Saw (2004)

Uruguayan title
“The Game of Fear”

Directed by: James Wan

Written by: James Wan, Leigh Wennell

Starring: Leigh Wennell, Cary Elwes, Danny Glover

Running Time: 1 hour, 43 minutes

Rating: R

Pre-Conceived Notions: I’ve known about Saw for a really long time, since it came out when I was in college, and since I’m not really that interested in horror at all, I never actively sought it out. And then the first Saw sequel came out, and then the next one came out, and I’d hear about some of the really fucked up shit that would happen in these movies, and decided to nope myself out of ever watching any Saw movie ever. But I told my friend the other day that I hadn’t seen Saw, and she instantly said, “Oh my god!! You haven’t seen Saw?! I’m coming over with the DVD!” So… I guess I’m going to see Saw just so I can say I saw Saw. 

Also, I have a question about the title. Is it ‘Saw’ like the past tense of ‘see’? Or is it ‘Saw’ like the tool? I guess I will find out. 

Bit-O-Trivia from the IMDb page: “Casting director Amy Lippens chose her ex-husband in the role of Mark, the man who burns himself alive.” 

1 hour 43 minutes later…: For a ‘psychological thriller,’ this movie was not as bad as I was thinking it would be. It didn’t make me jump. Although some of the scenarios people had to go through were kind of messed up. Like the reverse bear trap? And then performing an exploratory on a guy while he’s alive to find the key in his stomach? Dude. That’s really messed up. And doing post movie research, I found out that that was Shawnee Smith, the girl who played the quirky airhead on Ted Danson’s post-Cheers comedy Becker! I never in a million years would have guessed that was her. 

But I like how the pace of the movie went along and you never really knew who was behind the curtain pulling the strings until the very end. I’m not going to do the spoiler thing, because there maybe someone who is even more sheltered than I am who hasn’t seen it yet, and if they knew the dead guy on the floor did it, well, they wouldn’t even need to watch the movie. So you’re not going to get a spoiler from me! No siree! 

I don’t know if it was because the shooting schedule was so tight, or what, but it seemed like every time Elwes was in a really intense scene, his English accent poked through a little bit. Whereas I never would have been able to tell the other dude was Australian. He was solid throughout the whole movie.

Final Thoughts: 5.5 out of 6 slices of pizza. It still kind of holds up for what it is, and it came out pretty good for a first-time writing/directing team. But I guess if you have the likes of Danny Glover and Cary Elwes tied to your project, it’s hard for it not to be a success. 

Deadpool (2016)

Directed by:  Tim Miller

Written by:  Rhett Reese, Paul Wernick

Starring: Ryan Reynolds, Morena Baccarin, Ed Skrein

Running Time: 1 hour, 40 minutes

Rating: R

Pre-Conceived Notions: I try to pride myself on being a pop culture nerd, but I fail really hardcore sometimes. Like I think I’ve always heard people talk about Deadpool, but I had no idea who he was, or really even what he was. And then I heard more about him, and the fact that he breaks the 4th wall and actually is conscious of the fact that he’s in a comic book? That’s so meta and weird that I don’t know why I wasn’t aware of him earlier. And apparently the movie follows suit with Deadpool making cracks about Ryan Reynolds. I wonder if there will be any mention of Two Guys, a Girl and a Pizza Place. I loved that show!

Bit-O-Trivia from the IMDb page: “During a talk at Google, Ryan Reynolds revealed that the taxi driver ‘Dopinder’ was named after a ‘really cool guy’ he knew in elementary school, who died when he was hit by lightening. It was meant to be a tribute to him.” 

1 hour, 40 minutes later…: Let me begin by saying that I believe that one of a film’s goals is to tell a story. A complete story, even if it’s based off a comic book that a lot of people are fans of—especially if it’s based off a comic book a lot of people are fans of. A film should not just cater to the die hard fans of said comic book character, it should take people who are comic book virgins, wine them, dine them, show them a good time. Maybe buy them a drink. Spoon a little, and then tell a complete goddamn story. 

As a 100% Deadpool newbie, I have to say I was completely lost. None of the characters were flashed out for me. Who was the humongous silver Russian dude? Why is he even friends with Deadpool? And what about that chick with him that Deadpool kept making Sinéad comments at? What was her deal? 

I’m going to write another paragraph that are full of questions. Are you ready? What was Ajax/Francis’ motive for tricking people into become torture victims? Why does a deprivation of oxygen mutate and disfigure people? Why was he so sensitive about Wade divulging his identity? Who was Ajax/Francis’ assistant and why is she so much stronger than Silver Russian Dude? 

So many questions left unsatisfactorily hanging out there. Maybe people who have read Deadpool for years know what the movie is talking about, but I was just lost. I was laughing my head off at the one-liners and pop culture references that were being fired off, but I was just floating in a sea of plot waiting for someone to throw a freakin’ lifesaver. 

Final Thoughts: 4 out of 6 slices of pizza. Speaking of pizza, does anyone know what happened to the other guy from 2 Guys…? He was pretty funny, too.  

How to Be Single (2016)

Russian title:
“Actively Looking”

Directed by: Christian Ditter

Written by: Abby Kohn, Marc Silverstein, Dana Fox

Starring: Dakota Johnson, Leslie Mann, Rebel Wilson

Running Time: 1 hour, 49 minutes

Rating: R

Pre-Conceived Notions: I gotta say, living a trailer-free life is where it’s at. The only preconceived notion I had coming in to this movie was that it was a chick flick. That’s it. I had no expectations, false or otherwise, from the studio, and just sat down and watched the movie from a really pure place. I did that with Guardians of the Galaxy, and I wasn’t disappointed, so maybe I’ll make it a life rule that I never watch a trailer again as long as I shall live. You read it here first, folks!

Bit-O-Trivia from the IMDb page: “Dakota had all her tattoos covered for this role.” [Sorry. That was the most interesting bit of trivia I could find.] 

1 hour, 49 minutes later…:  Coming into this, I was expecting the formulaic rom-com scenario of watching two illogically good-looking people fall in love, fuck up really bad, miss each other miserably, have a three-minute make-up conversation, and happily ever afters, sunsets, babies, blah. I waited for that to happen the entire movie. For starters, there were no illogically good-looking people in this movie. (Sorry, Dakota. Your mom may be Melanie Griffith, and your grand-mom Tippi Hedren, but you’re just normally good looking. And you remind me of a college friend, but that’s an entirely different blog.) This was really refreshing, because I think having relatively normal looking people grounded the story a little bit. 

But throughout the movie, I kept waiting for a relationship—any relationship—to start. I was like, “Oh! Alice is going to have a fling with the bartender, and they’re going to fall in love, and then she’s going to go back to her boyfriend who she's ‘on a break’ from to break up with him, and he’s going to be in bed with another woman, and sunsets and rainbows and kids and yadda.” Nope. THEN I was like, “Oh! That wallflower stealing the WiFi at the bar is going to fall in love with the bartender, and she’ll ferret out his philandering lifestyle, and call it off, regret it, text him, and end credits.” Nope. This happened throughout the entire movie. At one point I was heard exclaiming at the screen, “Will something good happen, please?” Luckily my friend and I were pretty much the only people in the theater, so I did not get Junior Mints thrown at me. But I think it was the fact that they didn’t focus on the gushy romance and the perfect relationship and all of that stuff that gave the movie its charm. 

But you know what didn’t give the movie its charm? Rebel Wilson. I have to confess that I’ve never seen Pitch Perfect, (which I am putting on my spreadsheet right now, IRHSTOSLers. Don’t you worry.) But the fact that her character didn’t match the tone of the other characters and that she was too over-the-top and weird, it became clear to me that she was playing her PP character, but with a different name. She didn’t fit. She was a very round peg in a very square hole. The movie could have been much better if her character had been toned down a bit. 

Final Thoughts: I’m going to give this film 5 slices of pizza out of 6. It wasn’t your typical rom-com. It defied convention, which is awesome. But unfortunately, Rebel Wilson stole that one slice of pizza, mugged at me, and left before I could grab it from her. Yes. That was a fat joke, which is okay because I, too, am of the corpulent persuasion. (Love you Rebel. You're really funny. But just choose different roles. Diversify your portfolio.) To recap: Great acting. Great story. Little less Rebel would have been great. 

Animal House (1978)

French title:
“American College”

Directed by: John Landis

Written by: Chris Miller III, Harold Ramis, Douglas Kenney, John Hughes

Starring: John Belushi, Tim Matheson, Thom Hulce

Running Time: 1 hour, 49 minutes

Rating: R

Pre-Conceived Notions: I’ve reviewed a couple movies on here that were considered iconic films, such as Clerks (3 of 6 slices), The Exorcist (4 of 6 slices of pizza), Caddyshack (4 of 6 slices) and The Poseidon Adventure (6 of 6 slices), and have had mixed opinions on them. It makes me wonder why some movies are rocketed to the iconic film stratosphere, while other movies that are just as good—or better—don’t really do much of anything. Animal House is the seminal film that has inspired all other coming-of-age films featuring newly-free young adults with no boundaries. John Belushi is a genius, and this movie will live on forever. Or so the articles say. Bring on the Animal House madness. 

Why I Haven't Seen This Film: I haven’t written in this blog for literally months, and I am still tired of this question.

Bit-O-Trivia from the IMDb page: “As this was Kevin Bacon’s first role, when he went to the premiere, he wasn’t allowed to sit with the rest of the cast because the ushers didn’t believe he was in it. He had to sit in the back with everyone else.”

1 hour, 49 minutes later…: My favorite thing to do in here is pinpoint some WTF moments in the films I review. Maybe that will become a section of the blog from now on. Yes. I think it shall! With this film, it’s the scene where Bluto gets the ladder to spy on the sorority girls through their upstairs window. As he is climbing the ladder, he’s making as much noise as a portly Albanian comedy legend can make with a ladder, which is to say, a lot. And I was watching the whole thing going, “This is going to be good. They all are going to scream or push him off the ladder or something.” Nothing. Happens. And then when he sees Babs come in and go to her room, he hops the ladder across as loudly as possible to spy on Babs, who is facing the window as she’s taking her bra off. And she doesn’t notice him. Seriously? There was comedy gold here, and the only pay off was him passing out on the ladder?! Hashtag disappointing. 

I have a confession to make. I am starting to think my icon-dar is broken. I thought this movie was okay. There were some very funny parts, like every second of the cafeteria scene. Especially the, “I’m a zit.” sequence. And when Babs is jerking off Greg in the car, and she says, “Is anything happening? My arm’s getting tired.” And he’s just going along like nothing is happening and then she gets frustrated and takes her rubber gloves off. And in a scene later on in the movie, the same sort of thing happens, and she says, “Is it supposed to be this soft?” Hysterical! 

Perhaps it’s not my icon-dar that is lacking. Perhaps this movie was so groundbreaking that so many movies wanted to pay homage to it that they all emulated it and improved on it so much that now it’s just an okay movie. 

Another theory as to why I thought it was just okay is that it reminded me of the so-called Greek Life on my campus. All through college I kept wondering if Greek people were at all happy about their nationality getting mixed up in these organizations. Organizations whose members, yes, did community service and stuff, but also contributed to the debaucherous drinking culture on campus. Every pledge cycle, the frat people would be marching around campus at 3 in the morning chanting and singing at the top of their lungs to make sure everyone heard them. Anyway, to avoid this post becoming an anti-fraternity diatribe, I’ll just say this movie hit too close to the reality that was my experience of “Greek” life at my school, and it kind of took some of the comedy out of it. It’s probably a combination of those two things that contributed to the meh-ness of the movie for me.

One of the positive things about the movie for me was the nostalgia. It was interesting to see a mimeograph machine in action! I’m going to date myself big time here, but it the beginning stages of my career in elementary school, all of our worksheets and papers were printed by a mimeograph machine which spat out weird looking purple copies of everything. Yep. I’m old. Mimeograph machines FTW!

Final Thoughts: The movie was a jello mold of meh with floaters of brilliance throughout. It may have been great at one time, but I think its time has come. Also, RIP John Belushi. We hardly even knew ye. 3 out of 6 slices of pizza. 

Zardoz (1974)

Turkish title:
“Designed God Zardoz”

Directed & Written by: John Boorman

Starring: Sean Connery, Charlotte Rampling, Sara Kestelman

Running Time: 1 hour, 47 minutes

Rating: R

Pre-Conceived Notions: From what I’ve heard on bad movie podcasts and review sites is that it’s as if John Boorman set out to make a male version of Barbarella, inject some erudition, edginess, gratuitous sex and violence into it. That’s basically it. So I’m expecting much less shag (of the carpet variety) and a lot more WTF-ness. But what I gathered from the reviews is that the plastic quotient is fairly comparable between the two films. Plastic is our future. If you’re not on board with that, then you’re just going to be left behind. 

Why I Haven't Seen This Film: Because nobody sees Zardoz on purpose. Nobody.

Bit-O-Trivia from the IMDb page: “A real life animal baboon on the set attacked a double dressed in an ape suit who was portraying a baboon.”    

1 hour, 47 minutes later…: When I decided to watch this, I was really in the mood for a seriously weird movie. And when I saw the “Inflatables by…” credit pop up, I was like, “Jackpot!” Because the future = inflatables. Obvi. Also, I kind of think Boorman nailed some of the future. People talk into rings and get answers back. Siri, anyone? Spooky.

The IMDb trivia page reveals a lot about the genesis of the film, especially since it is revealed that John Boorman made it right after a project to bring the Lord of the Rings trilogy to the screen was cancelled. It makes complete sense that this was Boorman’s attempt at Lord of the Rings. The 5 different races, (the Brutals, the Eternals, the Renegades, the Apathetics and the Exterminators), the whole quest by a chosen man to destroy a thing that had a hold on society (the tabernacle versus the ring), etc. Not a bad canvas on which to start painting a picture. 

But then things got sloppy. I think he wanted to put elements of the Planet of the Apes in there with the whole invasion of a strange creature that needs to be studied because science. And you can’t have science fiction without horses on a beach. He tried to then give things complexity by shoving a whole bunch of random stuff in there: crystals, baguettes, large tiki heads, boobs, Sean Connery in a wedding dress, inflatables, balls, mirrors, random projections, sex education, inflatables… you get the picture. All of it served to muddy the whole message of the movie, which is that dying and sex are essential parts of the human experience, and that the Wizard of Oz is evil and must be destroyed.  Worst. Twist. Ever. It’s even got Shyamalan beat. 

Final Thoughts: The movie tried to be edgy and weird and sexual and failed. But it was kind of interesting to see a movie in which the happy ending was that everybody died at the end. Oh. Sorry. (***SPOILER!!!***) I always do that too late. 3 out of 6 slices. Because inflatables are hard to ignore.

Love and Other Drugs (2010)

German title:
“Side Effects Included”

Directed by: Edward Zwick
Starring: Jake Gyllenhaal, Anne Hathaway, Oliver Platt

Written by: Charles Randolph, Edward Zwick, Marshall Herskovitz 

Running Time: I hour, 52 minutes
Rating: R

Pre-Conceived Notions: For a long time, this movie was not on my radar. It was just one of those quirky rom-coms in the ebb and flow of quirky rom-coms, like Along Came Polly or Friends with Benefits, or anything Meg Ryan has ever done. It wasn’t until I joined Phamaly, a theater group for people with disabilities in Denver, Colorado, that my interest was piqued. I found out that one of my cast mates in the production I was in, Lucy Roucis, had a pretty significant scene in this film as the stand up comedian with Parkinson’s disease. Since that production last year, I’ve been fortunate to work with Lucy again, and count her as a friend.

It’s always weird to see a friend in a movie or a TV show, because your brain switches from the reality of the thing you’re watching to, “Oh, look! I know them!” and it kind of takes you out of it. But you’re still super proud of that friend and you have one more name to put in that bag of names for when yet another name dropping fight breaks out.

Why I Haven't Seen This Film: I’ll tell you what I told my friend (who was an extra in a Bollywood movie once) the other night at trivia: There’s a reason I have a movie review blog entitled No, I Really Haven’t Seen That One. Stop Laughing.

Bit-O-Trivia from the IMDb Trivia Page: “At one point, director Edward Zwick jumped into bed with Anne Hathaway and Jake Gyllenhaal for a group shot. This shot was used for the film’s poster, with Zwick digitally removed.”

1 hour, 52 minutes (and a little more) later…: Okay. Despite having my DVD player screw up three times, and having to reboot my computer 3 times and then paying $2.99 for the Amazon Prime version of the movie (this is how much I love you, the 6 people who read this blog), I really liked this movie.

I have to say that I related to this movie on many different levels. Right off the bat, being the grandson of a medical doctor growing up and getting various Christmas presents with prescription drug advertisements printed on them through the years, it kind of made me miss my childhood a little bit. And seeing the way the film talks about the commodification of illness kind of made me sick to my stomach. It’s like the drug companies aren’t out to find cures for illnesses. They’re corporations. All they care about is profits, and pushing pills. Anyway, this blog isn’t a soapbox for how screwed up our health care system is, so I’ll move on.

I can’t speak for other people, I can only speak for myself, but this film really struck a chord with me that I think I share with every physically handicapped person out there if they have Parkinson’s or cerebral palsy or whatever. And that is the worry about being adequate in a relationship. Why would anyone want to be in a relationship with someone with mobility issues? So, I saw a lot of myself in Anne Hathaway’s character, which I never expected with this movie.

…and then I saw my friend appear out of nowhere and do a standup routine. It was great to see her way back then, doing some of the jokes I’ve heard her do a couple times since I met her. I didn’t know her during the time she made the movie, and it gave me a real insight to how resilient a lady she is. Her Parkinson’s may have progressed since then, but she still has a devastating sense of humor, and a smile that will knock you off your feet. But there is one thing that I didn’t get in her stand up: One of the things she says is, “Fuck brushing your teeth.” Call me ignorant or whatever, but I would think Parkinson’s would make brushing your teeth a little easier. Maybe not. But I totally get the soup thing.

Jake Gyllenhaal and Anne Hathaway were amazing, as per usual. Gyllenhaal played a pitch perfect egomaniac and Hathaway made your heart break over and over as her character was fighting to accept the hand that life dealt her. And kudos to Josh Gad who was the perfect comic relief as the socially awkward little brother.

Final Thoughts: I take back what I said about this movie being a rom-com in an endless stream of rom-coms. This is so much more than that. This movie dares to discuss the intricacies of dating and having a relationship for people with disabilities. I know a lot of other movies do that, but this one was different. Anne Hathaway didn’t die at the end. She understood that she could have a relationship and accept her disability at the same time. I’m pretty impressed that Hollywood would make a movie like that. One of the only problems I had with the movie is he unsatisfying resolution of the Trey Hannigan character. Randall really should have punched his lights out towards the end or something. But that’s my only gripe. 5.5 slices of pizza.

M*A*S*H (1970)

Turkish title:
“At the Front Entertainment”

Directed by: Robert Altman

Written by: Ring Lardner, Jr.

Starring: Elliott Gould, Donald Sutherland, Tom Skeritt, Sally Kellerman
Running Time: 1 hour, 56 minutes
Rating: R

Pre-Conceived Notions: The only real clip I’ve seen of this film is the shower prank scene, the one where a naked and wet Sally Kellerman runs out of the shower and screams. I have no context for the scene, but that’s the one scene that sticks out in my mind. And, being a child of the ’80s, I of course, am familiar with all the characters. It’ll be kind of weird to watch Donald Sutherland in the role of Hawkeye, but I’m sure my mind will gloss over it in time.

Why I Haven't Seen This Film: The TV series was more than enough to get my Korean war-centric sitcom fix as a child.
Bit-O-Trivia: Robert Altman’s son wrote the featured song in this movie entitled Suicide is Painless, which made him a millionaire within a year, and became the theme song to the television series later on.

1 hour, 56 minutes later…: First off, I want to comment on the helicopters in the opening montage. Is that how they used to transport soldiers in need of medical attention? On the outside of the helicopters? Weren’t they afraid of gusts of wind, or slippage if the copter were to pitch too severely? I wonder how many people were lost in wars by just falling off the side of a helicopter. If you’re bored, there’s something to google at home, folks!

Okay. This is a movie review, so I guess I should review the movie. I’m going to start off by saying that it’s kinda impossible to review the movie without comparing the film with the series, since the series was a major part of my childhood, so I’m just going to do that. It was very interesting to see what elements of the film crossed over in the series:

• The whole tone of the movie centering around the hijinks of Hawkeye, Trapper John, and Duke Forrest. The juxtaposition between the humor taking place outside of the OR and the gravity of things inside is probably the thing I remember most of the series, so it was nice to see the film had that same tone.
• The relationship between Hotlips and Frank Burns. I had never known how Margaret O’Houlihan got her nickname, so it was definitely an eyeopener for me. And a great question for Dirty Trivial Pursuit! Although, I was surprised that the Frank Burns character was much more villainous in the film than in the television show. In the television show, Frank Burns was just a character to be pitied, but in the movie, you really hated him. And the coup de grâce was seeing him driven off in a straightjacket by the military police.
• The announcements made over the loud speaker. I thought the bumbling PA announcer was the perfect touch, especially the one where he had a hard time pronouncing the medical terminology. I almost experienced a “femoral puh—, uh, puh— um…” myself watching that scene.

The one thing that bugged me about the movie was Hotlips’ arc. They drove her love interest to insanity, and then they disgraced her in the shower, and yet at the end of the movie, you see her cheering on the football team? She is portrayed to be a bit of an airhead, but even then, I’d think she’d ask for a transfer or something. But Sally Kellerman’s performance was pretty good. She played enraged humiliation perfectly, and totally deserved the Oscar nomination.

Side note: when Tom Skeritt first appeared on screen my initial reaction was, “Jack Nicholson was in M*A*S*H?” And then once the camera could get a close-up, I was like, “Oh. Right. The dude from Picket Fences.”

Final Thoughts: I really enjoyed watching this movie, just to see how they developed the television program from it. Even though it was like watching the alternate universe version of the show, the almost two-and-a-half-hour runtime flew by. 5 out of 6 slices of pizza.

The Exorcist (1973)

Turkish title:
Satan

Director: William Friedkin

Starring: Ellen Burstyn, Linda Blair, Max von Sydow

Running Time: 2 hours, 2 minutes

Rating: R

Pre-Conceived Notions: Pre-conceived notions about The Exorcist? I am scared shitless to sit down and watch it because I heard so many fantastical things about how creepy it is. It’s so creepy in fact that the physical film itself was thought to be possessed by a demon. Have you seen the IMDb trivia page to this? Friedkin put his actors through hell. Poor Ellen Burstyn suffered a back injury when they yanked her harness really hard during one of the scenes. And Mercedes McCambridge had to do all sorts of crazy things to perform the part of Pazuzu. She swallowed raw eggs and smoked like one of those machines that smoke 20 cigarettes all at once. But the awful part is that she wasn’t in the final credits. Friedkin was kind of a jerk. Not gonna lie. Back on track: I’m really excited to see how this holds up after 41 years. Part of me hopes it does, and part of me doesn’t so I am not actually scared shitless. These are new pants.

Why I Haven't Seen This Film: It’s The Exorcist. 

Bit-O-Trivia from the IMDb page: “This is Warner Brothers’ highest grossing film of all time when adjusted for inflation.”

2 hours, 2 minutes later…: A couple things before we get into the meat and potatoes of the movie. 1) I really wish they had developed the plot more. It seemed like there were key scenes missing. Like, okay. One minute Regan is a normal 12-year-old girl, then she goes up to bed, and KAPOW! She’s possessed and urinating on the carpet. I mean, come on! Can you build up the suspense just a little bit more? 2) I would really liked to have seen a scene where Burke flies through the window. We get nothing of that. The character of Burke is dead all of a sudden, Ellen Burstyn has an overreaction, and we’re left sitting there thinking, “Who the hell is Burke?” 3) The way the whole exorcism is dealt with. Father Karras keeps saying, “It’s going to take an awful lot of evidence to get an exorcism approved,” and then he gets all this evidence, and he tells Chris that he really doesn’t have a lot of evidence. Cut to he’s meeting the monsignor, cut to the monk delivery service in the woods, cut to they’re doing the exorcism. What? Why mention the difficulty of getting approved when you’re not going to spend a lot of time on it in the film? Maybe all these scenes I’m mentioning were cut and they’re on the DVD. All I can say is that it made for a very choppy film.

The one thing I came away with from this movie was thank the universe I was not alive during the early 70s. Were all those medical procedures authentic? The arteriogram shit that was going on there? Dude. And whatever that other thing was? Double dude. And my hats off to Linda Blair. What she had to go through to make the film was incredible. 75% of her screen time was her tied to a bed in the middle of a refrigerated bedroom set, 25% was her having to go through that freaky-deaky medical stuff, and the remaining 15% was of her being a regular kid.

There were some comedic parts thrown in there, too. Like when Chris MacNeil asks her nanny at the end of the film, “Are you sure you don’t want to stay with us?” Are you freaking kidding me? Your daughter just went through an exorcism during the course of which 2 priests died (**Spoiler!!**), shit was flying around her room, and freaky stuff happened 24/7. No. She doesn’t want to remain in your employ, you freak of a woman, you.

Final Thoughts: The movie wasn’t as scary as I thought it was going to be, but I can say with certainty that if I had been a moviegoer in 1973, I’d be scared of split-pea soup for the rest of my life. The sound design was magnificent, and for the time in which it was made, it’s a very impressive bit of cinema. But unfortunately it doesn’t hold up very well. 4 out of 6 slices of pizza.

Capote (2005)

Italian title:
“Truman Capote -
In Cold Blood”

Directed by: Bennett Miller

Written by: Dan Futterman, Gerald Clarke

Starring: Philip Seymour Hoffman, Clifton Collins, Jr., Catherine Keener

Running Time: 1 hour, 54 minutes

Rating: R

Pre-Conceived Notions: In all honesty, Truman Capote was a little before my time. I’ve only seen one interview with him, (the one he did with David Frost in the ’60s), and that’s all I have to go on as far as the authenticity Philip Seymour Hoffman brings to the role. I like a good biopic, so I’m looking forward to watching this.
Why I Haven't Seen This Film: I gravitate towards comedies. This doesn’t look very funny to me, although I have been wrong about these things before.

1 hour 54 minutes later…: If you’re too young, like I am, to really have a good picture of what Truman Capote acted like and sounded like, just watch this clip, and tell me Philip Seymour Hoffman didn’t knock this one out of the park. It is very rare that an actor is so good he can embody any character he sets out to play. Johnny Depp is one of those people, and as I mentioned earlier, Helena Bonham Carter is one of those people, and you would be crazy not to put Hoffman on that list as well. 

This was a very compelling story. You’ve got this prisoner on death row, Perry, who sees Capote as his only way out of getting executed, and you’ve got Capote himself who has such a driving urge to tell the story that he’s willing to use these two people and keep them alive for as long as possible and then abandon them when he gets all he needs. But he didn’t bank on falling in love with Perry. What this movie does best is highlight was a master manipulator Truman Capote was with his masterful lies and his cool-as-a-cucumber demeanor. I may have to go out and find a copy of In Cold Blood and read it, just to get a grasp on what kind of book he was writing. 

Before I close out this review, I’d like to spend a few words saying that we truly lost someone with ridiculous amounts of talent who wasn’t your typical movie star. He exemplified the now-cliché that there’s no such thing as a small part, just a small actor. Every single part he did, he grabbed it by the balls, and acted the crap out of it. He was always memorable no matter how supporting his role was. It really too bad that drugs has claimed yet another gifted human being. 

Final Thoughts: 5 out of 6 slices of pizza. Top-notch acting, and the movie was unabashedly unapologetic about what it showed us. Rest in peace, Mr. Hoffman. Your work is done here.

The Piano (1993)

Australian working title:
“The Black Keys”

Directed & Written by: Jane Campion

Starring: Holly Hunter, Harvey Keitel, Sam Neill

Running Time: 2 hours

Rating: R

Pre-Conceived Notions: This is the movie for which Anna Paquin set a record for the youngest winner of the Best Supporting Actress Oscar. All that really comes to mind about this film is that they carry a piano across an ocean? Maybe? And Holly Hunter’s mute, which makes sense, because her southern accent wouldn’t jive in the time period or location where this movie is set. I think Holly Hunter is great, but has she ever played anyone who spoke that wasn’t southern?

Why I Haven't Seen This Film: The title is really boring. The Piano. Doesn’t really say, “Go out and see this film!”, does it? No, it does not.

2 hours later…: He chopped her finger off! Her only solace and means of expression was that piano and he chopped her finger clean off! That was pretty much the only excitement that whole entire movie.  Except during the theatre scene when one of the natives thought all those women were actually beheaded and stormed the stage. That was pretty funny. The rest was a yawnfest. Seriously. It moved really slowly. 

But there are a couple things I’d like to say about Holly Hunter. To do a role without speaking a word is not an easy achievement. You really have to rely on so many other things to get your intentions across. But I guess that kind of part is an actor’s dream because there are no lines to memorize. Also, she did all of that piano playing herself! She had to have been a classically trained pianist beforehand. I mean, woah. She blew me away. I loved that they included it in the credits, too. Her Wikipedia article doesn’t say anything about being a trained pianist. I guess when you don’t have very many lines to learn, you learn the piano. 

What was with the nudity? I guess it was there to add realism, but I could have done without seeing Keitel’s Little Soldier. Although, it wasn’t as traumatizing as that scene where Sam Neill chopped her finger off. In front of her child! Dude! Seriously? There are plenty of fish in the sea. And now you have absolutely no chance with her because chopping someone’s finger off is probably the opposite of romantic. Call me crazy, but there ya go.

Final Thoughts: 3.5 out 6 slices of pizza. The cinematography was great. The acting was good, although I’m not sure why Anna Paquin actually won the Oscar for this. But the story just crept along. And the landscape with all that mud and stuff was kind of depressing. 

Memento (2000)

Turkish title:
“Teleprompter”

Directed by: Christopher Nolan

Written by: Christopher & Jonathan Nolan

Starring: Guy Pearce, Carrie-Ann Moss, Joe Pantoliano

Running Time: 1 hour, 53 minutes

Rating: R

Pre-Conceived Notions: Memento is one of those movies that has been around forever, and that I keep hearing a lot about. I’m actually really excited about watching it because it deals with chronological order, and messes time up and makes you think really hard about stuff. Those are the kinds of movies that I watch. I just posted that I was going to see this movie on Facebook, and one of my friends called it a “cinematographic lobotomy.” Whatever that’s supposed to mean. I guess I’m going to find out really soon.

Why I Haven't Seen This Film: At the time those really upbeat Mentos commercials were on the TV all the time, and Memento and ‘Mentos’ sound too much alike, so I didn’t go see it. Yeah. That’s exactly what happened. If you don’t believe me, I will submit to a polygraph. Don’t think I won’t do it, ’cause I will. 

1 hour, 53 minutes later…: Wow! That was like watching a Harold Pinter play. For those of you not in the know, Harold Pinter wrote a play where the scenes are backwards, so the surprise ending is actually the surprise beginning. Pretty cool, huh? Seinfeld did this as an hommage to Pinter in the episode where Elaine goes to India to get married? I think that was the plot? Anyway. I love it when people turn convention on its head like that. 

I have a confession to make. I’m a reader. I read Wikipedia articles and blogs about movies and stuff in order to quench my thirst for knowledge. I read in an article that the black and white scenes are in chronological order, and the color scenes are in reverse chronological order. That one simple thing really helped me follow the plot of the movie. In fact, it was such a no-brainer, I’m surprised people don’t pick up on that the first time they watch it. This whole technique is ingenious, because how do you write a movie from the point of view of a person with no short-term memory? You tell it backwards, of course! 

The only gripe I have about the plausibility of the plot is that when you have a short-term memory disorder, you kinda don’t remember you have a short-term memory disorder. There are real-life cases where people have memories as short as 7 seconds. It’s like they are trapped inside their heads, because they don’t have any recollection of the past, and they can’t look to the future, because they are locked in the present. Take a look at this video, and you’ll see what I mean.

Final Thoughts: 5.5 slices out of 6. The story telling was top-notch, and I’m kind of exhausted from trying to keep the plot in my head from all the scenes that happened before, but really happened after. Your brain is not designed for backwards things. I absolutely loved this movie. So why did I take a half a slice away? Well, YOU’RE NOT SUPPOSED TO SHAKE A POLAROID PICTURE! I don’t care what that song says. The good folks at Polaroid point out that shaking a picture in order to develop it faster destroys the picture quality. Someone really should have told Leonard that. 

The Boondock Saints (1999)

French title:
“The Angels of Boston”

Directed & Written by: Troy Duffy

Starring: Willem Dafoe, Sean Patrick Flannery, Norman Reedus

Running Time: 1 hour, 48 minutes

Rating:  R

Pre-Conceived Notions: This is another film that I’ve heard a lot about. A ton of my friends have always told me that I should go out to see this film. In my mind, I picture it to be kind of like Blade Runner, but Rotten Tomatoes says that it’s basically a movie trying really hard to be a Tarantino movie. I really see nothing wrong with that. Tarantino is a ground-breaking director who imitates and pays hommages to everyone. I’m anxious to see if this movie does “Tarantino” well, or if it misses the mark. 

Why I Haven't Seen This Film: Had to pick up some shirts at the dry cleaners. It was a long wait. 

1 hour, 48 minutes later…: I have to write this fast before my laptop battery dies. I loved this movie. It’s not often that you see a cop movie where you’re actually rooting for the good guys and the bad guys. Well, I guess in this case both Willem Dafoe and the Saints are the good guys, but that’s even rarer in a movie. 

I knew Bob Marley (the comedian, not the originator of reggae) was in this film but I thought he just had a cameo. His part was pretty huge. And I love it that they used actors from New England to be in this film to do the New English accents, because it seems like nobody outside of New England can pull it off. It either comes out Australian or Scottish, or I don’t know what. Our regional accent is much more complicated than just replacing all of the Rs with “AH”s. If you want a New English accent done right, you hire a New Englishman. End of story. 

What else? Oh, yes. All the critics seem to compare this movie with a Tarantino movie because of all the violence and gore and stuff. Well I am going to say that I liked this better than any Tarantino movie I’ve seen. The blood was not over the top or cartoonish. And it jived with the plot and the overall drive of the movie. Not once did I have a WTF moment watching this film. I have at least 5 of them whenever I watch any of Q’s stuff.

Final Thoughts: 6 out of 6. The movie moved right along; the plot was interesting and original, and I give it extra points for the exploding cat. That really made my night.

Party Monster (2003)

Party Monster (2003)

Directed & Written by: Fenton Bailey, Randy Barbado

Starring: Macaulay Culkin, Seth Green, Chloë Sevigny

Running Time: 1 hour, 37 minutes

Rating: R

Pre-Conceived Notions: There are fundamental, undeniable truths out there that are so rock solid no one can argue with them: The earth rotates around the sun. There are 12 months in the Julian calendar. Water is made up of two parts hydrogen to one part oxygen. And, of course, Macaulay Culkin can’t act. Some child actors out there start out as bright-eyed kids who can’t act but then blossom into some of the best adult actors of our times. Jodie Foster comes to mind. Macaulay Culkin is not one of those people. I’m only going by the trailer for this one, but I’m really hoping the other talent around him (Seth Green, Chloë Sevigny) lifts up his performance and makes it suck less. 

Why I Haven't Seen This Film: This isn’t really a mainstream movie, and the chances that I’ve seen a movie like that are slim to none.  Unless one of my friends are in it. Then I’ve probably seen it.

1 hour 37 minutes later…: I was really hoping this would be a lot like The Gift, not by way of the plot or anything like that, but by way of good actors bringing a terrible actor’s performance up so much that the actor’s performance isn’t that sucky anymore. Reeves is surrounded by tremendous actors—Cate Blanchett, Giovanni Ribisi, Hilary Swank—actors who amaze me in every single movie they’re in. So it just makes sense that Keanu is going to deliver a passable performance. That’s what I was hoping for with Culkin. Nope. Didn’t happen. 

I think he did this movie to run away from his Kevin McCallister persona, a lot like what Miley Cyrus is doing now. It’s not a very easy transition between sweet, wholesome kid actor to respected, legitimate adult actor. But rarely is that transition made by overdoing the drugs and the sex. And if such a transition includes a role with sex and drugs, it is successful because the person can act to begin with. What was that voice he was doing throughout the movie? He delivered every line with the same inflection. It was really painful to watch.

As far as the story is concerned, I actually remember these guys. I remember them being on Geraldo and Donahue and Sally, and how they scandalized the country with their no holds barred lifestyle. I don’t know why people get so scandalized. The same thing that happened with Club 54 is the same thing that happened here. Excessive decadence, debauchery, and ego lead straight into a death spiral with no way out. 

Final Thoughts: 4 out of 6 slices of pizza. Excellent pacing, visuals, music, etc. save the film from Culkin’s cryogenic performance. The themes of drugs, sex and excess are timeless in their ubiquity, so I think this film is going to hold up after another 15 years. 

Requiem for a Dream (2000)

Portuguese title:
“Life is a Dream”

Directed by: Darren Aronofsky

Written by: Hubert Selby, Jr., Darren Aronofsky

Starring: Ellen Burstyn, Jared Leto, Jennifer Connely

Running Time: 1 hour, 41 minutes

Rating: R

Pre-Conceived Notions: Who replaced the trailer with a Nine Inch Nails video? Does Trent Reznor make a cameo? Is this real life? What’s that woman doing in that fish tank? These questions and more will be answered on the next episode of Soap! Don’t worry if you don’t get that reference. I barely get it, and I wrote it, so… 

Why I Haven't Seen This Film: I probably had homework that day.

1 hour, 41 minutes later…: Wow. I shouldn’t have watched that movie first thing in the morning. My visual cortex is smarting because of all the intense imagery that assaults you minute after minute. It’s like taking that Aphex Twin video where that alien-looking creature is screaming at that old woman and her hair blows back and multiplying the intensity of that by a googolplex. Holy freakin’ shit. It kind of makes me want to go out and find the novel it’s based on.

It’s interesting, because the most intense scenes involve the character who I think is the biggest victim. Sara Goldfarb, played masterfully by Ellen Burstyn, just wanted to lose weight to fit into a dress so she could look good on TV, which makes her a double victim. First she gets the call to tell her that she’s been “selected to be a contestant on TV” which doesn’t happen in real life. You have to audition for shows before you can be selected for them. And then she becomes an addict on uppers because some charlatan prescribed them to her. She is the only character in the film that doesn’t know she’s an addict. 

Final Thoughts: I have to go take a shower many times over, so I’ll keep it short and sweet. 4.5 slices of pizza out of 6. The visuals are mind-blowing, as is the subject matter. The acting is intense and in your face. But the assault on your brain that you take is a bit much. Now if you excuse me, I’ll be in the bathtub. Crying, or something.

Children of a Lesser God (1986)

Argentine title:
“I Will Love You in
Silence”

Directed by: Randa Haines

Written by: Mark Medoff, Hesper Anderson, James Carrington

Starring: William Hurt, Marlee Matlin, Piper Laurie

Running Time: 1 hour, 59 minutes

Rating: R

Pre-Conceived Notions: Being a disabled person myself, it’s always great to see Hollywood make movies about people with disabilities, and extra points are scored when they cast actual people with disabilities. It should happen a lot more than it does. LET MY PEOPLE ACT!!

Why I Haven't Seen This Film: Because. 

1 hour, 59 minutes later…: There is so much to say about this movie. Where do I begin? I guess, first off I am a little ambivalent about the choice of the director to have the other actors say Matlin’s lines as she acted them instead of going for subtitles. I don’t really know if subtitles would have taken away or added to the film, but it was kinda annoying to not have subtitles. It felt like I was listening to both sides of a sitcom telephone call where, because you only can hear one end of the conversation, the person has to repeat what the person on the other end of the line is saying:

Person We Can’t Hear: “I’m going to the store. Do you want anything?”

Person We Can Hear: “Do I want anything from the store?”

Person We Can’t Hear: “Oh, and I need to borrow some money, because I’m broke.”

Person We Can Hear: “You’re broke? Yeah. Sure. You can borrow money.”

Person We Can’t Hear: “WHY ARE YOU REPEATING EVERYTHING I SAY?” 

That sort of exchange is tiring in one scene in a sitcom, let alone in an entire movie. I guess I don’t know what the best solution to that would be. Some people like subtitles, and some people don’t. Maybe have an inner monologue thing happening where we hear what inside her head as she signs it? That might have been a good solution.

It was a very intriguing movie for me, because as I said above, I have a disability myself. I was born with moderate spastic cerebral palsy, and it was interesting to see how the ‘normal' people treated Matlin’s character. The scene that particularly struck me was the poker scene. After Matlin’s character beat everybody and was counting her money at the table, everybody around her was all, “Wow, James [William Hurt’s character], you really did a good job at teaching Sarah how to play!” in a tone like she was some kind of circus animal. I guess that was the point of the scene, but it did bother me a little. 

And William Hurt’s signing was a little distracting, but he did a good job of it considering he had to learn ASL from scratch for the movie. They covered it up as best they could by having his character say that he was rusty at ASL throughout the whole movie. He’s a teacher of the Deaf! He’s taught at all the good schools! He shouldn’t be that rusty at ASL!

Final Thoughts: 5 slices of pizza out of 6. It was a great story told with heart and feeling, and it did a good job on focusing on how much of a difference advocacy can play in someone’s life.