The Poseidon Adventure (1972)

Swedish title:
“The Poseidon
Catastrophe”

Directed by: Allen Neame

Written by: Paul Gallico, Stirling Silliphant, Wendell Mayes

Starring: Gene Hackman, Red Buttons, Ernest Borgnine

Running Time: 1 hour, 57 minutes

Rating: PG

Pre-Conceived Notions: I am expecting something along the lines of Titanic, but instead of the boat sinking 30 minutes before the end, it starts sinking 30 minutes into the movie. Some people survive; some people don’t, and in the end everyone learns a valuable lesson: Shelley Winters curses every boat she steps foot on. True story.

Why I Haven't Seen This Film: I have a fear of drowning?

From the IMDb trivia page: [The movie was] shot in sequence, taking advantage of the fact that the principals became dirtier and more tattered and suffered injuries—some real and some artificial—as they progressed.

1 hour, 57 minutes later…: I am completely exhausted. Utterly and completely exhausted. From the time they say, “Happy New Year!” at the beginning, it’s about 1 hour and 45 minutes of the Seven Layers of Hell. And to think that the actors themselves did most of the stunts. I really hope they got paid a whole hell of a lot of money to be put through that kind of physical stress, because, wow. 

Let’s get right into the meat and potatoes of this whole thing: There were characters you loved, namely Gene Hackman’s character, the Reverend, who would never give up no matter what happened to them. Mrs. Rosen, played by Shelley Winters, was a really sweet woman who tried to keep positive throughout the whole ordeal. 

And then there were those characters who you wanted to smack. Mr. Rogo, played very intensely by Ernest Borgnine, who didn’t know when to shut up and was more of a hinderance than a help, and then there was the that singer girl who was the most useless person ever. Every time they’d have to go through an obstacle, she’d crumple up and be useless. I kept shouting at the screen, “Dump her! She’s dead weight! She’s slowing you down!” I’m curious to think what my neighbors were thinking. 

Final Thoughts: A whole pizza. 6 out of 6 slices. I’d love to know if they did a documentary of the filming of this. I mean, there fires raging in the background, gallons of water flooding everywhere, and then all of those tunnels and ladders and stuff they had to climb. Please. Go out and rent this movie. Not only is it feature one of John Williams earliest scores, but you’ll get the experience of being in the ship with them trying to be rescued yourself. 

Big Fish (2003)

Lithuanian title:
My Fish Life

Director: Tim Burton
Written by: John August

Starring: Ewan MacGregor, Albert Finney, Billy Crudup

Running Time: 2 hours, 5 minutes

Rating: PG-13

Pre-Conceived Notions: From the trailer, I get whimsey. And Danny DeVito with weird hair. And then more whimsey. From what I gather from my friends, it’s a pretty spectacular film. Like, people cry and stuff. I’m not sure if it’s a sob, or one of those cries where your diaphragm spasms and you’re all snotty and shit, but I have a box of Puffs Plus handy just in case, because even OnStar commercials have made me cry in the past, so…

Why I Haven’t Seen This Film: I have no good answer for this, so I’m going to say that up until recently I had an irrational fear of movies that mention sea creatures in their titles, and “fish” is a huge umbrella for sea creatures in general. So, I spent tons of money and got therapy and now I’m cured and can cry into my Puffs Plus with abandon*.

2 hours, 5 minutes later…: This is the movie where the guy who does the priceless MasterCard commercials is sick and tired of his father, Daddy Warbucks, telling the same old fantastical stories about when he used to look like the younger Obi-Wan Kenobi. But I’m not sure why, I mean, I love people who can tell a really good story, no matter how embellished they are. But this movie dealt with a lot more than just tall tales and mind-bending adventure. It really looks at how much our identities are link with the people who came before us. We are how our parents met, and what experiences they had before we had us. We are as much them as we will be to our own children. For several millennia now, our identities are kind of like cotton, i.e. the fabric of our lives.

Like all other Tim Burton movies, this one is loaded to the brim with rich imagery and larger-than-life storytelling. Helena Bonham Carter, a.k.a. Mrs. Burton plays 3 characters that kind of hints at being one character? But maybe I won’t spoil that part for you. It was a little weird. But it is interesting, because she is the only person to have played both the older version and the younger version of herself amongst characters who had both younger and older versions of themselves, apart from her as a little girl. So she’s the connection between the past and the future.

One of my favorite parts of the movie was seeing 7'4" Matthew McGrory tower over 5' Danny DeVito. It was like a Burtonesque replay of a blenderized version of Gulliver’s Travels. One of my least favorite parts of the movie was seeing Danny DeVito’s naked behind. As I was eating lunch. So, if you haven’t seen this movie, don’t watch it while you’re eating lunch.

Final Thoughts: 5 out of 6 slices of pizza. This movie is like a modern-day Alice in Wonderland with hints of Forrest Gump, and is a perfect way to escape the reality of life for a while. Oh, and in case you’re wondering, I didn’t cry. THey tried to pull at my heartstrings at the end there, but alas, it wasn’t meant to be.

*I'm getting no remuneration for mentioning Puffs Plus twi— uh, three times, in this post.

Capote (2005)

Italian title:
“Truman Capote -
In Cold Blood”

Directed by: Bennett Miller

Written by: Dan Futterman, Gerald Clarke

Starring: Philip Seymour Hoffman, Clifton Collins, Jr., Catherine Keener

Running Time: 1 hour, 54 minutes

Rating: R

Pre-Conceived Notions: In all honesty, Truman Capote was a little before my time. I’ve only seen one interview with him, (the one he did with David Frost in the ’60s), and that’s all I have to go on as far as the authenticity Philip Seymour Hoffman brings to the role. I like a good biopic, so I’m looking forward to watching this.
Why I Haven't Seen This Film: I gravitate towards comedies. This doesn’t look very funny to me, although I have been wrong about these things before.

1 hour 54 minutes later…: If you’re too young, like I am, to really have a good picture of what Truman Capote acted like and sounded like, just watch this clip, and tell me Philip Seymour Hoffman didn’t knock this one out of the park. It is very rare that an actor is so good he can embody any character he sets out to play. Johnny Depp is one of those people, and as I mentioned earlier, Helena Bonham Carter is one of those people, and you would be crazy not to put Hoffman on that list as well. 

This was a very compelling story. You’ve got this prisoner on death row, Perry, who sees Capote as his only way out of getting executed, and you’ve got Capote himself who has such a driving urge to tell the story that he’s willing to use these two people and keep them alive for as long as possible and then abandon them when he gets all he needs. But he didn’t bank on falling in love with Perry. What this movie does best is highlight was a master manipulator Truman Capote was with his masterful lies and his cool-as-a-cucumber demeanor. I may have to go out and find a copy of In Cold Blood and read it, just to get a grasp on what kind of book he was writing. 

Before I close out this review, I’d like to spend a few words saying that we truly lost someone with ridiculous amounts of talent who wasn’t your typical movie star. He exemplified the now-cliché that there’s no such thing as a small part, just a small actor. Every single part he did, he grabbed it by the balls, and acted the crap out of it. He was always memorable no matter how supporting his role was. It really too bad that drugs has claimed yet another gifted human being. 

Final Thoughts: 5 out of 6 slices of pizza. Top-notch acting, and the movie was unabashedly unapologetic about what it showed us. Rest in peace, Mr. Hoffman. Your work is done here.