Zardoz (1974)

Turkish title:
“Designed God Zardoz”

Directed & Written by: John Boorman

Starring: Sean Connery, Charlotte Rampling, Sara Kestelman

Running Time: 1 hour, 47 minutes

Rating: R

Pre-Conceived Notions: From what I’ve heard on bad movie podcasts and review sites is that it’s as if John Boorman set out to make a male version of Barbarella, inject some erudition, edginess, gratuitous sex and violence into it. That’s basically it. So I’m expecting much less shag (of the carpet variety) and a lot more WTF-ness. But what I gathered from the reviews is that the plastic quotient is fairly comparable between the two films. Plastic is our future. If you’re not on board with that, then you’re just going to be left behind. 

Why I Haven't Seen This Film: Because nobody sees Zardoz on purpose. Nobody.

Bit-O-Trivia from the IMDb page: “A real life animal baboon on the set attacked a double dressed in an ape suit who was portraying a baboon.”    

1 hour, 47 minutes later…: When I decided to watch this, I was really in the mood for a seriously weird movie. And when I saw the “Inflatables by…” credit pop up, I was like, “Jackpot!” Because the future = inflatables. Obvi. Also, I kind of think Boorman nailed some of the future. People talk into rings and get answers back. Siri, anyone? Spooky.

The IMDb trivia page reveals a lot about the genesis of the film, especially since it is revealed that John Boorman made it right after a project to bring the Lord of the Rings trilogy to the screen was cancelled. It makes complete sense that this was Boorman’s attempt at Lord of the Rings. The 5 different races, (the Brutals, the Eternals, the Renegades, the Apathetics and the Exterminators), the whole quest by a chosen man to destroy a thing that had a hold on society (the tabernacle versus the ring), etc. Not a bad canvas on which to start painting a picture. 

But then things got sloppy. I think he wanted to put elements of the Planet of the Apes in there with the whole invasion of a strange creature that needs to be studied because science. And you can’t have science fiction without horses on a beach. He tried to then give things complexity by shoving a whole bunch of random stuff in there: crystals, baguettes, large tiki heads, boobs, Sean Connery in a wedding dress, inflatables, balls, mirrors, random projections, sex education, inflatables… you get the picture. All of it served to muddy the whole message of the movie, which is that dying and sex are essential parts of the human experience, and that the Wizard of Oz is evil and must be destroyed.  Worst. Twist. Ever. It’s even got Shyamalan beat. 

Final Thoughts: The movie tried to be edgy and weird and sexual and failed. But it was kind of interesting to see a movie in which the happy ending was that everybody died at the end. Oh. Sorry. (***SPOILER!!!***) I always do that too late. 3 out of 6 slices. Because inflatables are hard to ignore.

Planet of the Apes (1968)

Alternate US title:
“Monkey Planet”

Directed by: Franklin J. Schaffner

Written by: Michael Wilson, Rod Serling, Pierre Boule

Starring: Charlton Heston, Roddy MacDowell, Kim Hunter

Running Time: 1 hour, 52 minutes

Rating: G

Pre-Conceived Notions: It’s about a guy who finds himself in a world that is dominated by gorillas or some other large nonhuman ape creatures, and come to find out it’s our own planet! In the (not so) distant future! *Spoiler Alert!* Damn. I think I messed that up again. I’ll get better at it as we go along.

Why I Haven't Seen This Film: I haven’t seen a lot of ’60s films.

1 hour, 52 minutes later…: I didn’t expect this movie to be so short and to the point. My first impression was to be, uh, impressed with the premise of the whole movie revolving around Einstein’s theory of relativity. That was a nice touch. But at the beginning, didn’t Taylor say, “we’re making our way back to Earth.” Didn’t he know that’s where they were landing? And why did it take them over a year to land? 

The themes this movie dealt with were top-notch. It showed how sticking to traditions and old ways of thinking can really put a stop to advancement of society. That point kept getting hammered home with Dr. Zaius talking about the scrolls, and the the forbidden area being forbidden because the scrolls say they are forbidden. I liken it to the controversy surrounding stem cell research with Bush putting a kibosh on it because it went against his faith, meanwhile Israel—who is lightyears better at separating Church and State than we are—went ahead with their research and gained a lot of ground with it. Look up “Christopher Reeve in Israel” and there’ll be a couple of videos that pop up on that topic.

The make-up was awesome, but it made it so that Cornelius and Zira didn’t kiss each other so much as they bumped latex lips together. It was like watching a really bizarre incarnation of bumper cars. But I guess if they did try to actually kiss, they would have suffocated themselves after 10 seconds. 

Final Thoughts: 5 out of 6 slices of pizza. I loved the Serling ending to this movie that this was Earth all along, even though we knew that from almost the first frame of the film. Charlton Heston wielded his weapon like any future NRA president worth his salt. And he had the flu through much of the filming. So, hats off to him!