The Fault in Our Stars (2014)

French title:
“Our Opposing Stars”

Directed by: Josh Boone

Written by: John Green, Michael H Weber, Josh Neustadter

Starring: Shailene Woodley, Ansel Elgort, Laura Dern

Running Time: 2 hours, 6 minutes

Rating: PG-13

Pre-Conceived Notions: I know what’s going to happen in the movie, because I just read the book. Unless it’s one of those movie where they say, ‘To heck with the plot! We’re going to make our own movie and have the same characters and have vague plot points here and there that resemble the plot of the actual book so we can yoink the recognizability of its title so we can become stinkin’ rich!” See: The Shining. Kubrick made made that movie his own to such an extent that not only did Stephen King hate it, but he “remade” the movie in the ‘90s. From what I heard, this isn’t the case with this movie, so I’ll just say that I already know what’s going to happen and just leave it at that.

Why I Haven't Seen This Film: John Green, the author himself, told me through my laptop on the Tube of You not to see the movie before I read the book, so I obliged.  

Bit-O-Trivia from the IMDb page: “Author John Green based the character Hazel was [sic] a young girl named of Esther Earl who was diagnosed with thyroid cancer. Green met her during a Harry Potter convention in 2009 noticing her carrying an oxygen tank. He came to like her because of some of the videos she put up on YouTube as well as her humor and openness. From the time they met to her death at the age of 16 in 2010, Green and Earl would exchange correspondence.”

2 hours, 6 minutes later…: I don’t know why I am going to sound apologetic about this, but I have to say that the book was better than the movie. There were scenes in the book that just tore your soul out and made you react viscerally to what was happening, and the movie just skimmed over those parts as if to say, “Yah. This happened. So what?”

Two examples stick out like Donatella Versace’s cheekbones (Have you seen pictures of her lately? Will someone let her know that she looks like Gollum? If I had spinach in my teeth and was completely oblivious to it, I’d want someone to tell me.): 

The scene where we learn Isaac and Monica have broken up. In the book, Issac isn’t merely teary-eyed, and lachrymose and all ‘it’s no big deal,’ about it. No. John Green uses the term ‘wailing’ throughout that chapter. It takes Isaac a long time to start talking, and when he does, it’s a huge cathartic scene of even more wailing and complete and utter rip-your-heart out sobbing while he’s smashing Gus’s trophies. Isaac in the book was devastated. I felt none of that in the film. 

And THEN… later on, they get to the egging scene, the impetus of which was completely glossed over. In the book, Hazel remarks how horrible it was of Monica to dump Isaac because she couldn’t handle him being blind, and Augustus with his sense of justice plans revenge. As the eggs smash against the car, you are cheering at the massive Schadenfreude you are experiencing in the book. In the movie, however, Monica just comes up in the conversation, and Hazel’s all, “That’s kind of shitty what she did to you.” Isaac kind of shrugs it off, and Augustus says, “Hazel Grace, ya got $4?” And egging ensues.

And then the filmmakers screw up the whole climax of the scene! In the book, Monica’s mother comes out and starts yelling at the kids, as any realistic mother should, and Augustus lays the smack down on her and basically says that Monica deserves this revenge and tells her to go back into the house. Which she does. And then you cheer.

In the film, they play it off as if it was comic relief. Monica’s mother comes out almost light-heartedly laughing at these kids egging her daughter’s car, and then Gus, out of the clear blue sky says his revenge spiel, and the mom kind of gets that beat of bemused confusion typical of the Vacation franchise. And she exits the frame with a, “kids will be kids” attitude. What? What?! 

But the second really disappointing part was the confrontation with van Houten, phoned in by Willem Dafoe. The scene in the book hits you like a freight train when Hazel’s idyllic expectations were smashed into a million tiny pieces. Van Houten’s cruelty was equally matched by Hazel’s bewilderment and disillusionment. In the film, Dafoe’s van Houten just sort of casually insults Hazel. And he doesn’t even bother even acting a little drunk, which is really odd because afterwards Hazel and Gus both keep referring to him as ‘the drunk.’ 

But hats off to Shailene Woodley. She matched Dafoe’s “I said my lines, now where’s my paycheck?” energy with equal amounts of brutal honesty and catharsis. It’s too bad that her “Go fuck yourself!” line at the end fell flat at the feet of Dafoe’s apathetic performance. She really did step up to the plate in this film and gave it all she had. I thought Ansel Elgort was miscast. He didn’t have half the charisma that Gus has in the book. 

And the whole Anne Frank House scene was kind of hilarious. It is discovered that van Houten’s assistant, Lidewij, set up the whole meeting with him and Hazel & Gus, and it blows up in her face. So, where does she send the girl who has to wear oxygen 24/7? A house with punishing stairs to climb! Hazel has to climb at least 4 flights of stairs, each one more grueling than the last, and there is Lidewij, almost enjoying the torture she’s inflicting on poor Hazel. 

And then H&G kiss randomly, and people clap randomly. The book dealt with this much better, too.

Final Thoughts: With the exception of Shailene Woodley, the movie completely missed the mark on casting, and could have been just as hard-hitting as the book was. It was a good try though, but I’m hoping when they remake this movie in another 20 years, they’ll finally get it right. 3/6 slices of pizza. (No tissues were harmed in the watching of this film.)

A Merry Friggin' Christmas (2014)

Russian title:
“A Fucking Christmas Miracle”

Directed by: Tristram Shapeero
Written by: Michael Brown
Starring: Joel McHale, Robin Williams, Candice Bergen
Rating: PG-13
Running Time: 1 hour, 28 minutes

Pre-Conceived Notions: Logging on to Rotten Tomatoes to yoink the poster for this site, I noticed that the critics panned this film, and the viewing audience agreed. Then to get the introductory elements ready for the post, the words, “Candice Bergen as Donna” made me cringe. There’s something about the name Donna sans last name that just screams “This is a bad movie! Ex-patriate now while it’s not too late!”. I didn’t even recognize her at all watching the trailer.

But it looks like this will be one of Robin Williams’ last movie roles, and for that reason I hope the movie is at least decent. With such a towering movie career behind him, I want him go to out with a triumph instead of a meh. Because that would make things even more tragic.

But with the weak premise, and the addition of the hobo Santa, I’m afraid Rotten Tomatoes and the viewing public may be right about this one.

Why I Haven't Seen This Film: Because it was released this month. And yet again, I didn’t know of its existence until 2 hours ago. That’s a good enough reason, I think.

Bit-O-Trivia from the IMDb page: This is Robin Williams’ first and only Christmas movie.

1 hour, 28 minutes later…: I’m not going to mince words, here, not only because it’s late and I need all the strength I can get holiday shopping tomorrow, but I really shouldn’t be trusted with knives. And my jokes are getting worse by the minute.

I didn’t hate this film. It was very low-budget, and the writing seemed to be more geared toward episodic formats, but, by and large, it wasn’t horrible. That being said, I didn’t absolutely love the film, either.

But I can’t put my finger on why I didn’t love the film. I think it was because the acting was half-hearted? I didn’t buy Robin Williams as the hard-hearted degenerate father, and I didn’t buy that Candice Bergen would stay with someone like that. And she didn’t even look like herself. She looked kinda old and matronly.

And even though the writing wasn’t horrible, it wasn’t super good, either. It was like the writer got the idea of writing this film after binge watching a whole bunch of Christmas movies and made a list. “Okay… it would be cool if we had a drunken hobo Santa. And what if one of the cousins was a champion speed eater? Oh! And then the grouchy dad could be a Port-a-John dealer! Yeah, that’s it, and then who doesn’t love an inept cop? And Bea Arthur paintings! And people falling out of attics. Oh, this is going to be good!” Rinse, repeat, put in blender, and dump into a screenplay. Boom. Movie.

If you didn’t take it too seriously, though, the movie served its purpose. I laughed. My mother and her partner laughed. It was what it was.

Final Thoughts: Despite trying really hard to be funny, the writing was like something out of a freshman screenwriting class. But grade-A actors took it and did what they could with it, and turned it into something quirky. But, with the right network behind it, and a team of script doctors smoothing out the rough edges, it could be a really cute show. Something like a Modern Family. 3 out of 6 slices of pizza that you forgot to put in the fridge, but it still tastes good in the morning, so you eat it anyway.

Big Fish (2003)

Lithuanian title:
My Fish Life

Director: Tim Burton
Written by: John August

Starring: Ewan MacGregor, Albert Finney, Billy Crudup

Running Time: 2 hours, 5 minutes

Rating: PG-13

Pre-Conceived Notions: From the trailer, I get whimsey. And Danny DeVito with weird hair. And then more whimsey. From what I gather from my friends, it’s a pretty spectacular film. Like, people cry and stuff. I’m not sure if it’s a sob, or one of those cries where your diaphragm spasms and you’re all snotty and shit, but I have a box of Puffs Plus handy just in case, because even OnStar commercials have made me cry in the past, so…

Why I Haven’t Seen This Film: I have no good answer for this, so I’m going to say that up until recently I had an irrational fear of movies that mention sea creatures in their titles, and “fish” is a huge umbrella for sea creatures in general. So, I spent tons of money and got therapy and now I’m cured and can cry into my Puffs Plus with abandon*.

2 hours, 5 minutes later…: This is the movie where the guy who does the priceless MasterCard commercials is sick and tired of his father, Daddy Warbucks, telling the same old fantastical stories about when he used to look like the younger Obi-Wan Kenobi. But I’m not sure why, I mean, I love people who can tell a really good story, no matter how embellished they are. But this movie dealt with a lot more than just tall tales and mind-bending adventure. It really looks at how much our identities are link with the people who came before us. We are how our parents met, and what experiences they had before we had us. We are as much them as we will be to our own children. For several millennia now, our identities are kind of like cotton, i.e. the fabric of our lives.

Like all other Tim Burton movies, this one is loaded to the brim with rich imagery and larger-than-life storytelling. Helena Bonham Carter, a.k.a. Mrs. Burton plays 3 characters that kind of hints at being one character? But maybe I won’t spoil that part for you. It was a little weird. But it is interesting, because she is the only person to have played both the older version and the younger version of herself amongst characters who had both younger and older versions of themselves, apart from her as a little girl. So she’s the connection between the past and the future.

One of my favorite parts of the movie was seeing 7'4" Matthew McGrory tower over 5' Danny DeVito. It was like a Burtonesque replay of a blenderized version of Gulliver’s Travels. One of my least favorite parts of the movie was seeing Danny DeVito’s naked behind. As I was eating lunch. So, if you haven’t seen this movie, don’t watch it while you’re eating lunch.

Final Thoughts: 5 out of 6 slices of pizza. This movie is like a modern-day Alice in Wonderland with hints of Forrest Gump, and is a perfect way to escape the reality of life for a while. Oh, and in case you’re wondering, I didn’t cry. THey tried to pull at my heartstrings at the end there, but alas, it wasn’t meant to be.

*I'm getting no remuneration for mentioning Puffs Plus twi— uh, three times, in this post.

Les Misérables (2012)

Les Misérables (2012)

Réalisateur : Tom Hooper

Scénaristes : Claude-Michel Schonberg, Alain Boubil

Avec : Hugh Jackman, Anne Hathaway, Russel Crowe

Duration : 1 heure, 38 minutes

Classification : PG-13

Notions préconçues : Je vais dans très peu de temps aliéner tous les amis avec qui j’ai étudié à l’université en disant que je n’ai jamais vu de ma vie ni une production, ni un film des Misérables. Le livre de Victor Hugo dont le film s’inspire est gigantesque, et bien que j’aie essayé de le lire plusieurs fois, je n’arrive à lire que le premier chapitre.  Tout ce que je sais, c’est que j’ai pas mal d’amis qui en connaissent toutes les paroles de toutes les chansons et qu’ils ont créé une liste mentale de chaque production qu’ils ont vue et les a classées selon les mérites de chacune. Donc, je n’ai aucune idée de ce que je vais observer.

La raison pour laquelle j’ai pas encore vu ce film : Je ne sais pas. Comme spécialiste de français à l’université, on s’attendrait à ce que j’aie vu une représentation des Misérables une fois avant mes 35 ans, mais hélas ! c’est pas vrai. J’ai honte, c’est certain.

1 heure, 38 minutes plus tard…: Ouf ! Je viens de voir quoi, exactement ? Le titre du film ne ment pas : ce sont sans doute des misérables, surtout la pauvre Fantine ! Elle n’a voulu que travailler et gagner une vie pour guarder sa fille en vie, fille qui doit subir l’abus à la main des mendiants crasseux chez qui elle n’est qu’une esclave. OK. Dites-le-moi : Fantine meurt de prostitution ? De honte ? D’une MST ultra-tueuse ? Ce sujet n’était pas très clair pour moi. J’ai cru que Fantine jouait une rôle plus substantive dans l’histoire, mais non. Elle est la première à trouver la mort.

Ce que je n’ai pas compris de l’histoire, c’est la raison pour laquelle Valjean a décidé de sauver la petite Cosette. Il n’a pas pu empêcher que Fantine soit virée de l’usine ou quoi que ce fût là, et il s’en croyait coupable, c’est ça ? C’est pour ça qu’il voulait élever Cosette ? C’était pas clair pour moi. Et après le massacre de la barricade, Marius vient de voir tous ces mecs massacrés, et il chante même une chanson de “survivor’s guilt”, mais après, tout était normale parce qu’il savait à ce moment-là qu’il serait avec Cosette à toujours. Il ne veut pas venger la mort de ses amis ? Il ne veut pas faire en sorte que la France soit encore libre de la monarchie ? Que devient la France après tout ça ? Il veut une famille, et c’est tout, je suppose. 

La dernière chose à dire sur ce film, c’est que Russell Crowe ne peut chanter. 

Pensées finales : 5 tranches de pizza sur 6. La cinématographie était splendide, et les performances un peu trop réalistes, mais je suis très content que ce film soit mon expérience initiale avec cette histoire. 

___

Directed by: Tom Hooper

Written by:  Claude-Michel Schonberg, Alain Boubil

Starring: Hugh Jackman, Anne Hathaway, Russel Crowe

Running Time: 1 hour, 38 minutes

Rating: PG-13

Pre-Conceived Notions: I am going to, in very short order, alienate every friend I went to college with by saying I’ve never seen a production or a film of Les Misérables in my life. The book  by Victor Hugo upon with the film is based is ginormous, and even though I’ve tried to read it many times, I’ve only ever managed to read the first chapter.  All I know is that I have a crap-ton of friends who know all the words to all the songs and they’ve created a mental list of every production they’ve ever seen and ranked them according to the merits of each one. So I have no idea what I’m about to witness.

Why I Haven't Seen This Film: I don’t know. As a French major in college, you would expect me to have seen Les Misérables at least one time before I turned 35, but, alas, it’s not true. I’m ashamed to say it.

1 hour, 38 minutes later…: Ouf ! What did I just see, exactly? The film’s title doesn’t lie: they are without a doubt miserable people, especially poor Fantine! All she wanted to do was work and earn a living to keep her daughter alive, a daughter who has to put up with abuse at the end of filthy beggars who only treat her like a slave at home. Okay. Tell me this : Does Fantine die of prostitution ? Out of shame? From a super-fast STD? It wasn’t that clear to me. I thought Fantine played a more substantive role in the story, but no. She’s the first to eat it.

What I didn’t understand about the story is why Valjean decided to save little Cosette. He couldn’t stop Fantine from getting fired from the factory or whatever it was, and he felt guilty about it, right? That’s why he wanted to raise Cosette ? That wasn’t clear for me. And after the massacre at the barricade, Marius just saw all his friends get massacre, and he even sang a survivor’s guilt song, but afterwards, everything was normal because he knew at that moment that he’d be with Cosette forever. He didn’t want to avenge his friends’ deaths? HE didn’t want to ensure that France was free of the monarchy? What happened to France after all this? I guess all he wanted was a family. 

The last thing to say about this film: Russell Crowe can’t sing. 

Final Thoughts: 5 slices of pizza out of 6. The cinematography was splendid,  and the performances a little too real, but I’m very happy that this film was my first experience with this story. 

The King’s Speech (2010)

Russian title:
“The King Speaks!”

Directed by: Tom Hooper

Written by: David Seidler

Starring: Colin Firth, Geoffrey Rush, Helena Bonham Carter

Running Time: 1 hour, 48 minutes

Rating: PG-13

Pre-Conceived Notions: I’ve always wondered how hard it is for actors to play stutterers. I mean, it must be pretty easy at first, but once you get into a speech pattern—any kind of speech pattern—it must be difficult to snap out of it. If I had to play a stutterer, I’d be stuttering away for at least a couple days after the part was over. 

This is going to be a very interesting experience for me because I really don’t know a lot about the history of the British monarchy. Colin Firth plays Elizabeth II’s father? Grandfather? One of the two. I should be more up on my kings and queens than I am. But I’m good on the future monarchs of the UK. It’ll be Charles, William, and then George. Easy peasy. Actually, Charles is going to be 80 years old before he gets to be King if Elizabeth doesn’t stop not dying. 

Why I Haven't Seen This Film: I haven’t seen a lot of Oscar-nominated films, actually. My list is chalk-full of them, so hopefully I’ll have a good opinion on the Academy’s choices after this whole project finishes up.

1 hour, 48 minutes later…: This movie made me realize how much I didn’t know about the Royal Family. I never knew Edward VIII abdicated to George VI. No clue. We didn’t really get into World History in school. Just the Revolutionary and Civil Wars. 

Anyway, I really enjoy watching these movies that get inside what it’s like to be a Royal. I was an RA for 2 years, so I know what it’s like to work at a job that is 24/7, and you can never escape it because you live it constantly. That was 2 years of my life. For the Royal Family, it’s their entire life. All of the ceremony, and the protocol, and the customs—and being under a global microscope on top of that—every single day. In some ways, it must feel really constricting. I can see why Harry likes to let loose with hookers every once in a while. It’s like me going back home to my family to veg out and not having to worry about getting woken up at all hours in the morning. Okay. It’s not like that at all, but you see my point. This is what makes the relationship between the King and Logue so touching. Because of all the ceremony that immures his existence, the King never really had a true friend that he could open up to and talk about things with outside of his family. The stammering was really sort of secondary to the thread of their relationship. 

I never saw footage of George VI, so I can’t really comment on Colin Firth’s physical performance, but I was alive for the last 20 years of the Queen Mum’s life, and I thought Helena Bonham Carter’s physicality as that character was spot on. The way she carried herself was quirky and regal all at the same time, and really fit the mental image I have of the Queen Mum. I get down on actors on here that I think give the same performance in every single film they’re in, but now it’s time to do the opposite: Bonham Carter is one of those chameleons of the screen; she inhabits her character 110%, and for that reason it’s always great to watch her work. 

Final Thoughts: Another whole pizza. This time with British ingredients, like bangers and mash. Maybe just the bangers this time. I don’t think mashed potato pizza would be that appetizing. Splendid acting on top of a splendid story not a lot of people were aware of before this movie came out. If you haven’t seen this film, rent it or stream it yesterday.

Pretty in Pink (1986)

Hungarian title:
“Pink Dream”

Directed by: Howard Deutch

Written by: John Hughes

Starring: Molly Ringwald, Harry Dean Stanton, John Cryer

Running Time: 1 hour, 36 minutes

Rating: PG-13

Pre-Conceived Notions: My first thought watching the trailer is that it’s going to be hard to separate John Cryer from his 2 1/2 Men character. I’m going to be expecting Charlie Sheen or Holland Taylor to pop out of the woodwork all throughout the movie. And then it just boils down to a typical ’80s John Hughes movie dealing with the same themes: teenage angst, status, sex, Molly Ringwald, etc. Two things I’m looking forward to seeing: a freaky-looking Annie Potts in a weird wig, and John Cryer having too much of a good time lip synching in a video store.

Why I Haven't Seen This Film: I’m not a John Hughes freak. Don’t his fans have names? If they do I can’t think of what they’re called. Hit me up in the comments if you know.

1 hour, 36 minutes later…: Aah, prom. So many memories. Especially my senior one. For me, it was basically a normal high school dance, except instead of getting funky and doing the worm and the Bartman in jeans and a t-shirt, people were doing all that stuff in formalwear. Maybe I was above it all in high school, or maybe I didn’t give a monkey’s about it, but I didn’t feel like it was a huge deal to go to prom alone. It could be because I actually brought three dates to prom because, y’know, I’m me, but seeing those people who went stag, it didn’t seem to faze them. In this movie? They act like prom could make or break somebody’s life! Maybe it could back then. Or, maybe I forget what it’s like being in high school, where everything is such a compressed, simplified microcosm of society, where people have to worry about popularity and wanting to fit in, and hormones and mystery meat and stuff like that, so everything is magnified one thousand percent.

Let’s get down to brass tacks. This movie was pretty good. It wasn’t really over the top like Sixteen Candles got in certain places, and there was a whole lot more action than in The Breakfast Club. It was sort of a mixture of the two. You have your themes of status and angst like in the Breakfast Club, and you’ve got the romantic end of things like in Sixteen Candles. Which reminds me: Is it just me, or did you get confused between James Spader and Andrew McCarthy? They look so much alike, it took me a while to notice that they were two different people. Maybe it’s the jet lag. Or the four doughnuts I had today. I’m going to blame it on the jet lag. Okay? Okay.

The thing I liked the most about this film is that it wasn’t entirely angsty. The film really addressed the whole topic of parents and how one goes about getting the support they need. She had the best father in the world, and her boss was as good as any mother figure she could have had. And Duckie was like a brother in a twisted sort of way. Y’know, I like Annie Potts in insane, out-there roles. It’s kind of a shame that she steered away from that when she got on Designing Women. ADHD anyone?

Final Thoughts: 5 slices of pizza out of 6. John Cryer stole the movie with a character you could root for, but always knew things weren’t going to work out for him; there was excellent chemistry between McCarthy and Ringwald, and a nice balance with the parental characters. And Molly Ringwald has above average clavicles. There. I said it.

The Great Gatsby (2013)

French title:
“Gatsby the Magnificent”

Directed by: Baz Luhrmann

Written by: Baz Lurhmann, Craig Pearce, F. Scott Fitzgerald

Starring: Leonardo DiCaprio, Tobey Maguire, Carey Mulligan

Running Time: 2 hours, 22 minutes
Rating: PG-13

Pre-Conceived Notions: I had to read The Great Gatsby in high school. I don’t remember much about the book, really. All I remember is the lists of vocabulary words the teacher made us memorize (this is where I learned the word ‘wan,’ a very descriptive word that isn’t used as much as it should be these days) and all of the analytical questions we had to answer about the plot and themes and stuff like that. I think someone gets hit by a car? That’s pretty much all I remember from that book. But in my English teacher’s defense, I read it 18 years ago, so I can’t blame being forced to read it (and therefore blocking everything from my mind as soon as I could) as the whole reason why I don’t remember anything. 

Why I Haven’t Seen This Film: Logistics. Let’s blame logistics on this one. 

2 hours, 22 minutes later…: Baz Lurhmann must love roller coasters, because holy crap is this movie zoomy. Like he can’t just jump cut to anything, he has to have the intricate crane and dolly shots and make us feel like we’re flying through the air, barfing up nachos all over ourselves, all the while screaming, “More! More!” Also, each shot in the movie makes me think about how much I need to clean my apartment because it is so cluttered. But that’s what makes his sensibility so special. It’s the movies, for crying out loud, so each second has to be filled with rich imagery, sound, and movement. And I really love the art deco period, so I doubly enjoyed the visuals. 

As far as the story is concerned, all I can say is, wow. What a story. I might go as far as saying this is the ultimate douleur exquise tale. Jay Gatsby moves heaven and earth for five years just to be with Daisy Buchanan, a girl that he thinks about constantly and can not imagine life without. He could have had anyone, but it was the one person just outside his reach that he was after. It’s a story as old as time itself. It also is a great look into the opulence and decadence of the time period. As I was watching, I was half-expecting some mention of the Great Depression, but it turns out the book itself was written before the Great Depression was a thing. So… yeah.

Final Thoughts: 5/6 slices of pizza. If the movie had lasted a minute longer, I would have had to take two dramamines. But the acting was superb, and my eyes and ears were just lapping up every bit of sensory bombast. I don’t know if that last sentence was English. Just go with it, k?