M*A*S*H (1970)

Turkish title:
“At the Front Entertainment”

Directed by: Robert Altman

Written by: Ring Lardner, Jr.

Starring: Elliott Gould, Donald Sutherland, Tom Skeritt, Sally Kellerman
Running Time: 1 hour, 56 minutes
Rating: R

Pre-Conceived Notions: The only real clip I’ve seen of this film is the shower prank scene, the one where a naked and wet Sally Kellerman runs out of the shower and screams. I have no context for the scene, but that’s the one scene that sticks out in my mind. And, being a child of the ’80s, I of course, am familiar with all the characters. It’ll be kind of weird to watch Donald Sutherland in the role of Hawkeye, but I’m sure my mind will gloss over it in time.

Why I Haven't Seen This Film: The TV series was more than enough to get my Korean war-centric sitcom fix as a child.
Bit-O-Trivia: Robert Altman’s son wrote the featured song in this movie entitled Suicide is Painless, which made him a millionaire within a year, and became the theme song to the television series later on.

1 hour, 56 minutes later…: First off, I want to comment on the helicopters in the opening montage. Is that how they used to transport soldiers in need of medical attention? On the outside of the helicopters? Weren’t they afraid of gusts of wind, or slippage if the copter were to pitch too severely? I wonder how many people were lost in wars by just falling off the side of a helicopter. If you’re bored, there’s something to google at home, folks!

Okay. This is a movie review, so I guess I should review the movie. I’m going to start off by saying that it’s kinda impossible to review the movie without comparing the film with the series, since the series was a major part of my childhood, so I’m just going to do that. It was very interesting to see what elements of the film crossed over in the series:

• The whole tone of the movie centering around the hijinks of Hawkeye, Trapper John, and Duke Forrest. The juxtaposition between the humor taking place outside of the OR and the gravity of things inside is probably the thing I remember most of the series, so it was nice to see the film had that same tone.
• The relationship between Hotlips and Frank Burns. I had never known how Margaret O’Houlihan got her nickname, so it was definitely an eyeopener for me. And a great question for Dirty Trivial Pursuit! Although, I was surprised that the Frank Burns character was much more villainous in the film than in the television show. In the television show, Frank Burns was just a character to be pitied, but in the movie, you really hated him. And the coup de grâce was seeing him driven off in a straightjacket by the military police.
• The announcements made over the loud speaker. I thought the bumbling PA announcer was the perfect touch, especially the one where he had a hard time pronouncing the medical terminology. I almost experienced a “femoral puh—, uh, puh— um…” myself watching that scene.

The one thing that bugged me about the movie was Hotlips’ arc. They drove her love interest to insanity, and then they disgraced her in the shower, and yet at the end of the movie, you see her cheering on the football team? She is portrayed to be a bit of an airhead, but even then, I’d think she’d ask for a transfer or something. But Sally Kellerman’s performance was pretty good. She played enraged humiliation perfectly, and totally deserved the Oscar nomination.

Side note: when Tom Skeritt first appeared on screen my initial reaction was, “Jack Nicholson was in M*A*S*H?” And then once the camera could get a close-up, I was like, “Oh. Right. The dude from Picket Fences.”

Final Thoughts: I really enjoyed watching this movie, just to see how they developed the television program from it. Even though it was like watching the alternate universe version of the show, the almost two-and-a-half-hour runtime flew by. 5 out of 6 slices of pizza.

The Englishman Who Went up a Hill But Came Down a Mountain (1995)

All-encompassing international
title: “The Englishman Who
Went up a Hill But Came Down
a Mountain”

Directed by: Christopher Monger

Written by: Ivor David Monger, Christopher Monger

Starring: Hugh Grant, Tara Fitzgerald, Colm Meaney

Running Time: 1 hour, 39 minutes

Rating: PG

Pre-Conceived Notions: Call me crazy, but I believe I am about to see the only movie in the history of moving pictures where a geographical feature gets its own story arc, so that’s exciting. Also, I hope the movie is more involved than the title suggests, and it’s not just Hugh Grant going up and down a pile of rocks jutting out of the earth, quipping charmingly and Britishly as he goes. I’m hoping I’m right about this one.

Why I Haven't Seen This Film: I was experiencing Hugh Grant burnout, as was everyone around me. And the title oversold it, I think.

1 hour, 39 minutes later…: This film should be renamed. The new title will be longer, but much more accurate. How about: The Englishman Who Went up a Hill, Came back Down, Pissed off an Entire Village, Played Checkers with a Lady in a Rainstorm, Went back up Said Hill with Said Lady and in Order to Get Her into Bed, Said “Close Enough, This is a Mountain,” and then Came Back Down Again. It’s very wordy, but I think it’ll catch on. 

All and all, this is a very quaint Welsh movie, full of the breathtaking views of the Welsh countryside, and a very interesting look at WWI-era Wales, back when PTSD was better known as, “Johnny doesn’t talk too much after he came back from France.” And apparently, all you have to do is either become a surveyor or put dirt on a mountain to rid yourself of it. If only it were that simple.

Enough of the snark. Let’s talk about Hugh Grant, who seems to be a one-trick pony. Is there any character he has played that isn’t an awkwardly charming posh English guy who stumbles into awkward relationships and then gets awkwardly married? I guess that’s why we haven’t seen a lot of him lately; there are only so many roles that fit his type to go around. 

Final Thoughts: 4.5 slices of pizza out of 6. This was a quaint little Welsh film that didn’t take itself too seriously, and for me it had a Babe-meets-The-Shire sort of feel to it, so I can’t be too hard on it.

Identity Thief (2013)

Italian title:
“I am You”

Directed by: Seth Gordon

Written by: Craig Mazin

Starring: Jason Bateman, Melissa McCarthy, Jon Favreau

Running Time: 1 hour, 52 minutes

Rating: R

Pre-Conceived Notions: I’ve got to admit something. All last year, I didn’t own a television, and for the most part, the only entertainment I had was podcasts. Yeah. I’m kind of a podcast junkie now. So I managed to pretty much avoid seeing a movie trailer for an entire year. I should deserve an award for something like that. So, I’m visiting my family, and the idea of watching a movie comes up. I say sure. They put this flick on that I had never heard of before. So, before I know it, I’m watching this movie without any pre-conceived notions whatsoever. True story. Hey. If I’m lyin’, I’m dyin’. 

Why I Haven't Seen This Film: Not ever hearing of its existence is a pretty good reason not to have seen a film. 

1 hour, 52 minutes later…: I’m going to state this for the record right now: Melissa McCarthy can do no wrong. She’s got comedy oozing out every pore of her body. She’s also a phenomenal actress, a trait which perfectly balances out the outrageous slapstick of her character. I took a peek at what the critics had to say over on Rotten Tomatoes, and saw that it had a 20% rating. 20%? Are you kidding me? Melissa McCarthy unfunny? That goes against the laws of physics, my friend. I’d love to know what movie they were watching, because it wasn’t this one. And Jason Bateman’s bread and butter is pretty much being a straight man. In the comedy sense of the word. Although, he married Paul Anka’s daughter, so he might have his bread buttered under both ‘straight man’ meanings. 

Final Thoughts: 6 out of 6 slices of pizza! I think it is deserved. Yeah, it was a formulaic road trip movie, but the quality of the writing and the acting combined cancelled all of that out. 

The Secret Life of Walter Mitty (2013)

Japanese title:
“Life!”

Directed by: Ben Stiller 

Written by: Steve Conrad

Starring: Ben Stiller, Kristen Wiig, Patton Oswalt

Running Time: 2 hours, 5 minutes

Rating: PG

Pre-Conceived Notions: In the short while I’ve known of this movie’s existence, I’ve heard it compared to Forrest Gump numerous times. I can see from whence such a comparison comes. The whole, “this is a movie where fantastical things happen to an everyman.” Okay. I know Forrest Gump wasn’t exactly an everyman, but you see where I’m going with this. Right away, I see that Gump and Mitty are approaching the same idea from two different angles: In Forrest Gump, Forrest is retelling what he has already lived through (i.e. he’s looking back), whereas Walter Mitty fantasizes about being the heroic tough-as-nails daredevil, and ends up actually making that happen (i.e. moving forward). I’m hoping I’ll be so ensconced in the movie that the 125 minutes I’ll be spending in the theater will seem a lot less than that.

Why I Haven't Seen This Film: Because I have just learned of its existence a week ago.

2 hours, 5 minutes later…: For being the inaugural outing to the theater this year, I’m going to put it out there that all the other movies I see at the theater this year are going to have a pretty tough time competing with this one. From the first frame to the last, you’re drawn right in. I was right when I said it about Black Swan a couple years back, and I’m going to say it again for Walter Mitty: I smell an Oscar coming on! Superb acting by Ben, Kristen Wiig does nervous sexual tension way too well, and Adam Scott plays asshole executive very authentically. 

Ben Stiller and other directors have an interesting challenge these days in how they choose to portray the internet in movies. It’s undeniable that the internet is playing a huge part in modern society, so how do you translate that into film language? Ben Stiller does a brilliant job at this. It’s organic; it’s real; it doesn’t disrupt the narrative. And I really love when he’s in either Iceland or the Himalayas—I can’t remember which—when he gets a text from his worker buddy, and the rocks fall down the mountain and spell out the text he’s reading. Pure genius. And I’m not just saying that because I’m a typography nerd. Okay, maybe I am. Just a little bit.

Final Thoughts: 5.5 out of 6 slices of pizza. I’m going to have to take style points away because they spelled ‘Eyjafjallajökull’ wrong on the itinerary. I’m sorry. I know. It’s splitting hairs. But it’s a very simple Icelandic word! On second thought, they made up for it again at the end where they spelled it right, so I guess I can give that half-slice back to them. But, for the record, I’m doing it begrudgingly.  

A Fish Called Wanda (1988)

French Canadian title:
“An Angel Called Wanda”

Written and Directed by: John Cleese & Charles Crichton

Starring: John Cleese, Jamie Lee Curtis, Kevin Kline

Running Time: 1 hour, 38 minutes

Rating: R

Pre-Conceived Notions: This movie has always been something I have heard a lot about, because it seems to be on a lot of lists of the best comedies ever. I mean, why wouldn’t it be? It’s written by a Python, and it’s got Jamie Lee Curtis in it. That’s really an unbeatable combination right there. But what I am most looking forward to is the performance by the title fish. A little birdie told me she was scooped up out of a pet store fish tank within minutes of shooting all of her scenes. The casting department really lucked out on that one.

Why I Haven't Seen This Film: Whenever I wanted to see any ol’ movie, ‘Fish’ never was in the back of my mind to see. There were no A Fish Called Wanda viewing parties in college, and I guess I just tucked it away in my ‘iconically classic movies that I want to see but I’ll never check out unless I make myself do an insane movie-a-day project of the movies I’ve never seen but probably should’ file. This is a large file, which you soon shall see.

Trivia: Otto says, “Don’t call me stupid.” 5 times during the course of the film.

1 hour, 38 minutes later… The rule of thumb is, when there’s hype that surrounds a film, you believe the hype. It was a great film that didn’t leave me bored, between the love triangle between Wanda, Otto, and Archie; the hit animal lover Ken had out on the old lady who could break the case wide open, and the overarching “where are the jewels?” plot. It was like a feature-length sitcom with an A, B, and C story line. Unlike Super Troopers, the humor respected the intelligence of the audience: “He thought the London Underground was a political movement!” But that’s a big reason why Python was so popular: it was all kinds of absurd and yet didn’t insult its audience. And one more thing: Jamie Lee has America pooping again, John Cleese and Michael Palin are in the middle of a possible Monty Python reunion, but where the heck is Kevin Kline nowadays? Isn’t he due for a comeback?

Final Thoughts: Snappy dialogue, rich, flawed characters and distinctly British humor make this a caper movie I’m definitely going to watch over and over again. This movie gets 5.5 slices of pizza. I have to take that last half-slice away for the slightly Wile E. Coyote ending. If you haven’t yet, stream or rent this movie!

Super Troopers (2001 or 2002)

Hungarian title:
Fucking Patrol

Director: Jay Chandrasekhar   
Written by: Black Lizard

Starring: Jay Chandrasekhar, Kevin Heffernan, Steve Lemme

Running Time: 1 hour, 43 minutes

Rating: R

Pre-Conceived Notions: My first impression from watching the trailer: Police Academy times 10. The film only gets a 35% at Rotten Tomatoes, and the little blurb underneath is as hilarious as the trailer:

“A more-miss-than-hit affair, Super Troopers will most likely appeal to those looking for something more silly.” 

You think? Are you sure the producers and the director of this movie weren’t going for something more deep? Like, were they aiming for the next Attica and totally missed the mark? If that’s the case, it has go down in the annals of Hollywood history as the most unintentionally hilarious failure. My suggestion would be for Broken Lizard to shoot for the next The English Patient. That would be off da chain!

Why I Haven't Seen This Film: This movie was kind of on my radar, but not really. I’ve had a lot of conversations wherein people have come up to me and said, “You should really see Super Troopers, man!” And after mentioning how cool it was that they made their voice go all italics like that, I’d always say, “It sounds like a really funny movie,” and completely forget about it. Until now.

Trivia: Netflix and Rotten Tomatoes have this movie released in 2002, whereas IMDb and Wikipedia say 2001.

1 hour, 43 minutes later… Wow… This is my first review on here, and already I have to eat crow. I can see what the critics meant by “A more-miss-than-hit.” To me, a good comedy is a mix of different things: there should be a blend of wit and gratuitous humor. People who know me may argue that I loved the Naked Gun series, and that was gratuitous humor. And they would be absolutely right. But Naked Gun, and the brilliance of Leslie Nielsen, took its humor and played it straight. There were no signs pointing to the jokes that said, “THESE ARE JOKES. PLEASE LAUGH.” The Zucker brothers had more confidence in the intelligence of their audience. Whereas this movie was the opposite. It was all in-your-face, brutal yet very simple comedy. It was like they were laughing at themselves as they were filming the movie. Comedy that is doubled over and laugh-wheezing at its own jokes falls flat. And then there was Lynda Carter thrown in there for good measure, because Wonder Woman cameo.

Final Thoughts: Maybe I was in the wrong frame of mind for this movie, but everything seemed really really forced. I thought I had an all-encompassing sense of humor, but apparently not. I give this movie 3.5 out of 8 slices of pizza. Good try with the comedy, guys, but I guess I’m too square to have enjoyed any of it.