The Piano (1993)

Australian working title:
“The Black Keys”

Directed & Written by: Jane Campion

Starring: Holly Hunter, Harvey Keitel, Sam Neill

Running Time: 2 hours

Rating: R

Pre-Conceived Notions: This is the movie for which Anna Paquin set a record for the youngest winner of the Best Supporting Actress Oscar. All that really comes to mind about this film is that they carry a piano across an ocean? Maybe? And Holly Hunter’s mute, which makes sense, because her southern accent wouldn’t jive in the time period or location where this movie is set. I think Holly Hunter is great, but has she ever played anyone who spoke that wasn’t southern?

Why I Haven't Seen This Film: The title is really boring. The Piano. Doesn’t really say, “Go out and see this film!”, does it? No, it does not.

2 hours later…: He chopped her finger off! Her only solace and means of expression was that piano and he chopped her finger clean off! That was pretty much the only excitement that whole entire movie.  Except during the theatre scene when one of the natives thought all those women were actually beheaded and stormed the stage. That was pretty funny. The rest was a yawnfest. Seriously. It moved really slowly. 

But there are a couple things I’d like to say about Holly Hunter. To do a role without speaking a word is not an easy achievement. You really have to rely on so many other things to get your intentions across. But I guess that kind of part is an actor’s dream because there are no lines to memorize. Also, she did all of that piano playing herself! She had to have been a classically trained pianist beforehand. I mean, woah. She blew me away. I loved that they included it in the credits, too. Her Wikipedia article doesn’t say anything about being a trained pianist. I guess when you don’t have very many lines to learn, you learn the piano. 

What was with the nudity? I guess it was there to add realism, but I could have done without seeing Keitel’s Little Soldier. Although, it wasn’t as traumatizing as that scene where Sam Neill chopped her finger off. In front of her child! Dude! Seriously? There are plenty of fish in the sea. And now you have absolutely no chance with her because chopping someone’s finger off is probably the opposite of romantic. Call me crazy, but there ya go.

Final Thoughts: 3.5 out 6 slices of pizza. The cinematography was great. The acting was good, although I’m not sure why Anna Paquin actually won the Oscar for this. But the story just crept along. And the landscape with all that mud and stuff was kind of depressing. 

Memento (2000)

Turkish title:
“Teleprompter”

Directed by: Christopher Nolan

Written by: Christopher & Jonathan Nolan

Starring: Guy Pearce, Carrie-Ann Moss, Joe Pantoliano

Running Time: 1 hour, 53 minutes

Rating: R

Pre-Conceived Notions: Memento is one of those movies that has been around forever, and that I keep hearing a lot about. I’m actually really excited about watching it because it deals with chronological order, and messes time up and makes you think really hard about stuff. Those are the kinds of movies that I watch. I just posted that I was going to see this movie on Facebook, and one of my friends called it a “cinematographic lobotomy.” Whatever that’s supposed to mean. I guess I’m going to find out really soon.

Why I Haven't Seen This Film: At the time those really upbeat Mentos commercials were on the TV all the time, and Memento and ‘Mentos’ sound too much alike, so I didn’t go see it. Yeah. That’s exactly what happened. If you don’t believe me, I will submit to a polygraph. Don’t think I won’t do it, ’cause I will. 

1 hour, 53 minutes later…: Wow! That was like watching a Harold Pinter play. For those of you not in the know, Harold Pinter wrote a play where the scenes are backwards, so the surprise ending is actually the surprise beginning. Pretty cool, huh? Seinfeld did this as an hommage to Pinter in the episode where Elaine goes to India to get married? I think that was the plot? Anyway. I love it when people turn convention on its head like that. 

I have a confession to make. I’m a reader. I read Wikipedia articles and blogs about movies and stuff in order to quench my thirst for knowledge. I read in an article that the black and white scenes are in chronological order, and the color scenes are in reverse chronological order. That one simple thing really helped me follow the plot of the movie. In fact, it was such a no-brainer, I’m surprised people don’t pick up on that the first time they watch it. This whole technique is ingenious, because how do you write a movie from the point of view of a person with no short-term memory? You tell it backwards, of course! 

The only gripe I have about the plausibility of the plot is that when you have a short-term memory disorder, you kinda don’t remember you have a short-term memory disorder. There are real-life cases where people have memories as short as 7 seconds. It’s like they are trapped inside their heads, because they don’t have any recollection of the past, and they can’t look to the future, because they are locked in the present. Take a look at this video, and you’ll see what I mean.

Final Thoughts: 5.5 slices out of 6. The story telling was top-notch, and I’m kind of exhausted from trying to keep the plot in my head from all the scenes that happened before, but really happened after. Your brain is not designed for backwards things. I absolutely loved this movie. So why did I take a half a slice away? Well, YOU’RE NOT SUPPOSED TO SHAKE A POLAROID PICTURE! I don’t care what that song says. The good folks at Polaroid point out that shaking a picture in order to develop it faster destroys the picture quality. Someone really should have told Leonard that. 

The Boondock Saints (1999)

French title:
“The Angels of Boston”

Directed & Written by: Troy Duffy

Starring: Willem Dafoe, Sean Patrick Flannery, Norman Reedus

Running Time: 1 hour, 48 minutes

Rating:  R

Pre-Conceived Notions: This is another film that I’ve heard a lot about. A ton of my friends have always told me that I should go out to see this film. In my mind, I picture it to be kind of like Blade Runner, but Rotten Tomatoes says that it’s basically a movie trying really hard to be a Tarantino movie. I really see nothing wrong with that. Tarantino is a ground-breaking director who imitates and pays hommages to everyone. I’m anxious to see if this movie does “Tarantino” well, or if it misses the mark. 

Why I Haven't Seen This Film: Had to pick up some shirts at the dry cleaners. It was a long wait. 

1 hour, 48 minutes later…: I have to write this fast before my laptop battery dies. I loved this movie. It’s not often that you see a cop movie where you’re actually rooting for the good guys and the bad guys. Well, I guess in this case both Willem Dafoe and the Saints are the good guys, but that’s even rarer in a movie. 

I knew Bob Marley (the comedian, not the originator of reggae) was in this film but I thought he just had a cameo. His part was pretty huge. And I love it that they used actors from New England to be in this film to do the New English accents, because it seems like nobody outside of New England can pull it off. It either comes out Australian or Scottish, or I don’t know what. Our regional accent is much more complicated than just replacing all of the Rs with “AH”s. If you want a New English accent done right, you hire a New Englishman. End of story. 

What else? Oh, yes. All the critics seem to compare this movie with a Tarantino movie because of all the violence and gore and stuff. Well I am going to say that I liked this better than any Tarantino movie I’ve seen. The blood was not over the top or cartoonish. And it jived with the plot and the overall drive of the movie. Not once did I have a WTF moment watching this film. I have at least 5 of them whenever I watch any of Q’s stuff.

Final Thoughts: 6 out of 6. The movie moved right along; the plot was interesting and original, and I give it extra points for the exploding cat. That really made my night.

Party Monster (2003)

Party Monster (2003)

Directed & Written by: Fenton Bailey, Randy Barbado

Starring: Macaulay Culkin, Seth Green, Chloë Sevigny

Running Time: 1 hour, 37 minutes

Rating: R

Pre-Conceived Notions: There are fundamental, undeniable truths out there that are so rock solid no one can argue with them: The earth rotates around the sun. There are 12 months in the Julian calendar. Water is made up of two parts hydrogen to one part oxygen. And, of course, Macaulay Culkin can’t act. Some child actors out there start out as bright-eyed kids who can’t act but then blossom into some of the best adult actors of our times. Jodie Foster comes to mind. Macaulay Culkin is not one of those people. I’m only going by the trailer for this one, but I’m really hoping the other talent around him (Seth Green, Chloë Sevigny) lifts up his performance and makes it suck less. 

Why I Haven't Seen This Film: This isn’t really a mainstream movie, and the chances that I’ve seen a movie like that are slim to none.  Unless one of my friends are in it. Then I’ve probably seen it.

1 hour 37 minutes later…: I was really hoping this would be a lot like The Gift, not by way of the plot or anything like that, but by way of good actors bringing a terrible actor’s performance up so much that the actor’s performance isn’t that sucky anymore. Reeves is surrounded by tremendous actors—Cate Blanchett, Giovanni Ribisi, Hilary Swank—actors who amaze me in every single movie they’re in. So it just makes sense that Keanu is going to deliver a passable performance. That’s what I was hoping for with Culkin. Nope. Didn’t happen. 

I think he did this movie to run away from his Kevin McCallister persona, a lot like what Miley Cyrus is doing now. It’s not a very easy transition between sweet, wholesome kid actor to respected, legitimate adult actor. But rarely is that transition made by overdoing the drugs and the sex. And if such a transition includes a role with sex and drugs, it is successful because the person can act to begin with. What was that voice he was doing throughout the movie? He delivered every line with the same inflection. It was really painful to watch.

As far as the story is concerned, I actually remember these guys. I remember them being on Geraldo and Donahue and Sally, and how they scandalized the country with their no holds barred lifestyle. I don’t know why people get so scandalized. The same thing that happened with Club 54 is the same thing that happened here. Excessive decadence, debauchery, and ego lead straight into a death spiral with no way out. 

Final Thoughts: 4 out of 6 slices of pizza. Excellent pacing, visuals, music, etc. save the film from Culkin’s cryogenic performance. The themes of drugs, sex and excess are timeless in their ubiquity, so I think this film is going to hold up after another 15 years. 

Planet of the Apes (1968)

Alternate US title:
“Monkey Planet”

Directed by: Franklin J. Schaffner

Written by: Michael Wilson, Rod Serling, Pierre Boule

Starring: Charlton Heston, Roddy MacDowell, Kim Hunter

Running Time: 1 hour, 52 minutes

Rating: G

Pre-Conceived Notions: It’s about a guy who finds himself in a world that is dominated by gorillas or some other large nonhuman ape creatures, and come to find out it’s our own planet! In the (not so) distant future! *Spoiler Alert!* Damn. I think I messed that up again. I’ll get better at it as we go along.

Why I Haven't Seen This Film: I haven’t seen a lot of ’60s films.

1 hour, 52 minutes later…: I didn’t expect this movie to be so short and to the point. My first impression was to be, uh, impressed with the premise of the whole movie revolving around Einstein’s theory of relativity. That was a nice touch. But at the beginning, didn’t Taylor say, “we’re making our way back to Earth.” Didn’t he know that’s where they were landing? And why did it take them over a year to land? 

The themes this movie dealt with were top-notch. It showed how sticking to traditions and old ways of thinking can really put a stop to advancement of society. That point kept getting hammered home with Dr. Zaius talking about the scrolls, and the the forbidden area being forbidden because the scrolls say they are forbidden. I liken it to the controversy surrounding stem cell research with Bush putting a kibosh on it because it went against his faith, meanwhile Israel—who is lightyears better at separating Church and State than we are—went ahead with their research and gained a lot of ground with it. Look up “Christopher Reeve in Israel” and there’ll be a couple of videos that pop up on that topic.

The make-up was awesome, but it made it so that Cornelius and Zira didn’t kiss each other so much as they bumped latex lips together. It was like watching a really bizarre incarnation of bumper cars. But I guess if they did try to actually kiss, they would have suffocated themselves after 10 seconds. 

Final Thoughts: 5 out of 6 slices of pizza. I loved the Serling ending to this movie that this was Earth all along, even though we knew that from almost the first frame of the film. Charlton Heston wielded his weapon like any future NRA president worth his salt. And he had the flu through much of the filming. So, hats off to him!