions: It’s about a guy who finds himself in a world that is dominated by gorillas or some other large nonhuman ape creatures, and come to find out it’s our own planet! In the (not so) distant future! *Spoiler Alert!* Damn. I think I messed that up again. I’ll get better at it as we go along.

Why I Haven't Seen This Film: I haven’t seen a lot of ’60s films.

1 hour, 52 minutes later…: I didn’t expect this movie to be so short and to the point. My first impression was to be, uh, impressed with the premise of the whole movie revolving around Einstein’s theory of relativity. That was a nice touch. But at the beginning, didn’t Taylor say, “we’re making our way back to Earth.” Didn’t he know that’s where they were landing? And why did it take them over a year to land? 

The themes this movie dealt with were top-notch. It showed how sticking to traditions and old ways of thinking can really put a stop to advancement of society. That point kept getting hammered home with Dr. Zaius talking about the scrolls, and the the forbidden area being forbidden because the scrolls say they are forbidden. I liken it to the controversy surrounding stem cell research with Bush putting a kibosh on it because it went against his faith, meanwhile Israel—who is lightyears better at separating Church and State than we are—went ahead with their research and gained a lot of ground with it. Look up “Christopher Reeve in Israel” and there’ll be a couple of videos that pop up on that topic.

The make-up was awesome, but it made it so that Cornelius and Zira didn’t kiss each other so much as they bumped latex lips together. It was like watching a really bizarre incarnation of bumper cars. But I guess if they did try to actually kiss, they would have suffocated themselves after 10 seconds. 

Final Thoughts: 5 out of 6 slices of pizza. I loved the Serling ending to this movie that this was Earth all along, even though we knew that from almost the first frame of the film. Charlton Heston wielded his weapon like any future NRA president worth his salt. And he had the flu through much of the filming. So, hats off to him! 

Les Misérables (2012)

Les Misérables (2012)

Réalisateur : Tom Hooper

Scénaristes : Claude-Michel Schonberg, Alain Boubil

Avec : Hugh Jackman, Anne Hathaway, Russel Crowe

Duration : 1 heure, 38 minutes

Classification : PG-13

Notions préconçues : Je vais dans très peu de temps aliéner tous les amis avec qui j’ai étudié à l’université en disant que je n’ai jamais vu de ma vie ni une production, ni un film des Misérables. Le livre de Victor Hugo dont le film s’inspire est gigantesque, et bien que j’aie essayé de le lire plusieurs fois, je n’arrive à lire que le premier chapitre.  Tout ce que je sais, c’est que j’ai pas mal d’amis qui en connaissent toutes les paroles de toutes les chansons et qu’ils ont créé une liste mentale de chaque production qu’ils ont vue et les a classées selon les mérites de chacune. Donc, je n’ai aucune idée de ce que je vais observer.

La raison pour laquelle j’ai pas encore vu ce film : Je ne sais pas. Comme spécialiste de français à l’université, on s’attendrait à ce que j’aie vu une représentation des Misérables une fois avant mes 35 ans, mais hélas ! c’est pas vrai. J’ai honte, c’est certain.

1 heure, 38 minutes plus tard…: Ouf ! Je viens de voir quoi, exactement ? Le titre du film ne ment pas : ce sont sans doute des misérables, surtout la pauvre Fantine ! Elle n’a voulu que travailler et gagner une vie pour guarder sa fille en vie, fille qui doit subir l’abus à la main des mendiants crasseux chez qui elle n’est qu’une esclave. OK. Dites-le-moi : Fantine meurt de prostitution ? De honte ? D’une MST ultra-tueuse ? Ce sujet n’était pas très clair pour moi. J’ai cru que Fantine jouait une rôle plus substantive dans l’histoire, mais non. Elle est la première à trouver la mort.

Ce que je n’ai pas compris de l’histoire, c’est la raison pour laquelle Valjean a décidé de sauver la petite Cosette. Il n’a pas pu empêcher que Fantine soit virée de l’usine ou quoi que ce fût là, et il s’en croyait coupable, c’est ça ? C’est pour ça qu’il voulait élever Cosette ? C’était pas clair pour moi. Et après le massacre de la barricade, Marius vient de voir tous ces mecs massacrés, et il chante même une chanson de “survivor’s guilt”, mais après, tout était normale parce qu’il savait à ce moment-là qu’il serait avec Cosette à toujours. Il ne veut pas venger la mort de ses amis ? Il ne veut pas faire en sorte que la France soit encore libre de la monarchie ? Que devient la France après tout ça ? Il veut une famille, et c’est tout, je suppose. 

La dernière chose à dire sur ce film, c’est que Russell Crowe ne peut chanter. 

Pensées finales : 5 tranches de pizza sur 6. La cinématographie était splendide, et les performances un peu trop réalistes, mais je suis très content que ce film soit mon expérience initiale avec cette histoire. 

___

Directed by: Tom Hooper

Written by:  Claude-Michel Schonberg, Alain Boubil

Starring: Hugh Jackman, Anne Hathaway, Russel Crowe

Running Time: 1 hour, 38 minutes

Rating: PG-13

Pre-Conceived Notions: I am going to, in very short order, alienate every friend I went to college with by saying I’ve never seen a production or a film of Les Misérables in my life. The book  by Victor Hugo upon with the film is based is ginormous, and even though I’ve tried to read it many times, I’ve only ever managed to read the first chapter.  All I know is that I have a crap-ton of friends who know all the words to all the songs and they’ve created a mental list of every production they’ve ever seen and ranked them according to the merits of each one. So I have no idea what I’m about to witness.

Why I Haven't Seen This Film: I don’t know. As a French major in college, you would expect me to have seen Les Misérables at least one time before I turned 35, but, alas, it’s not true. I’m ashamed to say it.

1 hour, 38 minutes later…: Ouf ! What did I just see, exactly? The film’s title doesn’t lie: they are without a doubt miserable people, especially poor Fantine! All she wanted to do was work and earn a living to keep her daughter alive, a daughter who has to put up with abuse at the end of filthy beggars who only treat her like a slave at home. Okay. Tell me this : Does Fantine die of prostitution ? Out of shame? From a super-fast STD? It wasn’t that clear to me. I thought Fantine played a more substantive role in the story, but no. She’s the first to eat it.

What I didn’t understand about the story is why Valjean decided to save little Cosette. He couldn’t stop Fantine from getting fired from the factory or whatever it was, and he felt guilty about it, right? That’s why he wanted to raise Cosette ? That wasn’t clear for me. And after the massacre at the barricade, Marius just saw all his friends get massacre, and he even sang a survivor’s guilt song, but afterwards, everything was normal because he knew at that moment that he’d be with Cosette forever. He didn’t want to avenge his friends’ deaths? HE didn’t want to ensure that France was free of the monarchy? What happened to France after all this? I guess all he wanted was a family. 

The last thing to say about this film: Russell Crowe can’t sing. 

Final Thoughts: 5 slices of pizza out of 6. The cinematography was splendid,  and the performances a little too real, but I’m very happy that this film was my first experience with this story. 

Children of a Lesser God (1986)

Argentine title:
“I Will Love You in
Silence”

Directed by: Randa Haines

Written by: Mark Medoff, Hesper Anderson, James Carrington

Starring: William Hurt, Marlee Matlin, Piper Laurie

Running Time: 1 hour, 59 minutes

Rating: R

Pre-Conceived Notions: Being a disabled person myself, it’s always great to see Hollywood make movies about people with disabilities, and extra points are scored when they cast actual people with disabilities. It should happen a lot more than it does. LET MY PEOPLE ACT!!

Why I Haven't Seen This Film: Because. 

1 hour, 59 minutes later…: There is so much to say about this movie. Where do I begin? I guess, first off I am a little ambivalent about the choice of the director to have the other actors say Matlin’s lines as she acted them instead of going for subtitles. I don’t really know if subtitles would have taken away or added to the film, but it was kinda annoying to not have subtitles. It felt like I was listening to both sides of a sitcom telephone call where, because you only can hear one end of the conversation, the person has to repeat what the person on the other end of the line is saying:

Person We Can’t Hear: “I’m going to the store. Do you want anything?”

Person We Can Hear: “Do I want anything from the store?”

Person We Can’t Hear: “Oh, and I need to borrow some money, because I’m broke.”

Person We Can Hear: “You’re broke? Yeah. Sure. You can borrow money.”

Person We Can’t Hear: “WHY ARE YOU REPEATING EVERYTHING I SAY?” 

That sort of exchange is tiring in one scene in a sitcom, let alone in an entire movie. I guess I don’t know what the best solution to that would be. Some people like subtitles, and some people don’t. Maybe have an inner monologue thing happening where we hear what inside her head as she signs it? That might have been a good solution.

It was a very intriguing movie for me, because as I said above, I have a disability myself. I was born with moderate spastic cerebral palsy, and it was interesting to see how the ‘normal' people treated Matlin’s character. The scene that particularly struck me was the poker scene. After Matlin’s character beat everybody and was counting her money at the table, everybody around her was all, “Wow, James [William Hurt’s character], you really did a good job at teaching Sarah how to play!” in a tone like she was some kind of circus animal. I guess that was the point of the scene, but it did bother me a little. 

And William Hurt’s signing was a little distracting, but he did a good job of it considering he had to learn ASL from scratch for the movie. They covered it up as best they could by having his character say that he was rusty at ASL throughout the whole movie. He’s a teacher of the Deaf! He’s taught at all the good schools! He shouldn’t be that rusty at ASL!

Final Thoughts: 5 slices of pizza out of 6. It was a great story told with heart and feeling, and it did a good job on focusing on how much of a difference advocacy can play in someone’s life. 

The Seven Year Itch (1955)

Italian title:
“When the Wife is
on Vacation”

Directed by: Billy Wilder 

Written by: Billy Wilder, George Axelrod

Starring: Marilyn Monroe, Tom Ewell, Evelyn Keyes

Running Time: 1 hour, 45 minutes

Rating: NR

Pre-Conceived Notions: For those of you not versed in classic movie history, this is the movie where Marilyn Monroe gets her dress blown up on the air grate. It’s probably the only thing people remember from this film. Unless you’re a classic film historian. An interesting trivia: Marilyn’s character is never given a name, and is credited as ‘The Girl.’
Why I Haven't Seen This Film: I haven’t seen a lot of the classics. This is just the second of many films from the ’50s I’m going to be reviewing, so I hope as we go along, it’ll encourage you to watch more classic films.

1 hour, 45 minutes later…: Is there some award out there for biggest Indian stereotype featured in a movie? Thanks to the strides and advancements we’ve made in the past 60 years, the opening scene in this film looks ridiculous. The first ‘Indian’ woman you see is obviously a white woman in tan make up and a wig. And there were some guys in there that were obviously Irish. And I found the teepees extra hilarious. Oh, the ’50s, you slay me. 

I have a theory about the movie that no synopsis I’ve read has mentioned. The basic plot of the film is that this man, who has been married for seven years has to stay behind and work as a publishing executive while his wife and child go on a summer vacation up in Ogunquit, Maine. Coming home after work, he sits down to read a manuscript on infidelity and has an imaginary conversation with his wife about how he is presented with every opportunity to cheat on her with his secretary and his night nurse following his appendectomy throwing themselves at him, and him ignoring their advances. The theme of imagination is very well established at the beginning of the film.

Okay. Here’s where my theory comes into play. As he is walking around the living room, he steps on his son’s roller skate, falls backwards, and hits is head on the ground. (Concussion, perhaps?) The minute he does that, The Girl (played wispily and airily by the wispy and airy Marilyn Monroe) buzzes at the door to be let in because she forgot her apartment key upstairs. So, I’m thinking this is all in his mind. It’s too much of a coincidence not to be. Bump on the head, and BOOM! Marilyn Monroe suddenly lives in the apartment upstairs from you? 

Then towards the end of the movie—okay, THE end of the movie (*Spoiler Alert!*) he’s really paranoid about someone finding out about his affair with The Girl, and this guy he’s been weary of doing the same thing with his wife that he’s ben doing with The Girl shows up in the kitchen, and he gets into a heated one-sided argument, and says something along the lines of, “What, you think I’ve got Marilyn Monroe in the kitchen?” And it so happened that Marilyn Monroe was in the kitchen at that point in the movie. That, my friends proves my point! If Marilyn Monroe exists in the universe where this movie takes place, and the name of The Girl is never revealed throughout the course of the film, doesn’t it stand to reason that the whole movie is in his head, and The Girl/Marilyn Monroe is just something he dreamed up? I rest my case. This theory is on none of the webpages about the movie. I’m really gobsmacked that people have missed this. 

Final Thoughts: 5 slices of pizza out of 6. It’s a really cute and light comic film of the ’50’s. If you’re interested about the iconic scene with Marilyn and her dress blowing up around her when she’s atop the subway grate, she is never shown from the waist up at that point in the film. It just cuts to her legs as the wind blows her skirt up. The iconic image people have in their minds comes from photographs of the production, not the film itself. Rent it for that, and rent it for the Shyamalan-esque ending. You’ll see what I mean.

Peyton Place (1957)

French title:
“The Pleasures of Hell”

Directed by: Mark Robson

Written by: John Michael Hayes, Grace Metalious

Starring: Lana Turner, Hope Lange, Lee Philips

Running Time: 2 hours, 22 minutes

Rating: NR

Pre-Conceived Notions: Gather ’round, kids, I’ve got a little story to tell you. 

[cue flashback music] 

I was at dinner with my father’s family, and I mentioned to them my interest in theatre and maybe thinking about doing movies, and all of a sudden my uncle pipes up: “Y’know, your father was in a movie in the ’50s. And your aunts.”

“Really? Nah. You’re joking.”

“No. It’s true. Your father and your aunt are the people at the very beginning of Peyton Place, walking up the stairs, and your other aunt was the person in the room that gets up and leaves right afterwards.”

And it turns out it’s true. Peyton Place was filmed in my hometown of Belfast, ME, and my father and aunts were hired as extras. Back then, you didn’t get issued a social security number until you got employed. Years later, I got to meet and talk with Hope Lange when she was a special guest of the National Theatre Workshop of the Handicapped the first year they were in my hometown. I had no idea who she was when I talked to her, but it was cool because now I can say I talked to Hope Lange about Cheez-Its. (She was a fan.) 

Why I Haven't Seen This Film: You’d think that I’d’ve run out to the video store as fast as possible to rent this movie, but I didn’t. I don’t know why. But it is what it is.

2 hours, 22 minutes later…: I think I need a couple shots of whiskey to decompress from this movie. I mean it had it all: murder, adultery, suicide, and shots of my hometown. Which is really kind of weird to be sitting there, watching an old movie and, “Oh, wow! That’s where that chick rear-ended me and my van in her father’s Audi!” And then a couple of scenes later, “There’s the church my aunt got married in!” etc. This is going to be the first in a series of three movies filmed in my hometown that I’ll be reviewing during the course of the year, so stay tuned!

The two lessons this movie dealt with was, 1) Let your kids be who they’re going to be. You’re the parent, not the puppeteer. The more you try to control your kids and mold them into the people you want them to be, the more they are going to want to rebel and push themselves away from you, and 2) Gossip is a very destructive thing. “What are they going to think of me if I do that, or how will people react if I do this?” Who cares? You only get one life in this world, so live it for you! In the end you’re only accountable for yourself, so are you going to live your life for somebody else, or are you going to live it for you? Huh? Answer me! 

Sorry. I just got done watching a very melodramatic movie for the past three hours, and that kind of thing is really hard to get out of your system. Speaking of melodrama, holy melodrama, Batman! So many people grabbing each other by the shoulders, and crying forcefully, and all the suave comebacks from everybody on top of that. I mean, did people really talk like that in the ’40s (when this movie was set)? Oy vey! And I loved all of the poor man’s process stuff going on. Like they took a picture of the location (e.g. the exterior of Constance MacKenzie’s house), and projected it onto a giant screen in a soundstage and threw Lana Turner in front of it to act. But this was a time before green screen, so I can’t get after them too bad. 

(Addendum to the above story: I didn’t see any of my family members in the scene my uncle was talking about, because movies do a really bang-up job at hiding extras. But I’ll take my uncle’s word for it that they're in there.)

Final Thoughts: 5 out of 6 slices of pizza. If you have almost two and a half hours to spare, go ahead and watch this movie, especially if you’re from the Camden, ME/Belfast, ME area. Once your mind gets desensitized and turns into jelly because of all the melodrama and can focus in on the plot of the movie, it’s a very good time investment to make. 

Pretty in Pink (1986)

Hungarian title:
“Pink Dream”

Directed by: Howard Deutch

Written by: John Hughes

Starring: Molly Ringwald, Harry Dean Stanton, John Cryer

Running Time: 1 hour, 36 minutes

Rating: PG-13

Pre-Conceived Notions: My first thought watching the trailer is that it’s going to be hard to separate John Cryer from his 2 1/2 Men character. I’m going to be expecting Charlie Sheen or Holland Taylor to pop out of the woodwork all throughout the movie. And then it just boils down to a typical ’80s John Hughes movie dealing with the same themes: teenage angst, status, sex, Molly Ringwald, etc. Two things I’m looking forward to seeing: a freaky-looking Annie Potts in a weird wig, and John Cryer having too much of a good time lip synching in a video store.

Why I Haven't Seen This Film: I’m not a John Hughes freak. Don’t his fans have names? If they do I can’t think of what they’re called. Hit me up in the comments if you know.

1 hour, 36 minutes later…: Aah, prom. So many memories. Especially my senior one. For me, it was basically a normal high school dance, except instead of getting funky and doing the worm and the Bartman in jeans and a t-shirt, people were doing all that stuff in formalwear. Maybe I was above it all in high school, or maybe I didn’t give a monkey’s about it, but I didn’t feel like it was a huge deal to go to prom alone. It could be because I actually brought three dates to prom because, y’know, I’m me, but seeing those people who went stag, it didn’t seem to faze them. In this movie? They act like prom could make or break somebody’s life! Maybe it could back then. Or, maybe I forget what it’s like being in high school, where everything is such a compressed, simplified microcosm of society, where people have to worry about popularity and wanting to fit in, and hormones and mystery meat and stuff like that, so everything is magnified one thousand percent.

Let’s get down to brass tacks. This movie was pretty good. It wasn’t really over the top like Sixteen Candles got in certain places, and there was a whole lot more action than in The Breakfast Club. It was sort of a mixture of the two. You have your themes of status and angst like in the Breakfast Club, and you’ve got the romantic end of things like in Sixteen Candles. Which reminds me: Is it just me, or did you get confused between James Spader and Andrew McCarthy? They look so much alike, it took me a while to notice that they were two different people. Maybe it’s the jet lag. Or the four doughnuts I had today. I’m going to blame it on the jet lag. Okay? Okay.

The thing I liked the most about this film is that it wasn’t entirely angsty. The film really addressed the whole topic of parents and how one goes about getting the support they need. She had the best father in the world, and her boss was as good as any mother figure she could have had. And Duckie was like a brother in a twisted sort of way. Y’know, I like Annie Potts in insane, out-there roles. It’s kind of a shame that she steered away from that when she got on Designing Women. ADHD anyone?

Final Thoughts: 5 slices of pizza out of 6. John Cryer stole the movie with a character you could root for, but always knew things weren’t going to work out for him; there was excellent chemistry between McCarthy and Ringwald, and a nice balance with the parental characters. And Molly Ringwald has above average clavicles. There. I said it.

The Great Gatsby (2013)

French title:
“Gatsby the Magnificent”

Directed by: Baz Luhrmann

Written by: Baz Lurhmann, Craig Pearce, F. Scott Fitzgerald

Starring: Leonardo DiCaprio, Tobey Maguire, Carey Mulligan

Running Time: 2 hours, 22 minutes
Rating: PG-13

Pre-Conceived Notions: I had to read The Great Gatsby in high school. I don’t remember much about the book, really. All I remember is the lists of vocabulary words the teacher made us memorize (this is where I learned the word ‘wan,’ a very descriptive word that isn’t used as much as it should be these days) and all of the analytical questions we had to answer about the plot and themes and stuff like that. I think someone gets hit by a car? That’s pretty much all I remember from that book. But in my English teacher’s defense, I read it 18 years ago, so I can’t blame being forced to read it (and therefore blocking everything from my mind as soon as I could) as the whole reason why I don’t remember anything. 

Why I Haven’t Seen This Film: Logistics. Let’s blame logistics on this one. 

2 hours, 22 minutes later…: Baz Lurhmann must love roller coasters, because holy crap is this movie zoomy. Like he can’t just jump cut to anything, he has to have the intricate crane and dolly shots and make us feel like we’re flying through the air, barfing up nachos all over ourselves, all the while screaming, “More! More!” Also, each shot in the movie makes me think about how much I need to clean my apartment because it is so cluttered. But that’s what makes his sensibility so special. It’s the movies, for crying out loud, so each second has to be filled with rich imagery, sound, and movement. And I really love the art deco period, so I doubly enjoyed the visuals. 

As far as the story is concerned, all I can say is, wow. What a story. I might go as far as saying this is the ultimate douleur exquise tale. Jay Gatsby moves heaven and earth for five years just to be with Daisy Buchanan, a girl that he thinks about constantly and can not imagine life without. He could have had anyone, but it was the one person just outside his reach that he was after. It’s a story as old as time itself. It also is a great look into the opulence and decadence of the time period. As I was watching, I was half-expecting some mention of the Great Depression, but it turns out the book itself was written before the Great Depression was a thing. So… yeah.

Final Thoughts: 5/6 slices of pizza. If the movie had lasted a minute longer, I would have had to take two dramamines. But the acting was superb, and my eyes and ears were just lapping up every bit of sensory bombast. I don’t know if that last sentence was English. Just go with it, k?