Deadpool (2016)

Directed by:  Tim Miller

Written by:  Rhett Reese, Paul Wernick

Starring: Ryan Reynolds, Morena Baccarin, Ed Skrein

Running Time: 1 hour, 40 minutes

Rating: R

Pre-Conceived Notions: I try to pride myself on being a pop culture nerd, but I fail really hardcore sometimes. Like I think I’ve always heard people talk about Deadpool, but I had no idea who he was, or really even what he was. And then I heard more about him, and the fact that he breaks the 4th wall and actually is conscious of the fact that he’s in a comic book? That’s so meta and weird that I don’t know why I wasn’t aware of him earlier. And apparently the movie follows suit with Deadpool making cracks about Ryan Reynolds. I wonder if there will be any mention of Two Guys, a Girl and a Pizza Place. I loved that show!

Bit-O-Trivia from the IMDb page: “During a talk at Google, Ryan Reynolds revealed that the taxi driver ‘Dopinder’ was named after a ‘really cool guy’ he knew in elementary school, who died when he was hit by lightening. It was meant to be a tribute to him.” 

1 hour, 40 minutes later…: Let me begin by saying that I believe that one of a film’s goals is to tell a story. A complete story, even if it’s based off a comic book that a lot of people are fans of—especially if it’s based off a comic book a lot of people are fans of. A film should not just cater to the die hard fans of said comic book character, it should take people who are comic book virgins, wine them, dine them, show them a good time. Maybe buy them a drink. Spoon a little, and then tell a complete goddamn story. 

As a 100% Deadpool newbie, I have to say I was completely lost. None of the characters were flashed out for me. Who was the humongous silver Russian dude? Why is he even friends with Deadpool? And what about that chick with him that Deadpool kept making Sinéad comments at? What was her deal? 

I’m going to write another paragraph that are full of questions. Are you ready? What was Ajax/Francis’ motive for tricking people into become torture victims? Why does a deprivation of oxygen mutate and disfigure people? Why was he so sensitive about Wade divulging his identity? Who was Ajax/Francis’ assistant and why is she so much stronger than Silver Russian Dude? 

So many questions left unsatisfactorily hanging out there. Maybe people who have read Deadpool for years know what the movie is talking about, but I was just lost. I was laughing my head off at the one-liners and pop culture references that were being fired off, but I was just floating in a sea of plot waiting for someone to throw a freakin’ lifesaver. 

Final Thoughts: 4 out of 6 slices of pizza. Speaking of pizza, does anyone know what happened to the other guy from 2 Guys…? He was pretty funny, too.  

The Exorcist (1973)

Turkish title:
Satan

Director: William Friedkin

Starring: Ellen Burstyn, Linda Blair, Max von Sydow

Running Time: 2 hours, 2 minutes

Rating: R

Pre-Conceived Notions: Pre-conceived notions about The Exorcist? I am scared shitless to sit down and watch it because I heard so many fantastical things about how creepy it is. It’s so creepy in fact that the physical film itself was thought to be possessed by a demon. Have you seen the IMDb trivia page to this? Friedkin put his actors through hell. Poor Ellen Burstyn suffered a back injury when they yanked her harness really hard during one of the scenes. And Mercedes McCambridge had to do all sorts of crazy things to perform the part of Pazuzu. She swallowed raw eggs and smoked like one of those machines that smoke 20 cigarettes all at once. But the awful part is that she wasn’t in the final credits. Friedkin was kind of a jerk. Not gonna lie. Back on track: I’m really excited to see how this holds up after 41 years. Part of me hopes it does, and part of me doesn’t so I am not actually scared shitless. These are new pants.

Why I Haven't Seen This Film: It’s The Exorcist. 

Bit-O-Trivia from the IMDb page: “This is Warner Brothers’ highest grossing film of all time when adjusted for inflation.”

2 hours, 2 minutes later…: A couple things before we get into the meat and potatoes of the movie. 1) I really wish they had developed the plot more. It seemed like there were key scenes missing. Like, okay. One minute Regan is a normal 12-year-old girl, then she goes up to bed, and KAPOW! She’s possessed and urinating on the carpet. I mean, come on! Can you build up the suspense just a little bit more? 2) I would really liked to have seen a scene where Burke flies through the window. We get nothing of that. The character of Burke is dead all of a sudden, Ellen Burstyn has an overreaction, and we’re left sitting there thinking, “Who the hell is Burke?” 3) The way the whole exorcism is dealt with. Father Karras keeps saying, “It’s going to take an awful lot of evidence to get an exorcism approved,” and then he gets all this evidence, and he tells Chris that he really doesn’t have a lot of evidence. Cut to he’s meeting the monsignor, cut to the monk delivery service in the woods, cut to they’re doing the exorcism. What? Why mention the difficulty of getting approved when you’re not going to spend a lot of time on it in the film? Maybe all these scenes I’m mentioning were cut and they’re on the DVD. All I can say is that it made for a very choppy film.

The one thing I came away with from this movie was thank the universe I was not alive during the early 70s. Were all those medical procedures authentic? The arteriogram shit that was going on there? Dude. And whatever that other thing was? Double dude. And my hats off to Linda Blair. What she had to go through to make the film was incredible. 75% of her screen time was her tied to a bed in the middle of a refrigerated bedroom set, 25% was her having to go through that freaky-deaky medical stuff, and the remaining 15% was of her being a regular kid.

There were some comedic parts thrown in there, too. Like when Chris MacNeil asks her nanny at the end of the film, “Are you sure you don’t want to stay with us?” Are you freaking kidding me? Your daughter just went through an exorcism during the course of which 2 priests died (**Spoiler!!**), shit was flying around her room, and freaky stuff happened 24/7. No. She doesn’t want to remain in your employ, you freak of a woman, you.

Final Thoughts: The movie wasn’t as scary as I thought it was going to be, but I can say with certainty that if I had been a moviegoer in 1973, I’d be scared of split-pea soup for the rest of my life. The sound design was magnificent, and for the time in which it was made, it’s a very impressive bit of cinema. But unfortunately it doesn’t hold up very well. 4 out of 6 slices of pizza.

Party Monster (2003)

Party Monster (2003)

Directed & Written by: Fenton Bailey, Randy Barbado

Starring: Macaulay Culkin, Seth Green, Chloë Sevigny

Running Time: 1 hour, 37 minutes

Rating: R

Pre-Conceived Notions: There are fundamental, undeniable truths out there that are so rock solid no one can argue with them: The earth rotates around the sun. There are 12 months in the Julian calendar. Water is made up of two parts hydrogen to one part oxygen. And, of course, Macaulay Culkin can’t act. Some child actors out there start out as bright-eyed kids who can’t act but then blossom into some of the best adult actors of our times. Jodie Foster comes to mind. Macaulay Culkin is not one of those people. I’m only going by the trailer for this one, but I’m really hoping the other talent around him (Seth Green, Chloë Sevigny) lifts up his performance and makes it suck less. 

Why I Haven't Seen This Film: This isn’t really a mainstream movie, and the chances that I’ve seen a movie like that are slim to none.  Unless one of my friends are in it. Then I’ve probably seen it.

1 hour 37 minutes later…: I was really hoping this would be a lot like The Gift, not by way of the plot or anything like that, but by way of good actors bringing a terrible actor’s performance up so much that the actor’s performance isn’t that sucky anymore. Reeves is surrounded by tremendous actors—Cate Blanchett, Giovanni Ribisi, Hilary Swank—actors who amaze me in every single movie they’re in. So it just makes sense that Keanu is going to deliver a passable performance. That’s what I was hoping for with Culkin. Nope. Didn’t happen. 

I think he did this movie to run away from his Kevin McCallister persona, a lot like what Miley Cyrus is doing now. It’s not a very easy transition between sweet, wholesome kid actor to respected, legitimate adult actor. But rarely is that transition made by overdoing the drugs and the sex. And if such a transition includes a role with sex and drugs, it is successful because the person can act to begin with. What was that voice he was doing throughout the movie? He delivered every line with the same inflection. It was really painful to watch.

As far as the story is concerned, I actually remember these guys. I remember them being on Geraldo and Donahue and Sally, and how they scandalized the country with their no holds barred lifestyle. I don’t know why people get so scandalized. The same thing that happened with Club 54 is the same thing that happened here. Excessive decadence, debauchery, and ego lead straight into a death spiral with no way out. 

Final Thoughts: 4 out of 6 slices of pizza. Excellent pacing, visuals, music, etc. save the film from Culkin’s cryogenic performance. The themes of drugs, sex and excess are timeless in their ubiquity, so I think this film is going to hold up after another 15 years. 

Chitty Chitty Bang Bang (1968)

Portuguese title:
“The Magic Jalopy”

Directed by: Ken Hughes

Written by: Roald Dahl, Ian Fleming, Ken Hughes

Starring: Dick Van Dyke, Sally Ann Howes, Lionel Jeffries

Running Time: 2 hours, 25 minutes

Rating: G

Pre-Conceived Notions: Whenever I see this movie in my mind, I always picture a three-way hybrid between Mary Poppins, the Wizard of Oz, and Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory. And then my mind goes to the child catcher which I think I first saw in a Cracked article about really creepy scenes in kid’s movies. But I need some whimsey in my life after the last movie I saw, so bring on that child catcher! Bit o’ Trivia: Chitty Chitty Bang Bang was used as the theme song on the first Wheel of Fortune pilot way back in 1973. The show was called Shopper’s Bazaar, and played more like a hospital drama than a game show. 

Why I Haven't Seen This Film: There was a moratorium on whimsey in my house for much of the ’80s. I don’t know why. I was so glad when the ’90s came along. A ten-year lack of whimsey is tough on a person, I don’t care who you are.

2 hours, 25 minutes later…: What a strange little movie that was. I think I was right with my hybrid assessment. You had all the pomp and circumstance of Wizard of Oz’s Munchkinland with all the soldiers and stuff, Mary Poppins with people flying around, and Willy Wonka with the whole candy factory theme, and creepy stuff. Yes, no chickens were decapitated during the course of the movie, but the child catcher scene was kind of disturbing. Roald Dahl was a little too obsessed with two things: candy factories and creepy things happening to children. 

And where did Dick Van Dyke’s character come from, anyway? Why is he the only person in the film with an American accent? There is a disorder out there where people have a stroke and they make a full recovery except for one very peculiar thing: for the rest of their lives, they speak in a foreign accent. I think it’s called Foreign Accent Syndrome. NPR did a story on it a while back. That must be what happened to our friend, the inventor. That’s the only thing that fits.

So, kids, what did this little fantastical fairy tale of a movie teach us? Well, it taught us that if you kiss someone, you have to marry them, no ifs, ands or buts. Also, don’t trust strange men with big noses when they try to lure you into their steel cages with the promise of ice cream. And finally, only rich people can marry rich people. That’s the way it’s been since Time Immemorial. 

Final Thoughts: 4 out of 6 slices of pizza. It was great seeing Benny Hill out of his natural habitat of chasing scantily clad British bombshells around a soundstage all sped up with Yackety Sax playing in the background. The music was forgettable, but the story was fun and I think children of all ages would still enjoy this even today. 

Caddyshack (1980)

Chinese title:
“Crazy Golf”

Directed by: Harold Ramis

Written by: Brian Doyle-Murray, Harold Ramis, Douglas Kenney

Starring: Chevy Chase, Rodney Dangerfield, Bill Murray

Running Time: 1 hour, 38 minutes

Rating: R

Pre-Conceived Notions: Caddyshack is one of those films that has firmly embedded itself in American pop culture. If I had a quarter for every time someone started quoting Bill Murray’s speech where he’s practicing his golf swing on the chrysanthemums at me, I’d almost have a dollar. For a lot of my friends who appreciate American comedy, this ranks as one of their favorites, and I can’t wait to see where it lands on my list of comedy flicks. Bill Murray stars in my all-time favorite movie, Groundhog Day, so I’m very encouraged.

Why I Haven't Seen This Film: Never really had the opportunity to watch it. I think I put it on my Netflix queue a couple of times, but it was so far down my list of 300 films that my debit card would expire, and I’d be too lazy to enter my new card number on the website, and would let my membership lapse before I could get to see it. 

1 hour, 38 minutes later…: That was a very, um… interesting film. There were a lot of elements I have never seen in a movie: You’ve got the Baby Ruth in the pool scene, you’ve got the killer runaway yacht scene, you’ve got the old people that can’t hit the ball more than three feet, and most importantly, you’ve got the literate gopher scene. I mean, that gopher has to be the smartest gopher in movie history. Not only could he read the “EXPLOSIVES" label on the crate, but he knew what they were and understood his grim fate. I can understand why Bill Murray wanted to blow him up. His job was in jeopardy! But the scene that made me laugh out loud was the scene where the people at the pool party started to do an Esther Williams-esque choreographed routine in the pool. I’m still chuckling about that one. 

With a cast that includes Rodney Dangerfield, Ted Knight, Chevy Chase and Bill Murray, this movie was destined for greatness. An interesting bit of trivia: Michael O’Keefe, who plays Danny, was married to Bonnie Raitt for a period of time in the ’90s, and played Jackie’s husband, Fred, for a number of seasons on Roseanne. It was a total shocker to see him in there. Another interesting bit of trivia: this movie marks the only time Chevy Chase and Bill Murray ever shared a scene together. They had been feuding ever since Bill Murray replaced Chevy Chase on Saturday Night Live, and did not get along with each other. 

The movie was kind of all over the place, plot-wise. I mean, Danny’s main story was that he wanted to get a scholarship to go to college and then after sufficiently sucking up to the judge and head honcho of the club to get the caddy scholarship, he blows it when he plays against the judge in the game at the end. The judge asks him if he wants the scholarship, and Danny’s reply was, “I guess I don’t.” Umm… okay. 

Final Thoughts: 4 out of 6 slices of pizza. With memorable scenes stacked one on top of the other, Bill Murray’s antics, and all of the stuff that can go wrong at a golf course going wrong, I can see why this is an American classic.

Reservoir Dogs (1992)

Swedish title:
“The Ruthless”

Written & Directed by: Quentin Tarantino

Starring: Harvey Keitel, Tim Roth, Michael Madsen

Running Time: 1 hour, 39 minutes

Rating: R

Pre-conceived Notions: I know what you’re shouting at your computer right now. I can hear it through my monitor: “You’ve never seen Reservoir Dogs? Are you kidding me right now?” Nope. I don’t kid. Okay, I do kid, but I only not kid when it is interesting to not kid. And this time, I’m not kidding. Reservoir is Tarantino’s film debut, and so it’ll be very interesting to see how it is. I’ve heard a lot about it, and about the Tarantino Canon in general. Rumor has it Michael Madsen’s character in this film and John Travolta’s character in Pulp Fiction are brothers, because every Tarantino film belongs to the same universe. Okay. Sure. They kinda look alike if you squint and huff stuff for a sufficient amount of time. But if all the films in the canon are a part of the same universe, is Tim Roth’s character the same guy who holds up the café in Pulp Fiction? Makes you think, don’t it? (Actually, I’m sure the answer is out there somewhere, but I’m just too lazy to google it right now.) The only other thing I know about it is it’s got shades of Clue where everybody is known by a color. Because, Tarantino. 

Why I Haven't Seen This Film: I don’t know why I haven’t seen this movie. I’m getting really tired of this question, and it’s only Day 2 of the official project. I guess it’s because I have no clue what a reservoir dog is. Is it a dog that guards municipal drinking supplies? Is it a dog-shaped squirt gun? It’s probably some kind of drug slang. That’s what I’m going to go with for now.

1 hour, 39 minutes later…: I’m going to go out on a limb and make a suggestion: Reservoir Dogs the Musical. They’ve done it with Shrek, and Legally Blonde, and The Holy Grail. Why not with this? The whole movie reads like a stage play anyway with most of the action taking place in the warehouse. And then you’ve got the climactic ending. I’ve already come up with snappy song titles: I’ve Been Shot! I’ve Been Shot!, You Each Get a Color, and my personal favorite: I’m Going to Go All Mike Tyson on You and Then Light You on Fire. I’m a genius. I can’t help it.

Back to the meat and potatoes of the film. I really liked it, and I’m kind of sad at the way that I liked it. I didn’t like it from the point of view that someone from 1992 would have liked it, not having seen a Tarantino movie before and being blown away at what they saw on the screen. Rather, I liked it from someone who’s very familiar with the kind of movies Tarantino produces. Instead of repeatedly saying, “Wow, did he just do that?!”, I said, “Classic Tarantino.” I guess I’m just desensitized to Tarantonian (Tarantinonian?) blood and gore. Whoever Q’s fake blood supplier is, he is set for life! 

To wind this post down, here are a couple of observations: 

1.) I am totally on board with everything Mr. Pink says about tipping. I’ll always tip 20%, but isn’t it kind of sad that restaurants in the US can’t pay their wait staff a living wage so they don’t have to depend on the whim of Joe Q. Public to be decent enough to tip so they can live? Waitpersons in the Netherlands not only get paid a living wage, but they also get benefits. Think about that. 

And, 2.) How did Buscemi come to play the most level-headed character in the movie? He’s kind of a twit, but he’s pretty much got everything figured out. It was very refreshing to see him in such a role.

Final Thoughts: I’m going to give this movie 4 out of 5 slices of pizza. There was plenty of action, high body count, and a heaping wheel barrowful of that trademark Tarantino dialogue, but I still don’t know what a reservoir dog is. And that is a definite black mark against this film.