The Boondock Saints (1999)

French title:
“The Angels of Boston”

Directed & Written by: Troy Duffy

Starring: Willem Dafoe, Sean Patrick Flannery, Norman Reedus

Running Time: 1 hour, 48 minutes

Rating:  R

Pre-Conceived Notions: This is another film that I’ve heard a lot about. A ton of my friends have always told me that I should go out to see this film. In my mind, I picture it to be kind of like Blade Runner, but Rotten Tomatoes says that it’s basically a movie trying really hard to be a Tarantino movie. I really see nothing wrong with that. Tarantino is a ground-breaking director who imitates and pays hommages to everyone. I’m anxious to see if this movie does “Tarantino” well, or if it misses the mark. 

Why I Haven't Seen This Film: Had to pick up some shirts at the dry cleaners. It was a long wait. 

1 hour, 48 minutes later…: I have to write this fast before my laptop battery dies. I loved this movie. It’s not often that you see a cop movie where you’re actually rooting for the good guys and the bad guys. Well, I guess in this case both Willem Dafoe and the Saints are the good guys, but that’s even rarer in a movie. 

I knew Bob Marley (the comedian, not the originator of reggae) was in this film but I thought he just had a cameo. His part was pretty huge. And I love it that they used actors from New England to be in this film to do the New English accents, because it seems like nobody outside of New England can pull it off. It either comes out Australian or Scottish, or I don’t know what. Our regional accent is much more complicated than just replacing all of the Rs with “AH”s. If you want a New English accent done right, you hire a New Englishman. End of story. 

What else? Oh, yes. All the critics seem to compare this movie with a Tarantino movie because of all the violence and gore and stuff. Well I am going to say that I liked this better than any Tarantino movie I’ve seen. The blood was not over the top or cartoonish. And it jived with the plot and the overall drive of the movie. Not once did I have a WTF moment watching this film. I have at least 5 of them whenever I watch any of Q’s stuff.

Final Thoughts: 6 out of 6. The movie moved right along; the plot was interesting and original, and I give it extra points for the exploding cat. That really made my night.

Party Monster (2003)

Party Monster (2003)

Directed & Written by: Fenton Bailey, Randy Barbado

Starring: Macaulay Culkin, Seth Green, Chloë Sevigny

Running Time: 1 hour, 37 minutes

Rating: R

Pre-Conceived Notions: There are fundamental, undeniable truths out there that are so rock solid no one can argue with them: The earth rotates around the sun. There are 12 months in the Julian calendar. Water is made up of two parts hydrogen to one part oxygen. And, of course, Macaulay Culkin can’t act. Some child actors out there start out as bright-eyed kids who can’t act but then blossom into some of the best adult actors of our times. Jodie Foster comes to mind. Macaulay Culkin is not one of those people. I’m only going by the trailer for this one, but I’m really hoping the other talent around him (Seth Green, Chloë Sevigny) lifts up his performance and makes it suck less. 

Why I Haven't Seen This Film: This isn’t really a mainstream movie, and the chances that I’ve seen a movie like that are slim to none.  Unless one of my friends are in it. Then I’ve probably seen it.

1 hour 37 minutes later…: I was really hoping this would be a lot like The Gift, not by way of the plot or anything like that, but by way of good actors bringing a terrible actor’s performance up so much that the actor’s performance isn’t that sucky anymore. Reeves is surrounded by tremendous actors—Cate Blanchett, Giovanni Ribisi, Hilary Swank—actors who amaze me in every single movie they’re in. So it just makes sense that Keanu is going to deliver a passable performance. That’s what I was hoping for with Culkin. Nope. Didn’t happen. 

I think he did this movie to run away from his Kevin McCallister persona, a lot like what Miley Cyrus is doing now. It’s not a very easy transition between sweet, wholesome kid actor to respected, legitimate adult actor. But rarely is that transition made by overdoing the drugs and the sex. And if such a transition includes a role with sex and drugs, it is successful because the person can act to begin with. What was that voice he was doing throughout the movie? He delivered every line with the same inflection. It was really painful to watch.

As far as the story is concerned, I actually remember these guys. I remember them being on Geraldo and Donahue and Sally, and how they scandalized the country with their no holds barred lifestyle. I don’t know why people get so scandalized. The same thing that happened with Club 54 is the same thing that happened here. Excessive decadence, debauchery, and ego lead straight into a death spiral with no way out. 

Final Thoughts: 4 out of 6 slices of pizza. Excellent pacing, visuals, music, etc. save the film from Culkin’s cryogenic performance. The themes of drugs, sex and excess are timeless in their ubiquity, so I think this film is going to hold up after another 15 years. 

Planet of the Apes (1968)

Alternate US title:
“Monkey Planet”

Directed by: Franklin J. Schaffner

Written by: Michael Wilson, Rod Serling, Pierre Boule

Starring: Charlton Heston, Roddy MacDowell, Kim Hunter

Running Time: 1 hour, 52 minutes

Rating: G

Pre-Conceived Notions: It’s about a guy who finds himself in a world that is dominated by gorillas or some other large nonhuman ape creatures, and come to find out it’s our own planet! In the (not so) distant future! *Spoiler Alert!* Damn. I think I messed that up again. I’ll get better at it as we go along.

Why I Haven't Seen This Film: I haven’t seen a lot of ’60s films.

1 hour, 52 minutes later…: I didn’t expect this movie to be so short and to the point. My first impression was to be, uh, impressed with the premise of the whole movie revolving around Einstein’s theory of relativity. That was a nice touch. But at the beginning, didn’t Taylor say, “we’re making our way back to Earth.” Didn’t he know that’s where they were landing? And why did it take them over a year to land? 

The themes this movie dealt with were top-notch. It showed how sticking to traditions and old ways of thinking can really put a stop to advancement of society. That point kept getting hammered home with Dr. Zaius talking about the scrolls, and the the forbidden area being forbidden because the scrolls say they are forbidden. I liken it to the controversy surrounding stem cell research with Bush putting a kibosh on it because it went against his faith, meanwhile Israel—who is lightyears better at separating Church and State than we are—went ahead with their research and gained a lot of ground with it. Look up “Christopher Reeve in Israel” and there’ll be a couple of videos that pop up on that topic.

The make-up was awesome, but it made it so that Cornelius and Zira didn’t kiss each other so much as they bumped latex lips together. It was like watching a really bizarre incarnation of bumper cars. But I guess if they did try to actually kiss, they would have suffocated themselves after 10 seconds. 

Final Thoughts: 5 out of 6 slices of pizza. I loved the Serling ending to this movie that this was Earth all along, even though we knew that from almost the first frame of the film. Charlton Heston wielded his weapon like any future NRA president worth his salt. And he had the flu through much of the filming. So, hats off to him! 

High School Musical (2006)

French title in Canada:
“High School Musical:
First Steps on the Stage”

Directed by: Kenny Ortega

Written by:  Peter Barsocchini

Starring: Zac Efron, Vanessa Hudgens, Ashley Tisdale

Running Time: 1 hour, 38 minutes

Rating: G

Pre-Conceived Notions: Two things come to mind when I think of High School Musical. First, that it is the Grease for the Millennials, and second, Pretty White Kids with Problems, a sketch MADTV did a long time ago spoofing shows like Dawson’s Creek, 90210, The OC, and many other shows of that time period. So, High School Musical, in my mind, is an extension of that.

But like Peyton Place, I have sort of a secondhand connection with this film. I traveled with Up with People in the latter half of 2008, and one of the cities we performed in was Salt Lake City, Utah. More specifically Murray, Utah, in the exact high school where some of the gym and performance scenes were filmed. So,  I can say that I have performed on the same stage as Zac Efron and Vanessa Hudgens. 

Why I Haven't Seen This Film: I had a chance to see this film. I even had the chance to see this film in the theater where the theater scenes were filmed. But, I was 29 at the time and not really a part of the movie’s target demographic. And with things like free Swedish massages and a human slot machine going on in the other room, who has time for the most meta moviegoing experience ever to take place on the planet, ever? Not me, that’s who.

1 hour, 38 minutes later…: This movie was corny. This movie was really, painfully, “kill me now, Universe, because I don’t want to live anymore,” corny. Auto tune was over-used, the acting was mediocre, and if the drama teacher said, “musi-CALE” one more time, I might have had to replace my laptop because sometimes when I get hot under the collar, I act like the Hulk and start indiscriminately breaking things. But, I take a deep breath, and tell myself that this is a Disney Channel movie. It wasn’t made for me. 

And then I remembered who this movie was made for. I remember all the high school kids I subbed for, and I remember how ridiculously cliquey high school was, and then I rewatch the movie in my mind, and realize there’s a solid message buried beneath all that cinematic, Disnified high fructose corn syrup. And it’s a message all high school age kids should hear at that age: Be yourself. You like to bake? You want to attempt crème brûlée? There’s nothing stopping you. You want to be a hip-hop dancer? Do that. Life is for the living, and only you can live that life. Because after high school, after you all leave the safety of your clubs and your teams and all that, it’s all going to be a memory, and you’re going to be on your own. So, dare to be you, because if you’re authentically you, there’s nothing in this world you can’t do.

Okay. I just threw up in my mouth a little bit. I need to end this post. Quickly.

Final Thoughts: 3 out of 6 slices of pizza. It was really cool recognizing the theater in those scenes. I actually remember that wall of pipes and pullies and stuff backstage. The acting was meh, the writing was cartoonish, but what saves it from getting nothing but an empty pizza box is the message so many young people need to hear. 

Les Misérables (2012)

Les Misérables (2012)

Réalisateur : Tom Hooper

Scénaristes : Claude-Michel Schonberg, Alain Boubil

Avec : Hugh Jackman, Anne Hathaway, Russel Crowe

Duration : 1 heure, 38 minutes

Classification : PG-13

Notions préconçues : Je vais dans très peu de temps aliéner tous les amis avec qui j’ai étudié à l’université en disant que je n’ai jamais vu de ma vie ni une production, ni un film des Misérables. Le livre de Victor Hugo dont le film s’inspire est gigantesque, et bien que j’aie essayé de le lire plusieurs fois, je n’arrive à lire que le premier chapitre.  Tout ce que je sais, c’est que j’ai pas mal d’amis qui en connaissent toutes les paroles de toutes les chansons et qu’ils ont créé une liste mentale de chaque production qu’ils ont vue et les a classées selon les mérites de chacune. Donc, je n’ai aucune idée de ce que je vais observer.

La raison pour laquelle j’ai pas encore vu ce film : Je ne sais pas. Comme spécialiste de français à l’université, on s’attendrait à ce que j’aie vu une représentation des Misérables une fois avant mes 35 ans, mais hélas ! c’est pas vrai. J’ai honte, c’est certain.

1 heure, 38 minutes plus tard…: Ouf ! Je viens de voir quoi, exactement ? Le titre du film ne ment pas : ce sont sans doute des misérables, surtout la pauvre Fantine ! Elle n’a voulu que travailler et gagner une vie pour guarder sa fille en vie, fille qui doit subir l’abus à la main des mendiants crasseux chez qui elle n’est qu’une esclave. OK. Dites-le-moi : Fantine meurt de prostitution ? De honte ? D’une MST ultra-tueuse ? Ce sujet n’était pas très clair pour moi. J’ai cru que Fantine jouait une rôle plus substantive dans l’histoire, mais non. Elle est la première à trouver la mort.

Ce que je n’ai pas compris de l’histoire, c’est la raison pour laquelle Valjean a décidé de sauver la petite Cosette. Il n’a pas pu empêcher que Fantine soit virée de l’usine ou quoi que ce fût là, et il s’en croyait coupable, c’est ça ? C’est pour ça qu’il voulait élever Cosette ? C’était pas clair pour moi. Et après le massacre de la barricade, Marius vient de voir tous ces mecs massacrés, et il chante même une chanson de “survivor’s guilt”, mais après, tout était normale parce qu’il savait à ce moment-là qu’il serait avec Cosette à toujours. Il ne veut pas venger la mort de ses amis ? Il ne veut pas faire en sorte que la France soit encore libre de la monarchie ? Que devient la France après tout ça ? Il veut une famille, et c’est tout, je suppose. 

La dernière chose à dire sur ce film, c’est que Russell Crowe ne peut chanter. 

Pensées finales : 5 tranches de pizza sur 6. La cinématographie était splendide, et les performances un peu trop réalistes, mais je suis très content que ce film soit mon expérience initiale avec cette histoire. 

___

Directed by: Tom Hooper

Written by:  Claude-Michel Schonberg, Alain Boubil

Starring: Hugh Jackman, Anne Hathaway, Russel Crowe

Running Time: 1 hour, 38 minutes

Rating: PG-13

Pre-Conceived Notions: I am going to, in very short order, alienate every friend I went to college with by saying I’ve never seen a production or a film of Les Misérables in my life. The book  by Victor Hugo upon with the film is based is ginormous, and even though I’ve tried to read it many times, I’ve only ever managed to read the first chapter.  All I know is that I have a crap-ton of friends who know all the words to all the songs and they’ve created a mental list of every production they’ve ever seen and ranked them according to the merits of each one. So I have no idea what I’m about to witness.

Why I Haven't Seen This Film: I don’t know. As a French major in college, you would expect me to have seen Les Misérables at least one time before I turned 35, but, alas, it’s not true. I’m ashamed to say it.

1 hour, 38 minutes later…: Ouf ! What did I just see, exactly? The film’s title doesn’t lie: they are without a doubt miserable people, especially poor Fantine! All she wanted to do was work and earn a living to keep her daughter alive, a daughter who has to put up with abuse at the end of filthy beggars who only treat her like a slave at home. Okay. Tell me this : Does Fantine die of prostitution ? Out of shame? From a super-fast STD? It wasn’t that clear to me. I thought Fantine played a more substantive role in the story, but no. She’s the first to eat it.

What I didn’t understand about the story is why Valjean decided to save little Cosette. He couldn’t stop Fantine from getting fired from the factory or whatever it was, and he felt guilty about it, right? That’s why he wanted to raise Cosette ? That wasn’t clear for me. And after the massacre at the barricade, Marius just saw all his friends get massacre, and he even sang a survivor’s guilt song, but afterwards, everything was normal because he knew at that moment that he’d be with Cosette forever. He didn’t want to avenge his friends’ deaths? HE didn’t want to ensure that France was free of the monarchy? What happened to France after all this? I guess all he wanted was a family. 

The last thing to say about this film: Russell Crowe can’t sing. 

Final Thoughts: 5 slices of pizza out of 6. The cinematography was splendid,  and the performances a little too real, but I’m very happy that this film was my first experience with this story. 

The King’s Speech (2010)

Russian title:
“The King Speaks!”

Directed by: Tom Hooper

Written by: David Seidler

Starring: Colin Firth, Geoffrey Rush, Helena Bonham Carter

Running Time: 1 hour, 48 minutes

Rating: PG-13

Pre-Conceived Notions: I’ve always wondered how hard it is for actors to play stutterers. I mean, it must be pretty easy at first, but once you get into a speech pattern—any kind of speech pattern—it must be difficult to snap out of it. If I had to play a stutterer, I’d be stuttering away for at least a couple days after the part was over. 

This is going to be a very interesting experience for me because I really don’t know a lot about the history of the British monarchy. Colin Firth plays Elizabeth II’s father? Grandfather? One of the two. I should be more up on my kings and queens than I am. But I’m good on the future monarchs of the UK. It’ll be Charles, William, and then George. Easy peasy. Actually, Charles is going to be 80 years old before he gets to be King if Elizabeth doesn’t stop not dying. 

Why I Haven't Seen This Film: I haven’t seen a lot of Oscar-nominated films, actually. My list is chalk-full of them, so hopefully I’ll have a good opinion on the Academy’s choices after this whole project finishes up.

1 hour, 48 minutes later…: This movie made me realize how much I didn’t know about the Royal Family. I never knew Edward VIII abdicated to George VI. No clue. We didn’t really get into World History in school. Just the Revolutionary and Civil Wars. 

Anyway, I really enjoy watching these movies that get inside what it’s like to be a Royal. I was an RA for 2 years, so I know what it’s like to work at a job that is 24/7, and you can never escape it because you live it constantly. That was 2 years of my life. For the Royal Family, it’s their entire life. All of the ceremony, and the protocol, and the customs—and being under a global microscope on top of that—every single day. In some ways, it must feel really constricting. I can see why Harry likes to let loose with hookers every once in a while. It’s like me going back home to my family to veg out and not having to worry about getting woken up at all hours in the morning. Okay. It’s not like that at all, but you see my point. This is what makes the relationship between the King and Logue so touching. Because of all the ceremony that immures his existence, the King never really had a true friend that he could open up to and talk about things with outside of his family. The stammering was really sort of secondary to the thread of their relationship. 

I never saw footage of George VI, so I can’t really comment on Colin Firth’s physical performance, but I was alive for the last 20 years of the Queen Mum’s life, and I thought Helena Bonham Carter’s physicality as that character was spot on. The way she carried herself was quirky and regal all at the same time, and really fit the mental image I have of the Queen Mum. I get down on actors on here that I think give the same performance in every single film they’re in, but now it’s time to do the opposite: Bonham Carter is one of those chameleons of the screen; she inhabits her character 110%, and for that reason it’s always great to watch her work. 

Final Thoughts: Another whole pizza. This time with British ingredients, like bangers and mash. Maybe just the bangers this time. I don’t think mashed potato pizza would be that appetizing. Splendid acting on top of a splendid story not a lot of people were aware of before this movie came out. If you haven’t seen this film, rent it or stream it yesterday.

Chitty Chitty Bang Bang (1968)

Portuguese title:
“The Magic Jalopy”

Directed by: Ken Hughes

Written by: Roald Dahl, Ian Fleming, Ken Hughes

Starring: Dick Van Dyke, Sally Ann Howes, Lionel Jeffries

Running Time: 2 hours, 25 minutes

Rating: G

Pre-Conceived Notions: Whenever I see this movie in my mind, I always picture a three-way hybrid between Mary Poppins, the Wizard of Oz, and Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory. And then my mind goes to the child catcher which I think I first saw in a Cracked article about really creepy scenes in kid’s movies. But I need some whimsey in my life after the last movie I saw, so bring on that child catcher! Bit o’ Trivia: Chitty Chitty Bang Bang was used as the theme song on the first Wheel of Fortune pilot way back in 1973. The show was called Shopper’s Bazaar, and played more like a hospital drama than a game show. 

Why I Haven't Seen This Film: There was a moratorium on whimsey in my house for much of the ’80s. I don’t know why. I was so glad when the ’90s came along. A ten-year lack of whimsey is tough on a person, I don’t care who you are.

2 hours, 25 minutes later…: What a strange little movie that was. I think I was right with my hybrid assessment. You had all the pomp and circumstance of Wizard of Oz’s Munchkinland with all the soldiers and stuff, Mary Poppins with people flying around, and Willy Wonka with the whole candy factory theme, and creepy stuff. Yes, no chickens were decapitated during the course of the movie, but the child catcher scene was kind of disturbing. Roald Dahl was a little too obsessed with two things: candy factories and creepy things happening to children. 

And where did Dick Van Dyke’s character come from, anyway? Why is he the only person in the film with an American accent? There is a disorder out there where people have a stroke and they make a full recovery except for one very peculiar thing: for the rest of their lives, they speak in a foreign accent. I think it’s called Foreign Accent Syndrome. NPR did a story on it a while back. That must be what happened to our friend, the inventor. That’s the only thing that fits.

So, kids, what did this little fantastical fairy tale of a movie teach us? Well, it taught us that if you kiss someone, you have to marry them, no ifs, ands or buts. Also, don’t trust strange men with big noses when they try to lure you into their steel cages with the promise of ice cream. And finally, only rich people can marry rich people. That’s the way it’s been since Time Immemorial. 

Final Thoughts: 4 out of 6 slices of pizza. It was great seeing Benny Hill out of his natural habitat of chasing scantily clad British bombshells around a soundstage all sped up with Yackety Sax playing in the background. The music was forgettable, but the story was fun and I think children of all ages would still enjoy this even today.