Cloudy with a Chance of Meatballs (2009)

Greek Title:
“It’s Raining Meatballs”

Directed by: Phil Lord, Christopher Miller

Written by: Phil Lord, Christopher Miller; Judi Barret, Ron Barrett

Starring: Bill Hader, Anna Faris, James Caan, Bruce Campbell

Running Time: 1 hour, 30 minutes

Rating: PG

Pre-Conceived Notions: For some reason, I conflate this with the song On Top of Spaghetti. I don’t know why. I think Cloudy with a Chance of Meatballs is based on a children’s book that I read in elementary school, and we sang On Top of Spaghetti in elementary school, and voilà! Conflation. It can happen to anybody. 

Bit-O-Trivia from the IMDb Page: “Earl Devereaux has the exact opposite hairstyle as his voice actor, Mr. T. Instead of a T-shaped mohawk, Earl sports a T-shaped bald patch.”

1 hour, 30 minutes later…:  I should add a disclaimer to this: Thanks to the viewing habits of my 4-and-a-half-year-old niece, I have seen this movie approximately 6 times. In various viewing scenarios: with the TV on mute, with the TV on in the background while reading, with the TV on and  my niece showing me random things whilst doing a gymnastics routine on the couch—I could go on for quite some time, but I promise you that during at least one of those viewings, I was actually paying attention to what was going on onscreen.  

It’s an interesting premise: Guy’s geekiness gives him feelings of inadequacy, Guy invents a machine that uses very questionable science to turn water into food, machine inexplicable gets rocketed into the clouds and starts raining victuals on the townsfolk, Guy meets Geeky Girl, they fall in love—you see where this is going. 

This movie’s pacing was really spot on. There were no dead spots in the plot, and the animation really added a lot to the humor of the story. I especially liked watching the background in certain scenes, especially the one where Flint is talking to his father in the restaurant, and raining steaks are wreaking havoc with the diners. Who knew precipitating steak could have brilliant comedic timing? I think that’s a cinematic first. But I’m no Leonard Maltin, so don’t quote me on that one.

The WTF moment of the film for me is the whole scientific explanation behind turning water into food. It’s been a while since I saw the movie, and the explanation is nowhere to be found in the Quotes section on the IMDb page, but basically he manipulates DNA in water into the DNA of any kind of food he wants and it just magically happens. I know what you’re thinking. “But Stew. It’s a children’s movie. Food is raining from the sky. No logical explanation can be given that would make any sense.” But I call shenanigans on that one. Don’t use an actual thing to describe something that obviously can’t happen. You want children to think there’s a DNA sequence for pizza? Think of the deleterious effects that will have on the future scientists of America. People will get into biology so that they can save money on groceries. I don’t think so. 

Final Thoughts: 5 out of 6 slices of pizza. This was a very engaging, very action-packed, very caloric movie. The characters were quirky, and the food looked good enough to eat. And also nostalgia played into it because there used to be a sardine factory in my hometown. It was awesome. There’s nothing like the smell of fish offal first thing in the morning. I miss it. Okay. I’m about to break my Sentimentality-O-Meter for this post, so I’m going to go.

Animal House (1978)

French title:
“American College”

Directed by: John Landis

Written by: Chris Miller III, Harold Ramis, Douglas Kenney, John Hughes

Starring: John Belushi, Tim Matheson, Thom Hulce

Running Time: 1 hour, 49 minutes

Rating: R

Pre-Conceived Notions: I’ve reviewed a couple movies on here that were considered iconic films, such as Clerks (3 of 6 slices), The Exorcist (4 of 6 slices of pizza), Caddyshack (4 of 6 slices) and The Poseidon Adventure (6 of 6 slices), and have had mixed opinions on them. It makes me wonder why some movies are rocketed to the iconic film stratosphere, while other movies that are just as good—or better—don’t really do much of anything. Animal House is the seminal film that has inspired all other coming-of-age films featuring newly-free young adults with no boundaries. John Belushi is a genius, and this movie will live on forever. Or so the articles say. Bring on the Animal House madness. 

Why I Haven't Seen This Film: I haven’t written in this blog for literally months, and I am still tired of this question.

Bit-O-Trivia from the IMDb page: “As this was Kevin Bacon’s first role, when he went to the premiere, he wasn’t allowed to sit with the rest of the cast because the ushers didn’t believe he was in it. He had to sit in the back with everyone else.”

1 hour, 49 minutes later…: My favorite thing to do in here is pinpoint some WTF moments in the films I review. Maybe that will become a section of the blog from now on. Yes. I think it shall! With this film, it’s the scene where Bluto gets the ladder to spy on the sorority girls through their upstairs window. As he is climbing the ladder, he’s making as much noise as a portly Albanian comedy legend can make with a ladder, which is to say, a lot. And I was watching the whole thing going, “This is going to be good. They all are going to scream or push him off the ladder or something.” Nothing. Happens. And then when he sees Babs come in and go to her room, he hops the ladder across as loudly as possible to spy on Babs, who is facing the window as she’s taking her bra off. And she doesn’t notice him. Seriously? There was comedy gold here, and the only pay off was him passing out on the ladder?! Hashtag disappointing. 

I have a confession to make. I am starting to think my icon-dar is broken. I thought this movie was okay. There were some very funny parts, like every second of the cafeteria scene. Especially the, “I’m a zit.” sequence. And when Babs is jerking off Greg in the car, and she says, “Is anything happening? My arm’s getting tired.” And he’s just going along like nothing is happening and then she gets frustrated and takes her rubber gloves off. And in a scene later on in the movie, the same sort of thing happens, and she says, “Is it supposed to be this soft?” Hysterical! 

Perhaps it’s not my icon-dar that is lacking. Perhaps this movie was so groundbreaking that so many movies wanted to pay homage to it that they all emulated it and improved on it so much that now it’s just an okay movie. 

Another theory as to why I thought it was just okay is that it reminded me of the so-called Greek Life on my campus. All through college I kept wondering if Greek people were at all happy about their nationality getting mixed up in these organizations. Organizations whose members, yes, did community service and stuff, but also contributed to the debaucherous drinking culture on campus. Every pledge cycle, the frat people would be marching around campus at 3 in the morning chanting and singing at the top of their lungs to make sure everyone heard them. Anyway, to avoid this post becoming an anti-fraternity diatribe, I’ll just say this movie hit too close to the reality that was my experience of “Greek” life at my school, and it kind of took some of the comedy out of it. It’s probably a combination of those two things that contributed to the meh-ness of the movie for me.

One of the positive things about the movie for me was the nostalgia. It was interesting to see a mimeograph machine in action! I’m going to date myself big time here, but it the beginning stages of my career in elementary school, all of our worksheets and papers were printed by a mimeograph machine which spat out weird looking purple copies of everything. Yep. I’m old. Mimeograph machines FTW!

Final Thoughts: The movie was a jello mold of meh with floaters of brilliance throughout. It may have been great at one time, but I think its time has come. Also, RIP John Belushi. We hardly even knew ye. 3 out of 6 slices of pizza. 

The Fault in Our Stars (2014)

French title:
“Our Opposing Stars”

Directed by: Josh Boone

Written by: John Green, Michael H Weber, Josh Neustadter

Starring: Shailene Woodley, Ansel Elgort, Laura Dern

Running Time: 2 hours, 6 minutes

Rating: PG-13

Pre-Conceived Notions: I know what’s going to happen in the movie, because I just read the book. Unless it’s one of those movie where they say, ‘To heck with the plot! We’re going to make our own movie and have the same characters and have vague plot points here and there that resemble the plot of the actual book so we can yoink the recognizability of its title so we can become stinkin’ rich!” See: The Shining. Kubrick made made that movie his own to such an extent that not only did Stephen King hate it, but he “remade” the movie in the ‘90s. From what I heard, this isn’t the case with this movie, so I’ll just say that I already know what’s going to happen and just leave it at that.

Why I Haven't Seen This Film: John Green, the author himself, told me through my laptop on the Tube of You not to see the movie before I read the book, so I obliged.  

Bit-O-Trivia from the IMDb page: “Author John Green based the character Hazel was [sic] a young girl named of Esther Earl who was diagnosed with thyroid cancer. Green met her during a Harry Potter convention in 2009 noticing her carrying an oxygen tank. He came to like her because of some of the videos she put up on YouTube as well as her humor and openness. From the time they met to her death at the age of 16 in 2010, Green and Earl would exchange correspondence.”

2 hours, 6 minutes later…: I don’t know why I am going to sound apologetic about this, but I have to say that the book was better than the movie. There were scenes in the book that just tore your soul out and made you react viscerally to what was happening, and the movie just skimmed over those parts as if to say, “Yah. This happened. So what?”

Two examples stick out like Donatella Versace’s cheekbones (Have you seen pictures of her lately? Will someone let her know that she looks like Gollum? If I had spinach in my teeth and was completely oblivious to it, I’d want someone to tell me.): 

The scene where we learn Isaac and Monica have broken up. In the book, Issac isn’t merely teary-eyed, and lachrymose and all ‘it’s no big deal,’ about it. No. John Green uses the term ‘wailing’ throughout that chapter. It takes Isaac a long time to start talking, and when he does, it’s a huge cathartic scene of even more wailing and complete and utter rip-your-heart out sobbing while he’s smashing Gus’s trophies. Isaac in the book was devastated. I felt none of that in the film. 

And THEN… later on, they get to the egging scene, the impetus of which was completely glossed over. In the book, Hazel remarks how horrible it was of Monica to dump Isaac because she couldn’t handle him being blind, and Augustus with his sense of justice plans revenge. As the eggs smash against the car, you are cheering at the massive Schadenfreude you are experiencing in the book. In the movie, however, Monica just comes up in the conversation, and Hazel’s all, “That’s kind of shitty what she did to you.” Isaac kind of shrugs it off, and Augustus says, “Hazel Grace, ya got $4?” And egging ensues.

And then the filmmakers screw up the whole climax of the scene! In the book, Monica’s mother comes out and starts yelling at the kids, as any realistic mother should, and Augustus lays the smack down on her and basically says that Monica deserves this revenge and tells her to go back into the house. Which she does. And then you cheer.

In the film, they play it off as if it was comic relief. Monica’s mother comes out almost light-heartedly laughing at these kids egging her daughter’s car, and then Gus, out of the clear blue sky says his revenge spiel, and the mom kind of gets that beat of bemused confusion typical of the Vacation franchise. And she exits the frame with a, “kids will be kids” attitude. What? What?! 

But the second really disappointing part was the confrontation with van Houten, phoned in by Willem Dafoe. The scene in the book hits you like a freight train when Hazel’s idyllic expectations were smashed into a million tiny pieces. Van Houten’s cruelty was equally matched by Hazel’s bewilderment and disillusionment. In the film, Dafoe’s van Houten just sort of casually insults Hazel. And he doesn’t even bother even acting a little drunk, which is really odd because afterwards Hazel and Gus both keep referring to him as ‘the drunk.’ 

But hats off to Shailene Woodley. She matched Dafoe’s “I said my lines, now where’s my paycheck?” energy with equal amounts of brutal honesty and catharsis. It’s too bad that her “Go fuck yourself!” line at the end fell flat at the feet of Dafoe’s apathetic performance. She really did step up to the plate in this film and gave it all she had. I thought Ansel Elgort was miscast. He didn’t have half the charisma that Gus has in the book. 

And the whole Anne Frank House scene was kind of hilarious. It is discovered that van Houten’s assistant, Lidewij, set up the whole meeting with him and Hazel & Gus, and it blows up in her face. So, where does she send the girl who has to wear oxygen 24/7? A house with punishing stairs to climb! Hazel has to climb at least 4 flights of stairs, each one more grueling than the last, and there is Lidewij, almost enjoying the torture she’s inflicting on poor Hazel. 

And then H&G kiss randomly, and people clap randomly. The book dealt with this much better, too.

Final Thoughts: With the exception of Shailene Woodley, the movie completely missed the mark on casting, and could have been just as hard-hitting as the book was. It was a good try though, but I’m hoping when they remake this movie in another 20 years, they’ll finally get it right. 3/6 slices of pizza. (No tissues were harmed in the watching of this film.)

Zardoz (1974)

Turkish title:
“Designed God Zardoz”

Directed & Written by: John Boorman

Starring: Sean Connery, Charlotte Rampling, Sara Kestelman

Running Time: 1 hour, 47 minutes

Rating: R

Pre-Conceived Notions: From what I’ve heard on bad movie podcasts and review sites is that it’s as if John Boorman set out to make a male version of Barbarella, inject some erudition, edginess, gratuitous sex and violence into it. That’s basically it. So I’m expecting much less shag (of the carpet variety) and a lot more WTF-ness. But what I gathered from the reviews is that the plastic quotient is fairly comparable between the two films. Plastic is our future. If you’re not on board with that, then you’re just going to be left behind. 

Why I Haven't Seen This Film: Because nobody sees Zardoz on purpose. Nobody.

Bit-O-Trivia from the IMDb page: “A real life animal baboon on the set attacked a double dressed in an ape suit who was portraying a baboon.”    

1 hour, 47 minutes later…: When I decided to watch this, I was really in the mood for a seriously weird movie. And when I saw the “Inflatables by…” credit pop up, I was like, “Jackpot!” Because the future = inflatables. Obvi. Also, I kind of think Boorman nailed some of the future. People talk into rings and get answers back. Siri, anyone? Spooky.

The IMDb trivia page reveals a lot about the genesis of the film, especially since it is revealed that John Boorman made it right after a project to bring the Lord of the Rings trilogy to the screen was cancelled. It makes complete sense that this was Boorman’s attempt at Lord of the Rings. The 5 different races, (the Brutals, the Eternals, the Renegades, the Apathetics and the Exterminators), the whole quest by a chosen man to destroy a thing that had a hold on society (the tabernacle versus the ring), etc. Not a bad canvas on which to start painting a picture. 

But then things got sloppy. I think he wanted to put elements of the Planet of the Apes in there with the whole invasion of a strange creature that needs to be studied because science. And you can’t have science fiction without horses on a beach. He tried to then give things complexity by shoving a whole bunch of random stuff in there: crystals, baguettes, large tiki heads, boobs, Sean Connery in a wedding dress, inflatables, balls, mirrors, random projections, sex education, inflatables… you get the picture. All of it served to muddy the whole message of the movie, which is that dying and sex are essential parts of the human experience, and that the Wizard of Oz is evil and must be destroyed.  Worst. Twist. Ever. It’s even got Shyamalan beat. 

Final Thoughts: The movie tried to be edgy and weird and sexual and failed. But it was kind of interesting to see a movie in which the happy ending was that everybody died at the end. Oh. Sorry. (***SPOILER!!!***) I always do that too late. 3 out of 6 slices. Because inflatables are hard to ignore.